Sorry, folks, but we did not travel back in time to get that headline. It was announced yesterday that 47-year old hug machine Jose Canseco will not be allowed to play in the Mexican Baseball League after he tested positive for testosterone, according to league president Plinio Escalante, which is amazingly also my handle on Call of Duty. Canseco, of course, is outraged by this announcement, because, as he’s made very clear on his Twitter feed over the past year or so, he does not take performance-enhancing drugs anymore.

Sure, back in the day he took enough steroids to kill an army of centaurs, but these days Canseco devotes his time to trying to convince us – and more importantly any MLB general manager that is either desperate or high – that PEDs don’t help baseball players, and only natural skills allow players like Canseco, Barry Bonds, Mark McGwire and Sammy Sosa to sock 60 dingers a year.

Also, Canseco Tweeted, he never even took a piss test in the first place for the Mexican league, so how the hell could he have tested positive? Cue the Mexican soap opera suspense music!

Too bad it’s not a conspiracy and Canseco refused a drug test and admitted that he does, in fact, take testosterone because steroid use has left his plums looking like raisins.

But Canseco is still going strong about a conspiracy against him, and I think that this should actually open a new door for him.

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A huge fight broke out during the Mexican League’s Monarcas Morelia/Cruz Azul semifinals match when a fan ran onto the field to shake the hand of his favorite player, Gerardo Torrado. Torrado and the entire Cruz Azul team decided to attack the guy, and that’s when I lose the ability to accurately recap. What follow is chaos, with a bunch of guys dressed like loaves of bread (and all differently … I swear there are at least sixteen teams playing) running around taking swings at each other. A goalie headbutts somebody in the face. One guy breaks out a lucha libre thigh kick.

It’s basically the spiritual opposite of the Astros fan who ran out onto the field at Minute Maid Park and managed to get away. Imagine walking up to Ben Crane in the middle of a Masters put and having him turn around and start Muay Thai kickboxing you. Soccer By Ives adds the literary sprinkles:

Perhaps the best part? The fan who started it all was released by police after paying a $2.50 fine. Yes, you read that right (and to top it off, the fan, a 21-year-old college student, said in this interview that he’d now be a Morelia fan). You can’t make this stuff up.

Here are a few alternate angle videos of the fight, with a big H/T to SBN.

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When a player finds himself in the Mexican Leagues, it usually means he was a major leaguer that never was (like Brendan Fraser in The Scout) or is a washed-up has-been (like Tom Berenger in Major League).  I think the same can be said of cheerleaders.  That's not to say these lovely young ladies can't make it to the Majors, but their choreography needs to get much better.  Other things to look for in this splendid video include a chicken/cardinal/rooster? riding an ostrich, then taunting a first base coach with the ostrich steed, and finally choking the ostrich and bopping its head.  Enjoy:

That was disturbing to witness.  Now I understand my mother's hysterical reaction when she walked in on me that one time.  I swear I will always lock the bathroom door from now on. -KD