Chances are that if you know who Jasmine Waltz is without having to Google her, then you’re either a fan of “celebrity” sex tapes or you’re way too involved with David Arquette’s private life. But I won’t blame you for the latter, because he is, after all, a former WCW Champion, so he deserves our respect. I assume, though, that you wouldn’t know Waltz from a Megan Fox impersonator at your cousin’s awesome bachelor party, so here’s a rundown of her résumé:

Quick backstory on Jasmine Waltz. She is an aspiring actress and has dated, hooked up with, or has been linked to David Arquette, Zac Efron, Chris Pine, Ryan Seacrest, Jesse McCartney, Doug Reinhardt and Vinny from “The Jersey Shore.” And those are just the easily Google-able guys, there are probably more secret hook-ups. But we don’t blame them, she’s hot. Like Megan Fox hot!

Apparently she has a type: FAMOUS. (Via Hollyscoop)

And as you can see from that banner pic, she does look a lot like Fox, so that’s probably why all of those young, horny celebrities have been tripping over themselves to spend a romantic evening with her. As I also mentioned, she has a sex tape out there thanks to a sweet $60,000 deal that she signed with Vivid back in 2011, and that means that she has zero vertical talent.

So what the hell am I bringing her up for today? According to Hollyscoop, swimming-legend-turned-poker-pro Michael Phelps is now dating Waltz after he broke up with his Las Vegas waitress and model girlfriend, Megan Rossee.

I have to be honest, if you had told me that a gold medalist swimmer was going to be losing a ton of money by playing professional poker while dating high maintenance, gold-digging models, I would have guessed Ryan Lochte 10 times out of 10. Is it possible that Lochte is actually smarter than Phelps? It sure seems that way. But Phelps is definitely having more fun in the meantime.

Read the rest of this entry »

I don’t know if Ray William Johnson invented that YouTube “edit 3 times in the same sentence so I jump around the screen” thing, but I’m blaming it for him anyway. This video would’ve benefitted from a little “Everybody’s Free (To Wear Sunscreen)”. [via Sportress]

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Links

What Was In LeBron’s Tiny Purse? - I hope it was a spy kit. I hate LeBron as much as the next guy, but I need to let somebody else write about “Pursegate”. [Smoking Section]

5 Movies Us Nerds Painfully Underrate - “Us nerds” reminds me of when Zack Morris said “us kids” don’t want oil drilling at bayside. Anyway, I really must be a nerd, because I think all 5 of these blow. [Gamma Squad]

A Comprehensive Guide To Amber Tamblyn’s Next Level Email Prank On Tyrese Gibson - She showed him a bunch of screenplays, then said ‘Joan of Arcadia’ was a thing that got produced and put on TV for two seasons. [UPROXX]

The Smiths + Nintendo’s ‘Super Mario Brothers’ = ‘Super Morrissey Bros.’ - Adding Morrissey to anything makes it better. You could add Morrissey to an Enzyte commercial and it’d instantly be the greatest thing on television. [UPROXX]

LEGO May Have Spoiled The Villains In The Avengers - This isn’t really a spoiler, but if Namor OR Fin Fang Foom show up in this movie I’m going to lose my mind. I’m not too old to mark out for Fin Fang Foom. [Film Drunk]

Megan Fox Isn’t Allowed to Watch ‘Beverly Hills 90210′ - Now she’ll never know whether or not Donna Martin Graduates. Pretty cool idea to marry someone who won’t “allow” you to do things, Megan! [Warming Glow]

Women Flirting With Urkel Over Twitter - Don’t get excited, it’s just Myra with multiple accounts. [Buzzfeed]

Classic Movies Subtitled For Bros - I want a version of The Fountain where it spends 5 minutes with “Finish it, bro” at the bottom. [HuffPost Comedy]

‘The Artist’ Star Uggie the Dog is the New Nintendo Spokesdog - Better than Reggie. Nintendo should make a dog you can control by waving at it. [The FW]

