Welcome to another installment of Wild Card Wednesday, as I try to cram together all of the awesome, random things that we’ve been missing out on in favor of the big stories and half-naked Marisa Miller…

At some point on Sunday, Houston Texans quarterback Matt Schaub hurt his foot and now it looks like his season is over. I’m sure that the Texans won’t completely give up on Schaub until a doctor does something cool and drastic like slam his glasses down and yell, “Damn it, I’m not God!” In the meantime, the second coming of Matt Leinart is upon us, and somewhere there’s a Jacuzzi not being boned in.

Last night, Houston tight end James Casey Tweeted the above image of a local Hooters showing support for the new QB. Unfortunately, after calling the Hooters, I learned that they ran out of space and it should have read: “Hey Leinart, we believe you gave us all gonorrhea.” OK, I may have made that up. But would you bet against it?

I’ve got my fingers crossed for you, Texans fans. God knows this would be my response to losing Schaub…

(Images via Getty, the AP, and Celebslam.)

ESPN analyst and legendary angry dude Bob Knight congratulated his most prized pupil, Duke coach Mike Krzykewski, after he became the all-time winningest coach in NCAA men’s basketball history last night with his 903rd career win. Coach K spent the rest of the night reviewing the personal lives of every assistant coach he has ever employed.

Knight also raised a few eyebrows, as people wondered if he was drinking beer at the analyst table. I’m surprised that people never wondered this before.

Shaquille O’Neal hit a Barnes & Noble in New York City to promote his new book, “Shaq Uncut: My Untold Story,” in which he throws everyone he’s ever met under a bus before he telling the story of how he defeated the Moon God to save Empress Four Titties.

On Monday, Shaq teamed up with some U.S. soldiers to help out with their Toys for Tots campaign. Later, he told everyone how Kobe Bryant used to actually steal toys from children and give them to rich adults as presents.

God bless Joe Paterno, indeed. I read that he sold his house to his wife back in June for $1. He must have been really hard up for money, because I can’t think of any other reason in the world why someone would transfer his property to another person.

Speaking of Marisa Miller, she showed her support for veterans with this special Harley Davidson photo. She’s a nice person.

Even worse, their team name is the Fightin’ Crazy Bitches.

David and Victoria Beckham attended their son’s soccer practice in L.A. when they noticed the paparazzi did as well. I bet he gave them a piece of his mind. Or maybe he…

Put on a show!

Yeah, gotta lose that $6,000 sweater, Dave.

Aw, this family is full of love. And money. A sh*tload of money.

Aw damn it, who let Pitbull in here? Stupid Miami Marlins uniform release parties.

Here are the five Marlins players who weren’t traded last season debuting the team’s new uniforms. I don’t think they’re as bad as the rest of the Internet has made them out to be. They’ll be a lot uglier when Albert Pujols is wearing one, though.

Here’s the Marlins’ new stadium, already at capacity.

We take a quick break to appreciate my new favorite GIF.

(Via Imgur)

Anna Kournikova was apparently told that she will not be asked back as a celebrity judge for the next season of “The Biggest Loser” after the other judges and contestants accused her of being too mean. She’s a hot, wealthy blonde. They should be happy she didn’t throw hot coffee at the fatties.

Czech soccer players threw their coach, Michal Bilek, in the air to celebrate their fifth consecutive trip to the European Championship, unlike when they throw the coach into a pit of starved children if they lose.

Hey boys, don’t forget about Zhou Lulu and the girls!

Oh hey, Gina Carano. I didn’t see you standing there at the UFC on Fox heavyweight championship. You look very nice.

*faints*

And there’s Laura Prepon taking a break from literally nothing.

Super fan Mandy Moore! GRRRRRRRRR MY LOVE FOR UFC IS LIKE CANDY!!!

Those seats are reserved for Mickey Rourke’s cockatoos.

I have never known what Sophie Monk does nor have I cared.

Tito Ortiz and his pet leather duck.

