The story: A guy on a message board somewhere posted a thing about how golf pro Phil Mickelson and his wife were cheating on each other a la “Escape (The Piña Colada Song)” and mentioned that Lefty had fathered an illegitimate child. It’s probably not true, because nothing on the Internet is true, and if it is, who cares?

Well, apparently Phil Mickelson is new to the Internet, because the Cyber Police have been contacted and he’s gonna find you online and fight you in real life:

As funny as “Phil Mickelson didn’t f**k a lady” is as “breaking news”, that’s not the best part. Neither are his outstanding reaction of “well I NEVER!” or his monocle coming loose and falling into his wine glass.

No, the very best part is TMZ’s write up of the non-events, which starts with “sinking his putts” as a euphemism for cheating on his wife and runs headlong into what could be the greatest and most melodramatic use of boldface in Internet history:

Oh no, not an Internet Service Provider! I hope he doesn’t use a telecommunications device that transmits and receives sounds to call his lawyer!

Let me see if I can get in on this. Phil Mickelson once f**ked a dog. That is a true thing he has done. Come at me, bro.

You don’t have to be an accredited laboratory technician to look at Khloe Kardashian and say, “hey, that eight-foot tall white monster lady doesn’t look anything like her four-foot tall Armenian princess sisters”, but thanks to some combination of X needing money and Y needing to stay in the tabloids, it’s official: According to a report from Radar Online by way of Star magazine, Khloe Kardashian is not a Kardashian, and patriarch Robert took a “well, duh” approach in explaining where she came from.

“Khloe is not his kid — he told me that after we got married,” Jan Ashley, 63, the woman who married Robert after Kris Jenner, revealed to Star.

“He just kind of looked at me and said [it] like it was a matter of fact. He said, ‘Well, you know that Khloe’s not really a Kardashian, don’t you?’ And I said…’OK,’ and that was it.”

As godawful and deserving of a casting into pits as the Kardashians are, you’ve got to feel sorry for a woman when the news story of the day is, “yeah, she isn’t real, but we didn’t want to be embarrassed so whatever”. It gets worse for her, too … she isn’t adopted or a daughter from a previous marriage who got shuffled into the group like so much Jan Brady. Khloe is a Kris Jenner lovechild.

Ellen Kardashian, 63, married Robert in 2003 just two months before his death, after dating for nearly six years — and she has also come forward after eight years of silence to “tell the truth” about the Kardashian family.

“Robert did question the fact that Khloe was his,” Ellen said. “Any normal man would if they knew their wife had cheated on him … [but] he never would have considered a DNA test,” Ellen concluded. “He loved her very much.”

“But I don’t give a sh*t about them,” she added. “So here’s all their garbage.”

Khloe has already taken to Twitter to defend herself, because what’s she supposed to do, wait for Lamar Odom to do it?:

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