The Greatest Fictional TV Couple That Will Never Ever Exist | The 2011 Fun Oscars - If this isn’t a link to the fictional hookup of Annie Edison and Trudy Campbell, I’m not interested. [Pajiba]

Three Kinds of Movie/TV Characters Who Actually Need Smartphones - To the credit of the people on Breaking Bad, they live in New Mexico. Going to West Texas is what they consider a “promotion”. Of course they don’t have real phones. [Unreality]

Someone Racked Up a Hefty $323,000 Bar Tab at a Liverpool Nightclub - 42 Pussy @ 3.00. Sounds like the waitstaff at my old Olive Garden. [Brobible]

If you didn’t think this would exist, welcome to the Internet. Somebody’s already doing a “Sh*t Hitler Says About Watching The Jeremy Lin Nyan Cat”. (via OTB)

- Follow us on Twitter @withleather
- Follow me personally @MrBrandonStroud and Burnsy @MayorBurnsy
- Like us on Facebook.

Links

Shawn Kemp Isn’t Exactly Thrilled With The Blake Griffin Comparisons - I love that Shawn Kemp JUST found out that the only thing he was good at was dunks. [Smoking Section]

The 10 Strangest Addictions From ‘My Strange Addiction’ - Does “doing something dumb to get on television because there’s a show that exaggerates mental illnesses” count as a strange addiction? [Warming Glow]

So, The New Trailer For ‘The Avengers’ Is Kind Of Awesome - I hope Captain America has a line that more or less says, “why does the 2012 version of my costume look so much worse than the one I wore in the 40s?” [Gamma Squad]

Many Of Your Favorite Celebrities Have Been ‘Cholafied’ - Pretty sure that Rihanna Chola is gonna show up in Guillermo Del Toro’s next horror-fantasy. [UPROXX]

Meth Addict Accidentally Burns Down ‘A Tree Older Than Jesus’ - I hope this is immediately followed by a scene where Bryan Cranston is dressed like a priest and yelling at him over the phone about how he’s worthless and stupid. [UPROXX]

VIDEO: Prometheus’s Peter Weyland addresses the 2023 TED Conference - If this movie doesn’t end with Catwoman kicking him in the nuts, I’m demanding my money back. [Film Drunk]

Kids Do The Darndest Speed Drills - When I was five I would’ve played a video game about anything. I would’ve played a Mario game where he can’t die and it’s nothing but history facts. [Kissing Suzy Kolber]

11 Things Megan Fox Didn’t Know About David Silver When She First Met Brian Austin Green - 1 Thing Megan Fox Didn’t Know About Donna Martin: she graduates. [Buzzfeed]

Ken Marino’s AMAZING Macy Gray Impression - I love this impression so much I want to dip my balls in it. [HuffPost Comedy]

Criminal Busted for Using Fake ID with Jack Nicholson’s Photo - I knew I should’ve bought that Lindsay Lohan drivers license from the Hollywood gift shop where her photo is a promo still from Mean Girls and her height is MOVIE STAR. [The FW]

Jennifer Lawrence’s Cleavage Is Doing a Poor Job of Convincing Us She Can Play a 16-Year-Old - Yeah, well, The Last Airbender turned Sokka into a 28-year old white guy, so do whatever. [Pajiba]

The 20 Most Bad*ss Spies and Secret Agents in Film and TV History - I hope numbers one and two are “Spy Kid” and “the other Spy Kid”, followed by Karate Dog from Karate Dog at number three. [Brobible]

Six Underappreciated Comedies More People Need To See - How the hell is Anchorman unappreciated? Hot Rod and The Foot Fist Way are inspired choices, though, and once again I say “where the hell is Josie and the Pussycats?” [Unreality]

I read through a lot of gossip sites and strange, random fan blogs each week, not because I want to actually know anything about the personal lives of fame-starved reality trolls, but because we like to make fun of really stupid stuff that people do. Thankfully, I didn’t have to go much further than NFL.com for this week’s most asinine celebrity idea, and of course it involves our favorite Man of Every Hour, Denver Broncos QB Tim Tebow.

