UGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGH.
*deep breath*
UGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGH.
*throws brick through TV*
UGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGH.
I always thought it would be for Cheetos.
Back in 1992, McDonald’s put bacon and barbecue sauce on a quarter-pounder with cheese and called it the ‘McJordan,’ because (according to the ad campaign), bacon, barbecue sauce and the other mustards and horse meats that go into making a quarter-pounder with cheese were Michael Jordan’s “favorite ingredients”. The promotion came and went, but it was not forgotten. You can’t just put your own bacon and barbecue sauce on a quarter-pounder, these are Michael Jordan’s FAVORITE INGREDIENTS and that dude was a PRO STAR, not to mention the greatest basketball player of all time. Some people were left craving McDonald’s unique blend of herbs and chemicals, unable to satiate their incredibly specific hungers. It’s just gone. Hell, I know how they feel. I was all about the Arch Deluxe for the however-many months that thing was around.
The story here should be, “hey, remember a cheeseburger from 20 years ago,” but some people never give up on their dreams. 20 full years later, a man has placed a winning bid on eBay of $9,995 for a jug of authentic McJordan barbecue sauce. Keep hope alive!
Who knows if that’s even McJordan barbecue sauce? Some Internet stranger could’ve made 10 grand putting George Foreman grill drainings into a service jug. Regardless, the bid has been placed, and somewhere, somehow, an assumedly super, super fat guy is accurately recreating something that was better than the McRib, but worse than literally all other food.
The funny thing is that Jordan didn’t even EAT the McJordan. He was a Big Mac man. Proof:
From the earliest planning stages of the 2012 Summer Olympics, one of the (surprisingly and needlessly) biggest stories was about the involvement of McDonald’s with the fast food chain’s creation of its largest store yet, right in the heart of London’s Olympic Village. It turns out that McDonald’s – like most major sponsors of the 2012 games – had a relative stranglehold on the food market, as only Grimace and Co. were allowed to sell French fries.
What happens, then, when you pit a global celebration of the greatest young athletes from every country against the financial dominance of high calories and pink meat paste? According to a vague, poorly-written article, obesity will always find a way to triumph over exercise.
Ans as the BBC drew in record viewers for the Games, the capital shunned exercise regimes and instead indulged in the fun of the Olympics with extra snacks and alcohol in front of the T.V. leading to a whopping 18.9m stone weight gain across the UK.
And Londeners were the biggest snacking offenders with an average weight gain of 5.2 lbs. (Via The Daily Mail)
Great, people are blaming their weight gain on their own decision to sit on the couch and eat as if someone held a gun to their heads and forced them to watch the events, instead of getting up and walking around. I’m so sick and tired of this kind of lazy blame-shifting. If only we had someone with the right attitude to inspire us.
Perhaps there’s a certain 12-year old from America’s London who wants to once again help us find our greatness.
"Your'e next, freak shows."
While most athletes will be looking to break world records in their respective events, McDonald’s is looking to set some new world records as well, by cramming two all-beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, and cheese down the vuvuzela holes of everyone at the 2012 Summer Olympics in London. The fast food goliath has constructed four temporary locations in Olympic Park, with each station featuring 32,000-sq. ft. of Golden Arches goodness.
So what can the world’s greatest athletes and their fans hope for? Well, the McUsual calories.
“The one in the Athletes Village is likely to be the busiest of all of them and athletes know more than most people what they should and shouldn’t be eating,” Jill McDonald, chief executive at McDonald’s UK, told The Sun.
The food choices at the Olympics will be largely identical to the fast-food giant’s fare around the world — burgers, milkshakes, fries and chicken nuggets. (Via the NY Daily News)
I love the message there – “Look, we know that we’re going to serve tens of thousands of Big Macs during the Olympics, but people should be smart enough to know if they should actually eat them or not.” And of course people are pissed off at McD’s for this kind of culinary dominance at an event that features people who are role models for their dedication to physical fitness and throwing metal balls.
