In a story that seems like it was ripped from our nightmares, an 8-year old boy named Demetrius Gollett was at his great-grandmother’s home on February 18, when it caught fire. Demetrius was trapped in a hallway as the house burned around him, ultimately killing his great-grandmother and badly injuring his great-grandfather. Fortunately, two firefighters were able to rush into the fire and save Demetrius, but the boy still had to spend a month in a burn center, where he was unconscious for two weeks.

Demetrius is home with his family in Ft. Pierce, Florida now, and everyone seems to be trying to help him return to normalcy and make him happy. But it turns out that one man could take care of that all by himself.

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Our long national nightmare is over. The Miami Heat lost to the Chicago Bulls 101-97, snapping their 850 game winning streak (or whatever). That’s not even the worst part, though … when El Heat were trying to el walk back to el locker room, somebody tried to snag LeBron James’ headband. That moment (and LeBron’s enraged velociraptor head tilt) is captured here, in a watermarked GIF (groan) from Ride The Pine.

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Links

Omar Little Makes The Most Effective Pro-Marriage Equality Argument Yet |UPROXX|

Rob Lowe Flew Around With A Jet Pack, And Now There Is Video |Warming Glow|

A fan sent Jared Leto a severed ear |Film Drunk|

Great Moments In Spring Break History: ‘Walk It Off, Bro!’ |With Leather|

Here Are The Guys Who Will Be Playing The Other Three Ninja Turtles |Gamma Squad|

Music’s 10 Newest Illuminati Inductees |Smoking Section|

Better Know A Draft Pick: Dee Milliner |Kissing Suzy Kolber|

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This infographic (“info” graphic) appeared on the flagship television show from the Worldwide Leader in Sports. The image of the infographic comes from Reddit, which is part of the Internet, which in total cannot believe that people are getting paid to whip up shitty infographics like this for the Worldwide Leader in Sports.

The worst part is … well, its existence, but the other worst part is how unhelpful it is. Half of it is super vague. GET TURNOVER. DUNK. STARE DOWN. I don’t think they put all of that on the poster. Posters are singular images, not Sportsflix. And then the true gem, “fast break with Norris Cole.” That’s awfully specific, guys! I guess at ESPN, LeBron James is the only dude who gets to be on posters. I’d love to see Blake Griffin get depressed that nobody’s ever taken a picture of him dunking and demand that the Clippers trade for Norris Cole.

Here’s how to make a pie, courtesy of ESPN:

- buy groceries
- turn on your oven
- ask Dwyane Wade to lob you a cookie sheet
- eat the pie

This has already been one hell of a strange NCAA Tournament, with my bracket’s Elite 8 missing just one team, and yet I have no chance of winning my pool. Oh, and I suppose it’s also strange because you have Florida Gulf Coast University as the first 15-seed to ever make the Sweet 16 after humiliating No. 2 Georgetown on Friday night. But obviously we all care about my bracket more.

Soon we’ll watch a “One Shining Moment” video montage that will feature the stars of FGCU’s Dunk City and La Salle’s whatever it is they do, as well as poor Gonzaga alum John Stockton up there, as he pouted to Gonzaga’s 76-70 loss to Wichita State on Saturday night. Poor, John. Nothing good ever happens to him.

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While last week’s Beef Thursdays column featured actual beef, in the sense that athletes were trying to rip each other’s heads off en route to a horrific international incident that could have only been prevented by the United Nations or James Bond, this week’s edition is more of an imposed sense of rivalry. Namely, we thought that Los Angeles Clippers center DeAndre Jordan became the clear frontrunner for Dunk of the Year last week, but then LeBron James popped up this week and said, “Hold on just one second.”

Funny how I’ve always thought we’d never be able to settle a Jordan-James debate.

Jordan and the Clippers raised the bar for humiliating opponents last week, when the 6’11” dunk machine threw down over an incredibly mismatched Brandon Knight. The result was two point for Jordan and a meeting with the floor for Knight.

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Goodness, Cleveland. Have you no pride? The Cleveland Cavaliers were up as many as 27 points against the unstoppable Miami Heat in the Quicken Loans Arena last night, before they eventually rolled over and died. The Heat won their 24th consecutive game – nine games shy of the NBA record set by the 1971-72 World Champion Los Angeles Lakers – as they ripped off a 45-14 run to overcome the deficit for a 98-95 victory and allow LeBron James to once again make the Cavs look foolish.

And it could have ended there, with the Cavs and their miserable fans once again burning James’ jerseys in the streets, but one fan dared to do what no one before him ever imagined – he begged James to come back to Cleveland. Wearing a homemade shirt that read, “2014 Come Home”, a fan sprinted on to the court during last night’s game, asking the once-King of Akron to consider opting out of his contract next season, coming back and fulfilling a promise of winning a title in the saddest sports town in America.

Good luck with that.

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