There’s no doubt that Tebow’s stock is higher than ever after the Broncos’ win over the Pittsburgh Steelers on Sunday – even the mayor of Pittsburgh is Tebowing – and he has already been dealing with rumors that he may have been responsible for skier Lindsey Vonn’s recent divorce. So apparently that was enough for NFL.com to ask: “Hey, what if Tebow knocked up a bunch of married women? What would those little hell-bound, soulless bastards look like?”

And thanks to the site MorphThings.com, the fine folks at NFL.com got their answers. Their incredibly weird-looking, borderline creepy answers.

Read the rest of this entry »

Sh*t, you’re right.

Links

NFL Sunday School: The Colts Deliver Top-Notch Ruin Porn - Jon Bois asks, “What is the most Goldeneye weapon of all time?” by comparing them to NFL players. At least I think that’s what’s going on. My best memories of Jon and Goldeneye are of us hooking it up, him viciously killing me for about half an hour, then me never wanting to play again. [SBN]

Ancient Chinese Secret Say Peter King Confuciused About Colts Sucktardery - Sometimes I wish I wrote for KSK so I could get away with words like “sucktardery”. I want to describe Andy Dalton has “transgenderiffic”. And my KSK name would be “Space Ghost, But A Horse”. [Kissing Suzy Kolber]

Geeky Lunch Bag Art from an Awesome Dad - If Awesome Dad was truly Awesome Dad, he wouldn’t have let his son be named “Dylan”. These are pretty good, though. The most interest my parents ever gave school lunch was giving me a dollar 25. [Gamma Squad]

Bruce Hornsby On Tupac: “The Original ‘Changes’ Was A Lot Dirtier” - I hope it included a line about how Tupac f**ked Bruce Hornsby’s wife. [Smoking Section]

Darth Vader’s “Noooo!” Edited into Other Classic Movies - This shouldn’t be funny, but it really is. The Raiders part had me cracking up. [UPROXX]

Megan Fox on Shia LaBeouf, Her Public Image and Starting Over With ‘Friends With Kids’ - Hopefully “starting over” means taking off her Sugar & Spice bank robbery mask and going back to being that super, super hot girl from “Two & A Half Men”. [Moviefone]

Amy Winehouse’s Dad: Going Sober Killed Her - Everyone Else to Amy Winehouse’s Dad: No, It Probably Had More To Do With Her Taking A Sh*tload Of Drugs And Being A Strung-Out Junkie For 20 Years, Guy. [UPROXX]

Miss Japan Is Awesome - She absolutely is. Her English isn’t great, but she’s still more coherent and likable than Miss South Carolina. Japan, we must protect against AIDS, such as. [Warming Glow]

Celebrity Encounter: Schwarzenegger Snubs Shatner over Burritos - Celebrity Encounter, or “let’s see who was in touch with reality most recently”. The answer is Shatner, between the cancellation of the original “Star Trek” and the first movie. [Film Drunk]

11 Hats Modeled by This Cat - Yes, this is an Internet thing. [Buzzfeed]

Ricky Gervais, Jon Stewart, and Louis CK will host a mock Golden Globes telecast - They should give every award to Tyler Perry. OH MY LERDDDDD [FARK]

Santa and Jesus Remembered 9/11 - Sorry for the old South Park meme. [The Daily What]

Saint Andrew’s Net is WL’s daily link dump. It got caught smoking pot, but nobody cared.

• One Not-So-Shining Moment |Awful Announcing|
• Did you ever lose a ball over a neighbor’s fence as a kid? Bet this never happened to you…
  |Bootlegger Sports|
• If you’ve watched any of the Big East tournament, you might have wondered what happened to Gerry McNamara
  |Vent About Sports|
• NBA team rankings paired with food. I’m just glad I’m not a dinner guest
  |With Malice|
• Cleveland State is in The Big Dance. Good; their gate needs the boost
  |Sports Biz|
• Some of the Megan Fox images left on the cutting room floor. Know what I just left on the cutting room floor? My DNA |Fantasticus|

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