*Self-proclaimed.

After the Miami Heat defeated the Boston Celtics to advance to the Eastern Conference Finals, LeBron James told reporters that he was sorry for the way “The Decision” happened. He claimed that he knew that the only way he could ever beat the Boston Celtics would be teaming up with Dwyane Wade and Chris Bosh, and that’s why he chose Miami. Apparently he was so blinded with rage and ambition after he gave up lost to the Celtics in the playoffs last year that he was willing to forgo his future as the game’s biggest star to create a miniature Dream Team, which is fine because it’s certainly working out well. LeBron admitted that he’s been through a lot since that fateful TV programming blunder, and he is simply sorry for it.

Responded the entire city of Cleveland, “Aw, it’s cool, boo. We were just playing.”

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Before we get to last night’s bipolar NBA action, the Orlando Sentinel, which notably played a major role in Shaquille O’Neal leaving Orlando, has launched PleaseStayDwight.com, which takes people to an interactive graphic on the newspaper’s website. This graphic, as seen above, allows fans to dress Dwight up in a variety of jerseys, including the Miami Heat, New York Knicks, and most notably the Los Angeles Lakers, as most people assume Dwight is heading to them anyway. The Sentinel’s effort isn’t to be confused with StayDwight.com, which is a Magic fan/celebrity booking agent’s effort to keep Dwight in Orlando, or this schmuck’s effort to get a street named after Dwight. Regardless, Dwight has expressed his discontent with the Sentinel, and this is all too familiar.

Of course I’ve simply fallen into a dying newspaper’s trap, but I’m mostly just pointing out that if you thought Carmelo Anthony rumors and headlines were bad, get ready for a real sh*tshow.

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Miami Heat 102, Boston Celtics 91 (Series: 2-0 MIA)

I never thought I’d say this, but I miss the proud, sometimes arrogant boasting of my Boston friends. But that’s the game, friends. One team grows old, another blossoms. They’re like supermodel girlfriends for wealthy Persian night club owners. In this case, Boston is a 31-year old fake blonde with a face like an oiled catcher’s mitt and Miami is a sexy 18-year old Brazilian girl with an ass you can rest a drink on.

LeBron James led the way for Miami with 35 points while Dwyane Wade and Chris Bosh combined for 45. But nobody cares about any of that because there’s a huge elephant in the room now – Chris Paul sat courtside with Maverick Carter, who is of course the best friend of LeBron James: The Person and CEO of LeBron James: The Company. If you’d like to learn more about Maverick, you can read Jason Whitlock’s blowjob piece about their time together. Otherwise, get ready for a sh*tload of CP3 to the Heat rumors.

Quote of the game: “Feel good about it. Series is far — far, far, far — away from over. It’s really just beginning for us.” – LeBron James. Define far, dude. One more win and this series is over, barring a Dave Roberts stolen base and a Bill Mueller single.

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When it took longer than an hour for President Barack Obama to take the podium last night to make the announcement that the U.S. had killed Osama Bin Laden, a little part of me was hoping that he was busy watching Khloe & Lamar and showing the CIA their next mission.

Miami Heat 99, Boston Celtics 90 (Series: 1-0 MIA)

Prior to last night’s Game 1 of the Eastern Conference Finals Semifinals, LeBron James said that this series with the Celtics is personal. I assume that means one of three things: 1) He still doesn’t appreciate Paul Pierce’s South beach talents Tweet from earlier this season; 2) He still doesn’t appreciate how Doc Rivers played his four All-Stars at one time as an assumed message that his team has a Big 4; 3) Delonte West needs to stop banging his mom.

Actually, we know that it’s a little bit of 1 and 2, and a whole bunch of 4) He’s tired of people telling him he can’t beat the Celtics… with a pinch of Delonte banging his mom. That’s why he lifted his team upon his shoulders, charged to the rim and then dished it off to Dwyane Wade, who scored 38 points to lead the Heat, while James Jones was huge with 25 off the bench. Jones also helped set the attitude early, as he provoked Pierce into his first technical foul, and then Pierce was ultimately ejected for a second technical after an altercation with Wade. Is there anyone in the NBA better at head games than Wade? I say no.

Fun note: Rivers was upset by the Heat’s style of play, calling it “chippy”, adding, “That ain’t physical.” And then Kevin Garnett slapped him in the nuts.

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Miami Heat 97, Philadelphia 76ers 91 (Series: 4-1 MIA)

Prior to last night’s series-clinching win over the 76ers, LeBron James said that he and the Heat were ready to finish their breakfast. After the Heat won, LeBron said he’s ready for lunch. Here’s the thing about these food analogies – the 76ers weren’t exactly a pushover. So if Philly was a plate of waffles, then the Boston Celtics, who swept their “breakfast” handily, are going to be lobsters stuffed with tacos. Too bad the Heat didn’t sign Eddy Curry or they’d be on to their midnight snack by now.

But this isn’t about upcoming matchups – and let’s chill out with the “greatest second round matchup in history” chatter I saw on Twitter last night. Andre Iguodala finally showed up and combined for 44 points with Elton Brand, as their young teammates continued to show promise. But the Three Burger Kings combined for 64 and Mario Chalmers chipped in another 20 so there wasn’t much of a chance for Philly. But on a purely entertainment level, this was a fun series with a lot of fight from Philly.

P.S. – Nice dunk at the end by Dwyane Wade. Call it whatever you want, but I’m very superstitious when it comes to sports so here’s to hoping Wade isn’t, because sports karma exists and she’s a fickle whore.

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Yesterday, the word on the street was that Memphis Grizzlies guard Tony Allen had done the physically improbable and shaved a grizzly bear into the back of his head. He wanted his initiation into the Hair Bair Bunch to be a surprise, so no pictures were provided. Well, a day has passed, and pictures were provided.

To your right is a picture of what it looks like when you get a reverse bear face, and somehow it is completely awesome. I especially like the grizzly’s sparkling eyes, as well as how the whole thing looks like it was outlined in chalk. Maybe the grizzly is emerging from snow with a mouthful of Milk of Magnesia. The good news for Memphis is that the sight of a scary bear has rendered the San Antonio Spurs completely helpless.

More players should follow Allen’s lead and shave logos into the backs of their heads. Even the white players. Especially the white players. Logos, catchphrases, whatever. Kobe Bryant can shave a snake into his hair on one side and Vlade Divac on the other. I want Dirk Nowitzki to recreate his horrible WELCOME TO DALLAS, DIRK AT WORK road signs and basketballs t-shirt somewhere on his skull. Give him glitter eyes and chalk mouth.

[via Chris Vernon]