Before anyone barges in here with pitchforks and gunpowder, please remember that I am a Miami Dolphins fan and I’m incredibly bitter about my favorite NFL team’s struggles. That said, I’m not exactly on the same page just yet as the people who are behind the new website, Manning To Miami.

In case you’ve been living under Chad Henne’s helmet, there’s a strong possibility that the Indianapolis Colts will release Peyton Manning instead of paying him his $28 million bonus in a week, because of that whole four neck surgeries in a year thing. So of course the QB-starved Dolphins fans want GM Jeff Ireland to jump all over Manning so he can come in and not be healthy in a Miami uniform.

Be Part OF “The Movement” and Make History – BRING MANNING TO MIAMI – This site has been created to help influence Peyton Manning and the Miami Dolphins that “Manning to Miami” is a movement and marriage that the entire South Florida community is behind. Tell family, friends (even enemies), tell co-workers, business associates to cast their vote and make a difference in Bringing Manning to Miami.

Ugggggggggh, this is why we can’t have nice things, Miami.

If Manning is healthy, then obviously fans of any team – short of the New England Patriots, Green Bay Packers, New Orleans Saints, Detroit Lions and New York Giants – should want him in their uniform. But he’s not healthy, as far as we know, otherwise the Colts wouldn’t be looking at dumping their instant Hall of Fame inductee.

I mean, if I’m the Dolphins GM and I’m looking at what the team needs, I’m signing a quality pass rusher, a second stud receiver (*cough* Pierre Garcon *cough*) and some more depth on the offensive line. Then, if he wants to play for a reasonable price and there aren’t a few dozen question marks floating over his health, I’ll take a shot at Manning.

But my biggest concern is that if the Dolphins do sign him, Miami fans are going to turn the obnoxious up to 11. Spoiler alert: They will.

I think we all agree that America’s NASCAR drivers are the world’s top athletes. Taking that as a given, the only thing surprising about this video of Carl Edwards kicking a field goal at Sun Life Stadium earlier this week is that he managed to do it in a Dolphins jersey.

Edwards should start his own “Shaq Vs.” show where he goes around trying to beat people at the least athletic aspects of sports. “Driving” and “kicking” can be episodes one and two, and he can fill out the season with “riding in a golf cart”, “changing into bowling shoes” and “beating the Houston Astros”.

[via From The Marbles]

He learned from the best.

In baseball news you expect, but never really expect:

Ozzie Guillen is expected to become the Marlins’ new manager in exchange for infielder Osvaldo Martinez and a minor-league player, MLB.com reports.

Guillen was let out of his contract with the Chicago White Sox after Monday night’s game. Being let out of his contract meant Guillen was technically free to negotiate with any team, but the club had arranged a deal with the Marlins should they want to bring Ozzie down, and they do. So ends a managing stint that touched every color of the baseball success spectrum, from the blinding violet of a 2005 World Series Championship to the deep, depressing reds of having to deal with the dumb sh*t the Guillen family posts on Twitter.

In case you thought this story seemed too much like professionals deciding to part ways, the Chicago Sun-Times helpfully notes that Guillen asked out of his contract so he could buy a boat. A bleeping boat.

“You know what I saw a couple days ago?’’ he said. “I saw a 62-foot boat. That’s what I want, and that’s what I’m going to get. People have to pay me for that. White Sox? I don’t know. Marlins? I don’t know. But somebody will pay. I want to buy my [bleeping] boat. That’s my inspiration. My inspiration is money. That’s everybody’s inspiration.’’

He had started to pace, ­energized by what he was saying and frustrated by whatever signals he had been getting from the front office.

“If I leave here, I will say, ‘I leave here because I want to make my [bleeping] money,’ ” he said. “You know why? Because no [bleeping] fans, no [bleeping] Jerry or [bleeping] anybody is going to take care of my grandkids and put me in a 62-foot boat. That’s why there’s free agency.’’

