Michael Bay's pet tiger El Tigre Magnifico is listening to "Here Comes the Boom."
While working on yet another spotlight-stealing post for Vince at FilmDrunk, I used the ol’ Googles to search news stories about director Michael Bay and I was immediately drawn to the headline of one particular post:
I’ll allow Pam from Archer to give a visual breakdown of my brain upon reading that:
Unfortunately, it took me just two sentences to understand that it was a fake news story, and words can’t even express how disappointed that made me. And there’s obviously no point in discussing a fake sports story, but it’s the basic idea of a guy like Bay purchasing a professional sports franchise that I’ve bumped to the top of my list of things that need to happen immediately. Okay, maybe it’s second behind “Become insanely wealthy and Indecent Proposal Kate Upton” but it’s still a huge priority.
So I got to thinking, “What would it look like if Michael Bay owned a NHL franchise?” *strokes patchy chin stubble* Hmmmmm…
UPROXX Live Q&A With ‘Archer’s’ Amber Nash And Lucky Yates, AKA The Voices Of Pam Poovey And Doctor Krieger - “Is Lucky your real name, or do people call you that because of the time you slipped in pee-pee and got a structured cash settlement?” [UPROXX]
Here’s The Mitt Romney/Eminem Mashup You’ve All Been Waiting For - On the surface he looks calm and ready to drop bombs, but he keeps on forgetting what he wrote down. [UPROXX]
5 Artists You Missed At SXSW While Waiting In Line To See Rick Ross - Rick Ross should’ve performed all four seconds of his verse from ‘Monster’, threw up his hands, yelled “THANK YOU AUSTIN” and disappeared. [Smoking Section]
Michael Bay And Michaelangelo Respond To The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Kerfuffle - “Relax, friends, I’m working with a guy in a TMNT shit from Hot Topic and he and I think aliens are awesome, so shut up. The first draft of our script is just the words ‘green explosion’ written on 150 sheets of paper.” [Gamma Squad]
Cousin Oliver from the Brady Bunch would like to report a Ninja Turtle sodomy - Meanwhile, ’3J’ from ‘Family Matters’ would like to report that he is extremely hungry. [Film Drunk]
5 Bleak British Television Series That Will Kick In Your Pretty American Teeth - ‘Fawlty Towers’ should be on here, that sh*t was bleak. Poor Basil Fawlty can’t get one second of peace in his entire life. [Warming Glow]
The Cast Of “American Pie”: Then & Now - This is just an excuse to juxtapose Tara Reid photos, isn’t it? Also, Shannon Elizabeth needs to start aging somewhere other than the neck. [Buzzfeed]
Kimmel Unveils Rick Santorum-Approved Pornography - Not looking forward to this guy being President and me having to masturbate with a handful of gravel. [HuffPost Comedy]
Modern-Day Icarus - Not interested in seeing this guy’s contraption again unless he’s plummeting down a cliffside during a mission in Red Dead Redemption. [High Definite]
10 Skateboarding Sneakers For People Who Can’t Stand Skateboarders - My awesome David Otunga-style argyle Vans better be on here somewhere. [Brobible]
16 Celebrities With Mustache Eyebrows - The Internet, ladies and gentlemen. [The FW]
Matches We Loved 2011: Part 1 - I’m not technically in this part (I should show up in part 2), but it’s got enough positive pro graps talk and people bleeding to death in Austin to make it feel like I am. Check this out, seriously. [Dirty Dirty Sheets]
Wear The Cheese: Hot Tag Podcast - A podcast with a 30-minute time limit that goes about 45 because I can’t shut up about disliking Pescetarians. Lots of fun. [Wear The Cheese]
The Wrestling Podcast, Episode 42: Brandon Stroud III - And, in case you missed it, my appearance on last week’s The Wrestling Podcast. This is mostly about Avatar: The Last Airbender, honestly. [The Wrestling Blog]
The Washed Ferrari Scale: Rating Michael Bay’s Leading Ladies - I thought about firing Burnsy outright for saying Kate Beckinsale is hotter than Scarlett Johansson. [Film Drunk]
Can’t Be Faded: 40 Forgotten Nate Dogg Features - He laid all them busters down. He let his gat explode. Now he’s switching his mind back into freak mode. [Smoking Section]
The 20 Best Cold Opens from ‘The Office’ - There isn’t a character on television I’d like to see brutally beaten in his home than Jim Halpert. [Warming Glow]
Darren Aronofsky’s Ideas for a Batman Movie Were…Interesting - Well, it still sounds better than having Spider-Man have “puberty” by blowing his organic webshooters between the sheets in the morning. [Gamma Squad]
Make Every Tweet Count, You Guys. It Could Be Your Last. - “Dance like nobody’s watching. Love like it’s never gonna hurt!” – Heath Ledger [UPROXX]
