Despite having a new, fresh-faced Caucasian quarterback in Matt Ryan and first-year head coach, or perhaps because of them, the Atlanta Falcons are having trouble selling out their first home game this Saturday against Detroit. NFL blackout rules state that the game has to be sold out by Thursday (or 72 hours prior to kickoff), or the game won’t be on TV. And Falcons brass are pulling out all the stops including sending emails announcing that ticket prices will be discounted by…you better sit down for this…ten bucks!

As [of] Monday, the team announced that 2,500 tickets were still available.
The e-mail read: “With promising rookie Matt Ryan at the helm, Head Coach Mike Smith’s Atlanta Falcons charge into a new era of football this Sunday at the Georgia Dome when they host the Detroit Lions in the season opener.

So that $45 seat in the nosebleeds you were scoffing at on Tuesday? They’re now…thirty-five! Whoopdie-doo. Most people in the south hate the NFL because they prefer to watch college athletes play “for the love of the game.” If by “the love,” they mean the chance to gang-bang cheerleaders on your couch, and then sign a multi-million-dollar deal to play in the NFL, then yeah.

I hate bullshit power rankings, so I make up my own.

1. Keeley Hazel. Posing topless is a well-known fillip for rankings placement. Not as good as fellatio, but we make exceptions. 

2. The Steelers. They saved John McCain. Or maybe they didn't. Either way: Best. Team. Evaaaaahhhhh.

3. Matty Ice. Because nothing goes over in Atlanta like Rodgers & Hammerstein. I kid, of course. Big Gilbert & Sullivan town, that one.

4. Jelena Jankovic. Whipping it out like it, she could write for Jezebel.

5. Bulls. Good for Picasso, good for goring other dipshit Spaniards. 

6. Asshole Neighbors. We can't get rid of the real Fenway, but at least they're stopping any imitations from cropping up.

7. Spell check. Because it's a vital tool sometimes. Like when naming an NBA franchise. 

8. The Olympics. It's going to be an embarrassment of riches for disaster lovers. And don't give me that pageantry of sport claptrap. They'll be plenty of amazing athletic feats as people attempt to flee the orgy of death. 

9. Bruno. For exposing Arkansas to the gays. It's about time they gotsomething besides plain ol' vanilla incest.

10. Tony Gonzalez and Brian Bosworth. For canceling out the bad karma incurred from two horrible acts done by NFL players. Just a couple trillion or so to go.

Video of the week.  Who kidnapped your girlfriend? The "No Nose" Knows.

Top Falcons draft picks Matt Ryan and Sam Baker received a hearty welcome to Atlanta, where they were quickly shuffled to the theater to stand in front of the cast of Oklahoma!  "Wow, a performance just for us!  Where do we sit?"  "You don't sit.  You must stand.  Up front, stage center, facing the audience."  No joke, this is the single most awkward thing I've seen in months, and it is a masterpiece of comedy.

Side note: like most sports fans, I know a lot about Broadway musicals.  And I can assure you with 100% certainty that Oklahoma! is the single most fucking annoying musical in the history of mankind.  The songs are irritating but catchy, it's about five and a half hours long, and there's a "dream ballet" at the end of the first act.  A fucking dream ballet.  About farmers and cowboys settling a Western state.  Eat a dick, Rogers and Hammerstein.

[Kissing Suzy Kolber] 

Amidst all this talk of potential labor strife and rookie salary capping, The Atlanta Falcons signed Matt Ryan to a six-year deal yesterday that would make me hate my life if it weren't for the fact that I don't consider professional athletes to be real human beings, and that's not necessarily an insult. 

Ryan became the second top draft choice to sign when he accepted a six-year, $72 million contract that included $34.75 million in guarantees. Less than a week before the draft, tackle Jake Long signed a five-year, $57.75 million deal with the Miami Dolphins.

The announcement of the new deal came with smiles, confident talk of the future and no mention of Michael Vick, the first pick in 2001 who signed a $130 million extension, the richest in the league at the time, in December 2005.

And then, just for fun, they measured his height again and everyone there had an orgasm in their respective pantaloons. I'm just not expecting him to be much of a pro quarterback. Yeah, he had that last-second conquest over Virginia Tech, but so did that one Asian kid. Granted, he had a bad 40 time, but his completion percentage was off the nozzle. 

[ESPN, home of the new erotic sports film series, E:69, coming this fall]

Boston College narrowly avoided this season's curse of being the #2 team in the country, eking out a 14-10 victory over Virginia Tech last night by scoring two touchdowns in the final 2:11 of the game.  On a rainy night in Blacksburg, Heisman candidate Matt Ryan engineered the first scoring drive beginning from his own 9-yard line, then BC converted an onside kick, then the final touchdown drive (video above, courtesy EDSBS) led to much excitement and silly dancing.

Anyway, the Heisman debate continues to tear our country apart, as Ryan's shaky performance all game long (25-for-52, 285 yards, 2 INT) means he's not worthy of the college football's most overhyped future eBay item, while his icy cool performance under fire to get the win means he's more deserving than ever.  Whoop-dee-doo.

In conclusion, Hokies?  More like Chokies LOL!!!1!1!