And the pièce de résistance, which should be written on a piece of paper and pinned to his satin Marlins jacket, or at the very least engraved on his tombstone:

“I work in this job for money. I don’t work for nothing. Money. That’s it. The ring? [Bleep] the ring. I don’t even wear my [bleeping] rings. I don’t.’’

Good luck in Miami, Ozzie, with your gigantic boat and not five, not six championships. The AL Central will be a much less irrationally emotional place without you.

Shaquille O’Neal should be able to get any job in the world. Like, if he wanted to be a barista at Starbucks, he could write “had successful 19-year NBA career, starred in movies and TV shows, had video game and multiple action figures, is happy gigantic millionaire” at the top of an application and be instantly awarded a position as manager. In fact, all he really needs to write is “Is Shaq”.

That’s what makes Shaq’s personnel file from his secondary career as a reserve officer on the Miami Beach police form, featured today on the Miami New Times Blog, so confusing and enjoyable. The New Times embedded the file on their site, and while a lot is missing (such as Shaq’s substance abuse history and the neighbors who gave him a bad reference), Shaq’s request to “work special crimes unit” is there, and holy sh*t is that just the beginning.

The report reads equal parts “adorable” and “concerning”. Examples of “adorable” include:

- Asked about “special skills” or “equipment”, Shaq simply wrote: “Laptop computer, binnochulars [sic], master of surveillance”

- Shaq got deep when interviewed for the job. Asked about the best memory of his life, he responded: “All dreams have come true.”

- The worst? “Messing up so much that he thought parents didn’t love him.”

And the awesome, subtle Kobe diss:

- He listed the Los Angeles Lakers as a previous employer from 1996 to 2004. Job title: “NBA center”. Description of duties: “Everything”

But as cute as that all is (binnochulars, omg), Shaq decides to just openly lie about most things, like owning a car and completely forgetting that lady who claimed he choked her at Disney World.

Read the rest of this entry »

Who’s ready to pack up the ol’ cooler and head down to Matsumura Fishworks & Tamaribuchi Heavy Manufacturing Concern Ballpark to see the Marlins? That’s the reality south Florida could be facing as the two-time World Series champs are “talking [with] multinational companies … looking to get their name in Miami” about the park name and that a four-month-long deal is “close to being finalized”.

During a media tour of the ballpark in mid-June, team President David Samson said negotiations were down to two companies.

“The end is always the hardest. I wanted an announcement [by] June 1. We are in an area where we’ve narrowed it down considerably and we’re at the final lap,” Samson said at the time. “It’s going to be a very interesting deal when it’s announced. Both companies are international companies.”

Believe it or not, companies struggling to stay afloat in our shifty economy are still willing to dump loads of cash into putting their name on stadiums. MetLife is close to securing rights to Meadowlands Stadium in New Jersey for an average of $17 million to $18 million a year. The stadium MetLife should’ve paid that much money to sponsor, Citi Field, got the “Citi” name in a 20-year, $400 million deal. Nationals Park got their name through a sponsorship with Major League Baseball team the Washington Nationals, because nobody likes the Nats and they’re the baseball team equivalent of that terrible opinion board that puts CONTACT US ABOUT ADVERTISING all over the page.

Anyway, the whole “French douche company name on our stadium instead of a local institution” thing isn’t going over well with the Marlins faithful, like Craig from Fish Stripes:

“Multinational companies that are looking to get their name in Miami”? I don’t like the sound of that. Does that mean they won’t have any South Florida roots? If the stadium is named after Bacardi, I’m cool with that. Or after one of the cruise lines, no problem. Or Burger King, that will work. Or Publix, I can get behind that. But it better not be a British Petroleum-like company or some vampire squid financial institution. But for some reason, I am afraid it will be.

Yeah, call it Publix Park, I want to see a ballgame at a place that sounds like I should be covering it with my underwear.

[h/t Yahoo! Sports]