Just kidding. For a header, here is an awesome rap video.

Links

So Long and Thanks for All the Puppies - Matt Ufford is leaving Warming Glow, so I wanted to take a moment on this sports comedy blog he created to thank him for everything. Him going “hey, you should let this guy write” is the only reason I’m a part of the UPROXX family, and I’ll never forget that. P.S. you really should’ve put me in charge of Warming Glow, because I mean seriously [Warming Glow]

10 of the Greatest Comic Book Video Games - The list goes 1. Arkham Asylum, 2. Arkham City, 3. Captain America And The Avengers in the arcade, 4. that one Spider-Man game for the Sega CD with the Mr. Big soundtrack, 5. All Others. [Gamma Squad]

Crossface Chickenwing Rhymes: 7 Hip-Hop Lines About Bob Backlund - The best post in the history of the Smoking Section. DON’T EXACERBATE ME! [Smoking Section]

The Best Of #April Ludgate - If Annie Edison didn’t exist, she’d be my TV girlfriend. “Oh sorry guys, sorry I’m late. I got confused and took a shower after I got dressed ’cause I’m Jerry.” [UPROXX]

That Time Nic Cage Was On The Cover Of A Serbian Biology Textbook - Why does he keep randomly showing up places? He was on one of the rides at the Texas State Fair, too. Is he the Black Racer? Am I going to die? [Film Drunk]

Meme Watch: Hippo Coworker Is On The Other Side Of Your Cubicle Wall - You get that thing I sent you? [UPROXX]

7 Popular Songs That Are Too Rapey - “Hello” shouldn’t be on here, but “E.T.” by Katy Perry should. I feel weird when the little girl playing Just Dance at the Best Buy is shaking a Wiimote to “ready for abduction”. [Buzzfeed]

“Where Are The Great Movies?” Asks The Director Of Indiana Jones And The Kingdom Of The Crystal Skull - Terrible journalism that makes up a headline and nobody reads the body. He didn’t say there are no good movies, he said he’d rather watch older films because they’re more romanticized. Jesus, reading comprehension, everybody. [FARK]

The Original Ending to ‘The Muppets’ Was Much Better - I’d like to think the |Moviefone|

‘Community’ Wins TV Guide Magazine Fan Favorite Poll - Too bad it can’t win any “fans watching television” contests. [AOL TV]

Brace Yourself, You’re About To Like Tyler Perry - Not even clicking this. I don’t want to live in a world where I have a three dimensional view of Tyler Perry, I just want to think of him as Ma Dukes from ‘The Boondocks’. [Pajiba]

A Collection of Masked Movie Posters - The Saw poster sorta looks like a Stormtrooper. I don’t know, all these minimalist things are making me love busy-ass posters. [Unreality]

This one should actually be on the list.

Links

Your Nostalgia Is Killing You: The 30 Worst TV Theme Songs of All Time - I’m going to start off with two list posts that put me at odds with the people I write with at Uproxx. This isn’t “worst theme songs”, it’s any theme song you can remember, and half of them are awesome. [UPROXX]

The 8 Most Nauseating Disney Channel Shows of All Time - The second list is from Jason, a person I don’t know, who sh*t-talks The Suite Life of Zack and Cody AND, AND Dumbo’s Circus. Talk bad about Dumbo’s Circus again and I will literally kill you. [Warming Glow]

Planned Parenthood: 5 Jay-Z Songs About Becoming a Dad - I hope 99 Problems gets rewritten to suggest that a bitch IS one of his problems. [Smoking Section]

7 Monstrous Cthulhu Tattoos: The Evil Being Awakens Human Skin - People will get anything tattooed on them. I want to get the volcano from the old Dianetics commercial. [Gamma Squad]

The Internet Responds to Hurricane Irene with Typical Class and Grace - Slightly less disrespectful than running around with your middle fingers in the air while a reporter tells you to stay inside. [UPROXX]

Mila Kunis Loves World of Warcraft - No she doesn’t. Don’t buy this. Olivia Munn doesn’t like video games either. Morgan Webb likes video games because she liked them before she was supposed to. [Gamma Squad]