Christina Hendricks Dressed In Leather, Posing With Weapons - Hey look, a post about tits and leather. Now we’re the website everybody thinks we are when I tell them I’m a blogger at “With Leather”. [Buzzfeed]
Adult Swim’s 25 Worst Places to Die - Gloucester City, New Jersey. It’s also on the 25 worst places to live or do anything else. [Adult Swim]
7 Comedians Without Their Beards - Tell me Bradley Cooper is in here. [HuffPost Comedy]
Stop-Motion TMNT Intro - They’re heroes in a half-shell, and they’re green? WELL HOLD ON A MINUTE. [High Definite]
Lucky Strikes: Rap’s 50 Greatest One-Hit Wonders - I will not support literature that casts dispersions on Positive K. Also, Vanilla Ice is the Billy Ray Cyrus of music, where people just ASSUME he had one hit, but he had like three. I mean, unless “Havin’ A Roni” suddenly wasn’t great. [Smoking Section]
The Official Warming Glow Fall TV Preview Drinking Game - “Community” (premiering September 22): Drink every time Annie is hotter than Britta, which is every time she’s on screen, and the only time you can stop drinking is in real life when you remember Alison Brie was in Born and Gillian Jacobs goes to Pro Wrestling Guerrilla shows. [Warming Glow]
Michael Bay Auditions a New Ferrari Washer: A Picture Story - Every thing with a moral tells me that sleeping with perfect-yet-disposable women like this is fun for like 40 years, but leaves you with a sense of artistic and personal emptiness. Michael Bay’s art is the best example of a thing with a moral. [Film Drunk]
Funny, Sexy, and Awesome Cosplay of the Week - These are incredible this week. I thought sexy Crow and Tom Servo was the best thing ever until I flipped a few pages and landed on someone dressed as Princess Allura from Voltron. omggggggggg [Gamma Squad]
Tea Party Zombies Must Die Lets Gamers Kill Right Wing Zombies - 2011′s “Beat Up Barney!” Sorry, but Mutant League Hockey already gave me the ability to kill right wingers. [UPROXX]
Want to See the Rejected Cast of Star Trek? - Sure. Is Welshie in here somewhere? [Gamma Squad]
Naked Man Found Dead in Hot Tub with TV Weatherman After Gay S&M Drug Party - I wish I could write headlines like this at With Leather, but nobody from the New York Yankees has died in a hot tub yet. [Warming Glow]
Why the Worst Superhero Ever Made Is Responsible for the Best Superhero Movie Ever Made - The most exciting part of this link is the idea that they were gonna make a big budget Batman movie with Egghead, Mad Hatter, King Tut and Scarecrow as the villains. I would watch the f**king sh*t out of that. [FARK]
Indiana Jones Gets Whipped by Barbra Streisand in Lost Footage from ‘The Temple of Doom’ - And in lost footage from Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, Barbra Streisand shows up as a CGI monkey who must survive a nuclear explosion by hiding in a toaster. Ugh, that movie makes my stomach hurt. [Moviefone]
5 Essential Purchases for Packing Up and Moving to Hollywood - An important list for me, as I make my first ever trip to Los Angeles next weekend. I think I’m going to hang around and leech off my friends, who have all been out there for years making something of themselves while I blogged about wrestling from Cleveland. [Adult Swim]
Ben & Jerry’s Schweddy Balls Happened - Did it happen 15 years ago? Because if it didn’t, jesus christ [Daily What]
11 Reasons Why I’m Holding Out Hope That The Eddie Murphy Oscars Won’t Be One Massive, Fat Suited Ratnerf*cking - The teaser trailer for Shrek The Fifth: Star Shrek is number 12. I don’t know if that’s a real thing. Reason 13: Carey Mulligan will be there, and she is the hottest underaged boy in Hollywood. [Pajiba]
It looks like Funny Or Die has officially embraced the longstanding Tosh.0 tradition of cramming your funny video full of sports celebrities to get it covered everywhere on the Internet — just a week after they recast Dennis Haysbert as Terrence Mann in a Twilight-flavored Field of Dreams sequel, Funny Or Die has revisited the Kenny Powers K-Swiss endorsement by having him take over the company and stock it with everyone from Matt Cassel to Rey Mysterio.
Watch the full video below, with two major warnings:
1. It is extremely funny, and 2. It features Kenny Powers, so please anticipate the foul language and adult situations that result.
This includes boob mugs and high-fiving dead animals.
Because this is also television related, be sure to head over to Warming Glow and watch all the awesome follow-up and behind-the-scenes videos that go along with it. Who knew you could bottle the scent … of boner?