Two days ago, when I compiled the Here’s The Rest Of The Christmas Stuff post, my intention was to never write about Christmas again. Along comes this clip of Megatron and Matthew Stafford starring in Kensington Church Christmas 2012, and I’m drawn back in for one last score.

There’s so much to love about this video, including:

1. The acting. MY GOD, the acting. They give the Kensington Church staff wacky lines where they playfully insult each other, and it’s like the between-songs dialogue in an episode of ‘Glee’ written by my Aunt.

2. Johnson and Stafford tossing around a football like they’re filming scenes for The Room.

3. Johnson and Stafford introducing themselves a la Resident Evil characters, as if we’re watching the Kensington Church Christmas video and aren’t gonna know who they are. “Picture this, me, Matthew Stafford, in a shotgun formation in Santa’s sleigh!” “And me, Calvin Johnson, the master of unlocking!”

4. Football players’ best idea being “say as much about football and Christmas as you can, whether it makes sense or not.” Seriously, listen to what they’re describing. It’s mind boggling. “I roll right to avoid the blitz from the Grinch!” And he throws “the tightest spiral you’ve ever seen” with a Christmas present. And then we dump Gatorade on the baby Jesus!

5. Megatron not being able to consistently say “present.” I CATCH THE PRESINENT.

And on and on. The precocious child who wants the play to be about Jesus! Jokes about pissing in a church video! Everybody involved just kinda swaying back and forth like they’re Street Fighter characters for no reason, because they aren’t actors and think they have to be dynamic! It’s truly the gift that keeps on giving.

Or the gift that never gives. However that works. Remember, everybody: DO NOT GO TO CHURCH.

[h/t to Diehard Sport]

He didn’t sign up, and NOW look at him!

You know the drill by now. With Leather has been teaming up to bring you top-shelf fantasy football with FanDuel.com all season. This is the last game we’re doing with them, so if you’ve been on the fence about participating before, now’s your time to shine.

We’re giving you a chance to draft a team and turn a $2 entry fee into $1,000 in prizes. That’s a $998 profit for clicking a few names. If you haven’t played before, here’s how it works:

This week’s game starts at kickoff on Sunday, October 28, so sign up for the game now and tinker with your line-ups until then. We’ve only got 555 spots available, so get in quick.

Pro Tip: Don’t draft anybody with gigantic clods of grass in their face.

Watching Detroit Lions quarterback Matt Stafford poop the bed against the St. Louis Rams yesterday was rather bothersome for me, as I spent a quarter of my auction league cash on his three-pick-throwing ass a week ago. But then I remembered the above commercial for Monday Night Football and the irony tickled me enough to make me forget that he almost cost me my suicide pick, too. Seriously, just too much stress in one afternoon.

Speaking of football and quarterbacks that cause migraines, Philip Rivers and the Chargers headline an evening that features two fierce NFL rivalries. And if you’re a communist or tree-hugger and you don’t like watching the NFL, I’ve found some alternative programming for you as well.

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When the NFL first announced that it was going to host an Oscars-like awards ceremony for the league’s season awards, my first thought was, “Great news for people who like the ESPYs but have ADHD.” But Alec Baldwin was hosting and I like football, so I figured I’d at least be able to watch it for the sake of making fun of it. Yet as I watched it Sunday morning on my DVR, I couldn’t help but admit to my dog that it wasn’t terrible.

The NFL Honors were far from perfect, though, and if they’re going to make this event a tradition, league officials are going to need to make a few tweaks to the overall process. For starters, as much as I love Baldwin, he didn’t exactly hit home runs with his jokes. I mean, I laughed, but they showed more blank faces in the audience, and I really don’t know if Clay Matthews appreciated being called Madonna.

As for the actual award process, I know that they need to make it seem like each category was so close and it was so difficult and arduous to determine which players were going to win, but we’re not stupid. Offensive Rookie of the Year couldn’t have been more obvious, so clearly we didn’t need two minutes of intro footage that included Mark Ingram and Julio Jones. If anything, it felt like some guys were being teased.

Most of the awards were dead on – I only really disagreed with one – so we can debate them and some of the evening’s finer moments after the jump.

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You may or may not have heard about Detroit Lions linebacker Zack Follett calling quarterback Matthew Stafford a “china doll” on a radio show earlier this week. Follett is now trying to correct himself for what he said, and he’s going about it in the weirdest f-cking way possible- by putting the blame on Satan.

He used Vimeo to make a response to his comments, and it’s very worth watching as he stumbles through a bunch of stuff about Christianity and how Lucifer hates Matthew Stafford’s tinfoil shoulder so much. The video is after the jump.
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The Detroit Lions have named Matthew Stafford for the 2009 season, going as far as to say that he’ll keep playing–regardless of performance–unless he gets injured. Depending on who you ask, Stafford either played well enough in preseason to close whatever gap there was between him and the wiley vagabond Daunte Culpepper, or coach Jim Schwartz’s “competition” for the job was a sham. Culpepper, whose tiny hands will be sitting on the bench yet again, has gone out of his way to show support for Stafford, releasing a statement through the team:

“Now that the debate is over and the decision has been made regarding the starting quarterback in Detroit, I would like to make the following statement today so that tomorrow I can put all of my energy into helping our team prepare for our opponent,” Culpepper said in the statement.

Culpepper said he restructured the year left on his contract because he would have a chance to vie for the starting job and said he was “excited” when the Lions drafted Stafford No. 1. via.

Excited? So excited that he probably threw a floor lamp through his living room window. Credit to Culpepper for playing the hand he was dealt, and for recognizing the Black Quarterback/White Quarterback dynamic that can divide a locker room when teammates tend to fall in line behind one guy. But Stafford can’t do any worse than Dan Orlovsky’s leisurely stroll out of the end zone last season; and with that kind of baseline, the Lions could start a ’58 Edsel under center and nobody would care. Or notice, really.