Actually, I got that headline from a mythical land called Common Senseville. As I write this post, Dennis Green still has his job. Although if you can tell me why then you should probably be getting back to your job at the think tank. Or the cold fusion laboratory.
Yes, Dennis Green and the Cardinals lost to the Raiders 22-9 yesterday. No, I'm not quite sure how it happened, either. That would involve me actually reading the recap from the game, and to be honest I just don't have the time or the inclination.
What does Green have to do to get fired? I thought the meltdown against the Bears would be enough, but apparently not. Does he have tenure or something? I mean, when you can add outcoached by Art Shell to your resume, it's usually time to get your walking papers. Maybe I can help move things along: Dennis Green, I hereby present you the Matt Millen Award for Extraordinary Incompetence. The trophy is a scuplture made of human waste and Will Leitch's tears.
With all this talk of baseball teams making the playoffs, I haven't given fair attention to the St. Louis Cardinals, who are avoiding clinching the NL Central the way Brian Urlacher avoids condoms. Just to recap, a week ago the Astros were in third place, 8.5 games out of first. The Cardinals were looking at a magic number of six. One seven-game winning streak and one seven-game losing streak later, the Astros are 1.5 games back and the Cards still have a magic number of six. Last night was especially painful, as ace Chris Carpenter blew a 5-2 lead in the 7th inning.
Part of me feels really bad for Cardinals fans, but a much larger part of me enjoys the pageantry of this potentially historic meltdown. This is just like the tortoise and the hare, only instead of a lame fable it's a totally fucking awesome real-life drama with human agony televised every night and Tony LaRussa's job on the line. I'm preparing the Matt Millen Award for Extraordinary Incompetence as I write this.
Astros fans: don't get too excited. You still have Brad Lidge.
The Panthers had a 13-6 lead with ten minutes left in the game when punt returner Chris Gamble threw a grounder across the field that the Vikings recovered. It was like watching special ed kids try to reenact the Music City Miracle. The Vikings then scored a TD off a fake field goal, then won in overtime.
The Eagles were winning 24-7 in the fourth quarter when they decided to stop playing football. A Giants fumble became a Giants TD. The Eagles fumbled; the Giants scored. And Eli Manning put together a field goal drive from his own 20 with less than a minute and no timeouts — with the help of Eagle Trent Cole, whose misconduct penalty gave Jay Feely a 35-yard attempt instead of a 50-yarder. The Giants won 30-24 in overtime.
I salute the Panthers and Eagles. It takes real effort to fuck things up so gigantically. I hereby name them inaugural winners of the Matt Millen Award for Extraordinary Incompetence.
The trophy is a bronzed turd painted with the shattered dreams of Lions fans.