Were you aware that obesity is a problem in the world’s richer countries? Ha, me neither! So let’s check this fancy ass McDonald’s out before people absolutely destroy it.
“Shoenice” (he’s the one in the video wearing a shirt with SHOENICE across the front) is a comedian from upstate New York and a Yankees fan who has amassed a decent amount of side-eyed Internet fame for eating random sh*t — bottles of Elmer’s Glue, tampons, an entire box of crayons, etc. — and while it’s not even remotely related to sports I’m gonna quote the NEW YORK YANKEES, CRAZY FANS and COMPETITIVE EATING tags and say f**k you, it’s Friday.
This is easily my favorite video he’s ever done, 10% for the absurdity of a guy thinking this was a good or desirable idea and 80% for the hilarious commentary of his friends. Here’s a definitive list:
- “Oh myeh God, GOD DAMNehhh”
- “You’re rocking, dude!”
- “Niiice, bro!”
- “Ohson!/Oh my God!”
- “Yer da man!”
- “Woo! Woo.”
The final 10% is for visual proof that Shoenice has friends. I’m guessing he used his glue-chugging money to make these guys paid extras.
[h/t Bob's Blitz]
To their credit, that’s mostly just “ugh, look at this asshole”. Via Mentality Magazine.
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Links
30 One-Hit Wonders Who Deserve Their Own TV Shows - 31. “Shave Tonight”. Eagle Eye Cherry gives you tips on how to prepare for that ever-important first date, because tomorrow you’ll be gone. [UPROXX]
Ranking the 10 Most Profoundly Stupid Characters Currently on Television - There should be a follow-up list of the most profoundly stupid characters EVER so Kim Bauer could rank. OH NO A COUGAR LET ME RUN TO THIS HERMIT RAPIST’S HOUSE AND CHANGE CLOTHES. [Warming Glow]
RIAA-Ruined Rap: The 20 Worst Platinum Hip-Hop Albums Of All Time - LOL at Chingy having a platinum album. And while I’m at it, there’s no way Vanilla Ice’s album is worse than Willennium. [Smoking Section]
Five Reasons the XBox 720 Should Embrace Used Games - The only way I’m buying an XBox 720 is if I can ride it through a skatepark. [Gamma Squad]
What to Expect When You’re Expecting is Dr. Pepper 10 for Chicks - And if you drink Dr. Pepper 10 while watching What To Expect When You’re Expecting it turns you into a hermaphrodite. [Film Drunk]
If The Posters For Oscar-Nominated Movies Were Honest - I flipped through this WAITING for the making-fun-of-Hugo poster that would make me rage and quit the UPROXX network. Thankfully it didn’t show up. [UPROXX]
Life Has Turned Out OK For Zahia Dehar - If you missed this yesterday, UNF. Also, sorta ew. [With Leather]
The 53 Most Ridiculous Outfits From Paris Fashion Week - Or, “every outfit from Paris Fashion Week”. The only thing worse than people who are into fashion is people who are into music reviews. [Buzzfeed]
17 Cats Sitting In Things - I feel like if you add up all the random numbers from these lists it’d unlock the hatch on ‘Lost’. 17? I’m sure you can find 3 more things a cat is sitting in. [HuffPost Comedy]
11 Signs That Pat Sajak Is Always Drunk - The guy’s job has been saying “heh, continue playing the easiest game show in history, everybody” for like 40 years. I’d be drunk all the time, too. [The FW]
Eating Only Chicken Nuggets for 15 Years Lands British Girl in the Hospital - The worst part is that she’s got a bunch of posed photos with McDonald’s stuff, and nobody ever stopped to tell her she was being a weird spoiled little regressive creep. [Brobible]
7 Great Movies That Take Place in Freezing Weather - I don’t know when Mystery, Alaska started being great and not just a 2 hour illustration of how the New York Rangers would almost lose to a bunch of random citizens. [Unreality]
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