Never Nude for a Good Cause - The most important link on this list. Donate money, if you can. I’m going to donate money as soon as I start getting paid. [Warming Glow]

George Lucas’s Daughter Beats Up a Japanese Chick - Additionally, George Lucas has been beating the sh*t out of the rest of us since like 1995. [Film Drunk]

T.I. Reportedly to Be Released from Prison on Wednesday - You know it ain’t nothin’ for him to drop a couple stacks on you. Stacks of what, I’m not sure. [Smoking Section]

Matthew Fox Punched a Lady in the Crotch - Suddenly 10 million Chris Brown fans put “Lost” on their Netflix queue. [FARK]

5 Petty Acts That Somehow Violated NCAA Rules - I hope “attempting to demonize deacons” is on here somewhere. Also, “tarring one’s heels”. [The Smoking Jacket]

When Did America Develop Better Taste in Movies Than the Rest of the World? - When we stopped assuming “what people watch a lot” meant “what people like”. I’ve seen two of three Transformers movies in the theater, but they didn’t taste good. [Moviefone]

7 Bizarre Ancient Contraception Techniques - Number eight: Having Brandon’s 7th grade haircut. [Buzzfeed]

The 5 People and Things on Network TV I Miss the Most Right Now - 1. Freaks and Geeks, 2. Paramore music videos, 3. The Bozo Show with the proper Bozo from my childhood, 4. Cookie from the Bozo Show, 5. Cuddly Dudley. [Pajiba]

With Leather’s founding editor Matt Ufford attended the CrossFit Games in Carson, California last weekend. This is his report.

If you’ve never heard of CrossFit, the simplest description for it is “fitness cult.” As with most cults, there are gurus, a particular style of dress for its members, and a separate vocabulary that can take weeks or even months to learn. Notably — as with most cults — gurus and followers alike shy away from the word “cult.” But there’s one important difference between CrossFit and Scientology or Jonestown or the Movementarians: obeying CrossFit’s religion of short but intense workouts produces undeniable results.

Nowhere is that more obvious than the CrossFit Games, the fledgling sport’s annual competition to determine the fittest of the fit. The devotion of the faithful is on display everywhere: in the competing athletes, in the muscular bodies of the crowd, in the companies hawking fitness wear and protein drinks, in the food trucks selling snacks compatible with the paleo diet. Even as someone who works out at a CrossFit gym*, I felt out of place with my average build and torn pectoral muscle and general unwillingness to take off my shirt amidst a sea of physical perfection.

On the following pages is a photo essay of the Games, with my commentary peppered in. The professional-looking images are courtesy of CrossFit; the crappier candids were taken on my iPhone.

Read the rest of this entry »

Sir Charles Barkley is an eleven-time NBA All-Star and a member of the original Dream Team, but he was never really a fitness role model. He’s also 48 years old and spent the last half a decade rocking the Five Buck Box, so react with only mild surprise when you see him looking turrble in his first week of CrossFit. I’d struggle with it too, especially if Ludacris was screaming GET BACK MOTHERF**KER at me while I cleaned and jerked. Maybe I just don’t have what it takes to be a member of Team COCKDIESEL.

Our own Matt Ufford is a CrossFit veteran, so I asked him what he thought of the video. His two cents:

I almost feel bad making fun of Barkley — this was apparently filmed during his first week of CrossFit, a time when a lot of the exercises are unfamiliar and uncomfortable (note: I’m endlessly thankful and relieved that my first week of CrossFit wasn’t filmed). Check out his cleans compared to everyone else’s: he doesn’t have the wrist flexibility to rest the bar on his shoulders.

We can laugh now, but if Sir Charles sticks with it, he’s going to look a hell of a lot better in six months.

Now to find that hilarious video of Detlef Schrempf doing P90X.

I’m in the middle of Blogs With Balls, but I had to get this out before anything else. It’s the intro for the conference, produced by the indefatigable Bill Saylor, aka Slickbomb, and friends. And enjoy this sneak peek at original daddy Matt Ufford passed out in Prospect Park. Nice boxers, big boy. Thanks, John, for the link.