Last year, the Miami Dolphins cheerleaders were a huge driving force behind everyone and their mothers making those “Call Me Maybe” videos that totally never got old at all. So how, then, would the wonderfully talented Dolphins ladies top that for an encore in 2013? By lip syncing to another ridiculously catchy pop song that gets stuck in my brain every other day – “22” by Taylor Swift.

Every time Swift’s Diet Coke commercial airs, this song sets up shop inside my head and I walk around mumbling the lyrics like a total doofus. But for some reason, I always sing the opening line as: “It feels like the perfect night, to dress up like Hitler…” I’m not sure what that says about me, but I’m sure that’s something I can discuss with my therapist later today.

In the meantime, let’s watch the Dolphins cheerleaders dance around the Dominican Republic, shall we? Oh, and I hope you’re dressed up for this, because it is a GIF party.

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Thanks to Miami Marlins owner Jeffrey Loria basically tricking Miami-Dade County into giving him a ton of cash for a stadium that literally everyone not involved in the funding process knew was a horrible idea, the Miami Dolphins were unable to secure a considerably smaller amount of public funds to renovate Sun Life Stadium. That led to CEO Mike Dee calling the team’s future in Miami “bleak” before kicking off a new rumor campaign of moving the team to Palm Beach.

In the meantime, the Dolphins are also making a pitch to the NFL to host Super Bowl L in Miami, and among a number of ideas that are so Miami they may as well have blue hair and iguanas in their front yards, the team would host a football game on an aircraft carrier. Somewhere, the writer of Hot Shots smiled.

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Don’t like reading horrible stories about former sports celebrities molesting children? HERE, HAVE TWO.

The first is Elizabeth Leigh Garner, a 42-year old former Tennessee Titans cheerleader, who is in trouble for getting drunk at a party, following a 12-year old boy (yes, a 12-year old boy) into a bathroom and trying to go down on him against his will. This is a thing that happened in real life.

“He stated she was asking him if he had ever been with a woman,” Roberts reported, adding the boy disclosed she then touched him inappropriately on the outside of his pants. “He also said she was making an attempt to take his shorts off …” and told the boy she would perform oral sex on him.

The boy told Roberts he became frightened and was able to get out of the bathroom and tell his mother. (via Black Mountain News)

That last sentence is such a ghastly reminder of how young a 12-year old really is. Her excuse is equally embarrassing, and the type of thing you can’t really make up.

“Ms. Garner, who was advised of her miranda rights, stated that she was drunk that evening,” Roberts reported, “and that she got the boy confused with a man who also at the residence.”

To her credit, it’s probably totally easy to mix up a grown man with a 12-year old who is sobbing and running off to tell his mother. Here’s a video clip of the story, courtesy of NewsChannel5.com:

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By now you may have heard that former Cincinnati Bengals and Miami Dolphins wide receiver Chad Johnson has a sex tape floating around out there. Maybe you’ve already stopped by to visit our cooler cousins at Kissing Suzy Kolber to check out the NSFW clip that most definitely proves that Johnson’s newest career venture is indeed pornography. And maybe you’ve even already read that Johnson has admitted that the sex tape exists.

Oh, but of course he didn’t leak it.

We’re told Chad has no idea how the tape leaked to the Internet … but insists he wasn’t behind it … and now he’s exploring his legal options in hopes of having the tape removed from the web ASAP.

So far, it doesn’t appear the entire video has made it’s way into cyberspace — only bits and pieces — but we’re told the entire tape is “substantial in length” … (Via TMZ, where “it’s” is the new “its”)

Sure. Chad didn’t leak it. I mean, why on Earth would he ever want to leak his own sex tape? After all, this is the guy who allegedly head-butted his wife when she discovered a receipt for condoms in his car. And this is the same guy who was exposed for using Twitter as his own Adult Friend Finder, when a famous Atlanta stripper spent way more than 140 characters bragging about how she’d been sleeping with then-Ochocinco, but how she wasn’t the reason that his divorce went south.

Or maybe she was, I can’t even keep track of this crap anymore. What I can keep track of, though, is a huge coincidence, and in this case that’s the fact that Johnson is unemployed with no shot of being an NFL starter anytime soon, and he’s probably hurting for money. So if you put two and two together, you get a guy who’d probably want the kind of money that comes with a sex tape.

Good thing PornHub already made Chad an offer back in August. Ahhhhhhhhh, coincidences. In case you forgot, I’ve included the original letter from PornHub’s CEO after the jump.

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In a not-so-shocking turn of events, the Miami Dolphins only lost to the New England Patriots by a touchdown yesterday, and I say that it’s not shocking because the Dolphins are usually good for a close game against their bitter rivals this late in the season. But in even less of a shocker, the Pats’ 23-16 victory in front of the rain-soaked masses at Joe Robbie Pro Player Sun Life Dolphins Sun Life Stadium marked New England’s 10th AFC East title in 12 years, which makes me absolutely miserable, but it’s probably pretty fun for Pats fans.

As for Dolphins fans, though, they’re learning to look to other favorite pastimes to have fun as their favorite NFL team slowly climbs out of a two-decade funk. And it seems that the pastime du jour is working the stripper pole, and I fully endorse any female sports fan, or just any female north of 18 years in age for that matter, who wants to hop on the pole. It could be for making a tailgate more enjoyable or charity or just a general exercise, just go ahead and straddle that aluminum pony, ladies, because it will make me feel a lot better when I’m dropping my daughters off at pole-dancing class.

Anywho, some female Dolphins fans busted out the stripper pole before yesterday’s game and it was rather enjoyable.

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Finally, all my complaining about these weak-ass Thursday night football games has come to an end with a real, honest-to-God fantastic game that is dripping with playoff implications. The almighty Dolphins head into Buffalo as the two teams tied for first place in the AFC East will look to separate what most analysts and experts are calling the closest race of two amazing teams in NFL history. Wait, what…

*trained messenger ostrich arrives from Ontario*

Oh Fonktar, you brought me a note! Ah, it seems the Dolphins and Bills are not tied for first place and they both indeed suck assballs. Well then, thank you yet again, NFL, for this exemplary matchup.

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