Hank Williams Jr. must be rolling over in his grave.

By way of Rant Sports and anyone else who watches actual sports instead of pro wrestling on Monday nights comes the latest in a string of “let’s get people Bocephus might hate to do his job” intro videos, this one spotlighting Sole Surviving Golden Girl and temporary-internet-sensation-turned-person-we’re-tired-of-seeing-in-commercials Betty White.

Betty’s entire schtick these days is that she is Very Old, and the open brings that in spades — on-field collisions are compared to old folks driving, a brief discussion on the elderly Tebowing is had and at one point she calls Matt Ryan “hot”. That’s the best one, because seriously, only someone on the ass-end of 80 would say that. Also, Drew Brees set a passing record, but defenses in 2011′s NFL are forced to play like Snickers commercial Betty White so we’re gonna cover it in asterisks and move forward remembering this clip as the most important thing to occur.

You can check out the video (and a better one) after the jump.

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Sadly, not photoshopped.

Suck for Luck. It’s a pretty simple phrase, right? I mean, it shouldn’t take a team of rocket scientists to comprehend that Stanford QB Andrew Luck is the top QB prospect in college football right now and his name rhymes with suck. Therefore, “Suck for Luck” isn’t exactly unique and I certainly don’t take credit for coming up with the phrase, and this certainly isn’t the only site that posts a “Suck for Luck” power ranking each week. (We’ve just been posting this one longer than the others, so thanks for that.)

I bring this up because I read a humorous argument on the Twitters last week between people taking credit for the “Suck for Luck” campaign, with one person going as far as to claim he came up with it when Luck was a freshman. I won’t point any fingers because this is frivolous and these people don’t deserve the attention, but I just wanted to take a moment to remind people that fans of the Indianapolis Colts and the Miami Dolphins actually have a reason to remain involved with their seasons, no matter what Dwight Freeney and Karlos Dansby think about it.

Let’s not ruin that by being douchebags about taking credit for something that a 5-year old could have created. If we can all agree on that, let’s get on with this week’s suck.

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"WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"

Last night, the mainstream sports media salivated for hours over Michael Vick’s return – again – to Atlanta to face his old team, the Falcons. Of course, the whole team is practically different with a brand new franchise QB, but that doesn’t stop people from barfing rhetoric over what Vick meant to the Falcons, how his success with the Philadelphia Eagles affects his former fans, and how some fans still worship him over Matt Ryan. Basically, it’s a very lazy implication that white people love Matty Ice and black people love Vick.

Whatever the case may be, it’s our job to look at what truly matters – the actual football game. Each week, I’ll be breaking down a Game of the Week using my cock sure NFL expertise, scientific theories, and pure, unadulterated fact to recap the action and blow your minds. Now put on your assless pants, because we’re going to get funky with the Falcons’ exciting victory over the Eagles.

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The New Orleans Saints clinched a playoff berth after defeating the Atlanta Falcons on Monday Night Football last night, 17-14. The Falcons, who headed into last night’s game having clinched the NFC South title, gave up a Drew Brees TD pass to Jimmy Graham in the last four minutes of the game as the Saints avenged their loss against Atlanta in Week 3.

“It feels good,” Brees said. “You just want to punch your ticket to the big show, and we’ve done that. Obviously, Carolina needs to beat Atlanta next week so we can get that one seed.”

“We don’t want to feel this way the rest of the season,” said Matt Ryan, who lost at home for only the second time as the Falcons’ starting quarterback. “We’re going to work hard to make sure we don’t.”

–NFL.com

Whereas many championship teams experience some kind of “hangover” or dropoff in performance in their subsequent seasons, the Saints are 8-2 in games decided by 10 points or less, and their only loss by 10 points or more was their bizarre Week 7 outing against Cleveland. In this age of NFL “parity,” the Saints have positioned themselves nicely to repeat as NFC champs. The Buffalo Bills are ready to see a little bit more of that parity. I bet they are.

The Falcons, meanwhile, have managed wins against St. Louis, Baltimore and Green Bay, and that’s about it as far as potential playoff teams go. Both Atlanta and New Orleans have benefited from favorable scheduling this season. Atlanta ranks 17th in total defense, and their chances of making that playoff run remain uncertain. They’ll have a first round bye, which is kinda pointless since Christmas has already happened.

Despite having a new, fresh-faced Caucasian quarterback in Matt Ryan and first-year head coach, or perhaps because of them, the Atlanta Falcons are having trouble selling out their first home game this Saturday against Detroit. NFL blackout rules state that the game has to be sold out by Thursday (or 72 hours prior to kickoff), or the game won’t be on TV. And Falcons brass are pulling out all the stops including sending emails announcing that ticket prices will be discounted by…you better sit down for this…ten bucks!

As [of] Monday, the team announced that 2,500 tickets were still available.
The e-mail read: “With promising rookie Matt Ryan at the helm, Head Coach Mike Smith’s Atlanta Falcons charge into a new era of football this Sunday at the Georgia Dome when they host the Detroit Lions in the season opener.

So that $45 seat in the nosebleeds you were scoffing at on Tuesday? They’re now…thirty-five! Whoopdie-doo. Most people in the south hate the NFL because they prefer to watch college athletes play “for the love of the game.” If by “the love,” they mean the chance to gang-bang cheerleaders on your couch, and then sign a multi-million-dollar deal to play in the NFL, then yeah.

I hate bullshit power rankings, so I make up my own.

1. Keeley Hazel. Posing topless is a well-known fillip for rankings placement. Not as good as fellatio, but we make exceptions. 

2. The Steelers. They saved John McCain. Or maybe they didn't. Either way: Best. Team. Evaaaaahhhhh.

3. Matty Ice. Because nothing goes over in Atlanta like Rodgers & Hammerstein. I kid, of course. Big Gilbert & Sullivan town, that one.

4. Jelena Jankovic. Whipping it out like it, she could write for Jezebel.

5. Bulls. Good for Picasso, good for goring other dipshit Spaniards. 

6. Asshole Neighbors. We can't get rid of the real Fenway, but at least they're stopping any imitations from cropping up.

7. Spell check. Because it's a vital tool sometimes. Like when naming an NBA franchise. 

8. The Olympics. It's going to be an embarrassment of riches for disaster lovers. And don't give me that pageantry of sport claptrap. They'll be plenty of amazing athletic feats as people attempt to flee the orgy of death. 

9. Bruno. For exposing Arkansas to the gays. It's about time they gotsomething besides plain ol' vanilla incest.

10. Tony Gonzalez and Brian Bosworth. For canceling out the bad karma incurred from two horrible acts done by NFL players. Just a couple trillion or so to go.

Video of the week.  Who kidnapped your girlfriend? The "No Nose" Knows.