I laughed so hard that I pooped my pants when I realized that American soccer “star” Landon Donovan has to go all the way to Mexico just to do TV commercials. Here’s Landy’s ad for Ganagol, which looks like some 12-line parlay pick ‘em game that’s sure to be any sort of ripoff whatsoever. It’s in Mexico! How corrupt could it possibly be? I wonder whether Donovan was soaked with indigenous pee before or after the shoot. “Before” seems to make more sense. Help him get into character. –Guanabee.

First of all, I have no idea why Mexico and Uruguay are playing hoop here. Did they run out of soccer balls? Anyway, this fight starts about as haplessly as one would expect: ticky-tack foul, and then some jawing, and then someone surely said something about someone else’s mother (Spanish is the official language of Uruguay), and there we go. You can see the Uruguayans cowering in the end zone, wondering how they’re going to get out of that gym with their lives. Mexico is just a place unfit for hosting any sort of international sporting event. Kinda like Oakland, but without the panache. Gracias, Gimp.

Ruthless taunts. Hurling urine and vomit at the opposition. Merciless, tasteless taunting. But enough about my weekend plans…The United States Men’s National Team rolled on down to Mexico to get abused by fans and officiating alike in World Cup Qualifying yesterday, and as for all the abuse heaped upon the American side by the world’s future landscapers, it paled in comparison to the hosing provided by the match referee, Panama’s Roberto Moreno.

“This is an intimidating place for teams to come,” U.S. goalkeeper Tim Howard said. “It makes it a lot harder when the most intimidated person in the stadium is the referee.

“Both teams went in hard [for the ball], but we always came out with the foul.”

Mexico won the match, 2-1, and remain undefeated against the United States at home. But when “undefeated” entails carrying around your own pee in a cup and throwing it at people, we could probably do without. Enjoy that, Mexico. We’ll enjoy our drinkable tap water and relatively benign government corruption.

I haven’t done the math yet, but I figure I was a fan of US Men’s National Team (MNT) for about two months and change. Well, the MNT outbreak seems to be finally contained as the Men’s took on Mexico in New Jersey yesterday. And like so many other things coming out of New Jersey, this wasn’t pretty–Mexico crushed us, 5-0:

The United States, fielding a raw squad after the top team finished second in the Confederations Cup last month, could not maintain American dominance of its continental rival. Not even close.

“We were chasing the game a lot in the second half, and it tired us out,” said forward Brian Ching, a regular with the ‘A’ team who missed the Confederations Cup with an injury. “Look at anybody in the United States and this loss has to anger you.” via.

Eh, for me to get angry, I really have to care. And let me see if I can…wait a minute…no, I just can’t bring myself to care enough. To reiterate, this was not the same team that was kicking ass in South Africa; this is a new group of dudes. But still: this was Mexico’s first win against the States since 1999. I mean, if you don’t count smuggling one-fifth of their population over our southern border a victory.

So Mexico and Panama played in the CONCACAF Cup yesterday in Houston. Why they played in the soccer hotbed of southeastern Texas, I’m not really sure, but everyone seemed pretty grumpy about it, especially after this confrontation between Mexican coach Javier Aguirre and Panama’s Ricardo Phillips. Regardless of where you lay the blame, no coach should ever be that close to an opposing player, let alone swinging a leg that close to his face.

The act led to a bunch of pushing and shoving, coming up just short of punchy goodness. I’m 80 percent sure that Latinos don’t learn how to punch anyone until they get to America, the land of opportunity and uppercuts. But then they finished the game with a 1-1 tie and then everyone went back to the parking lot to see who had the best hydraulics systems in their cars.

A more Yakety version of the video is after the jump. Read the rest of this entry »

Some of you aren’t big fans of WWE or that industry in general, and that’s fine. You don’t need to be any sort of pro wrestling fan to enjoy this interview with WWE Champ Randy Orton on some random Mexican television station. The poor bastard interviewing him makes the mistake of bringing up Orton’s history of injuries, causing Orton to flip out in a manner that’s more petulant than we’d expect from a contemporary badass.

Which is my big problem with Randy Orton in general. This is the guy they have carrying the ball for WWE? Did Vince McMahon say, “Yeah, I want a champ that’s like Bret Hart, but with less charisma.” Orton’s a second-generation wrestler that looks better suited for high school baseball, both in stature and in his sullen attitude. Rasslin’ could make some inroads again like it did in the mid-to-late 1990s, but it won’t be because of this guy.

|No more soup for you, Camel Clutch Blog|