Finally, it’s a goat on a surfboard. Why? BECAUSE IT’S A GOAT ON A SURFBOARD.

Well, the time comes when the lights need to be turned on and the party must end. We had a good run of 10 weeks, as we watched the league’s worst teams flop around like wounded ducks as a few of them tried to convince us they weren’t losing on purpose for the 2012 NFL Draft’s top prize – Stanford QB Andrew Luck. Unfortunately, our party is pretty much over and we can stick a fork in this Suck for Luck campaign. Barring a miracle – and by that I mean the sudden desire to win – the Indianapolis Colts will have the first pick in the next draft.

And that’s fine, because that’s what their fans and ownership openly pined for to very little criticism. Apparently the Colts are allowed to lose on purpose, so let’s all tip our caps to the eventual team that will make Luck the No. 1 pick. In the meantime, we’ll take one last rundown of the power(less) rankings – and don’t worry, we’ll still review each game in our own fun way in the coming weeks – while I try to decide if I want the Miami Dolphins Whiffin’ for Robert Griffin III or Playing Lames for LaMichael James. Maybe Losing Whack, Son for Justin Blackmon?

Decisions, decisions.

1) Indianapolis Colts (0-10) – Peyton Manning says he’s fine with the Colts drafting a QB with their first pick in the next draft, and of course he is. If his neck gets better and he can play again, he’ll start and make $29 million while mentoring Luck, who he has already mentored during college.

"So where are you going to work next season?"

2) St. Louis Rams (2-7) – I can’t even pretend to know what this team needs. What a sad regression. My guess would be Oklahoma State’s Justin Blackmon as a top target for the Rammies now, but they’ll still have to suck worse than Minnesota. That’s a daunting task, friends.

3) Minnesota Vikings (2-7) – If you’re a Vikings fan, you have to be pretty excited about Christian Ponder’s potential. He looks poised and ballsy enough. But is he ballsy enough to lose more than the Rams? I know, this plot line sucks hard.

4) Miami Dolphins (2-7) – My favorite new phrase in this two-game winning streak of the Dolphins is they are “finally using Reggie Bush properly.” Gee, you mean they finally grasped how to throw screen passes to the RB with the most receptions in the NFL since he was drafted? Someone get Tony Sparano his MacArthur Genius Grant now. Also, relevant:

5) Carolina Panthers (2-7) – I’ve really enjoyed the Cam Newton era thus far, but my one complaint about him is that he expects to win every game, and if that’s my biggest complaint then good for him. Every QB should think that way. But when your defense is as terrible as the Panthers, you have to be realistic.

The Arizona Cardinals cut Matt Leinart today. Leinart, who enjoyed a celebrated college career at Southern Cal under Pete Carroll, never found his footing in the NFL after being drafted by the Denny Green regime in Arizona with the 10th overall pick in 2006.

Leinart made headlines after impregnating his college basketball star ex-girlfriend (and clubbing it up in New York City after winning the Heisman), being spotted with Paris Hilton and being seen in photographs at some hottub party. On the field, however, Leinart didn’t do jack; he played in 29 games in four years with the Cardinals. He was injured in 2007 and recovered while Kurt Warner basically stole the job that was set aside for him. And now, after being outplayed by Derek Anderson in training camp (and then whining about it), the organization seems to realize that Leinart is not their guy.

It’s worth noting that Leinart was projected to go No. 1 in the 2005 draft, but decided to return to school for his senior year, and one gets the feeling that if he could have stayed at USC for another three or four years that he would have done so. Some guys in the NFL have the talent to party professionally and play football as a hobby while simply not apply themselves. Leinart was not one of those guys.

It’ll be curious to see if Leinart–who still had two years left on his 6-year, $51 million draft deal–will get picked up by another team not named the Buffalo Bills. Frankly, Leinart is way too sexy for Buffalo. He probably wouldn’t recognize the feel of natural breasts if he had his head buried in them.

The word coming out of Arizona is that Derek Anderson will start over Matt Leinart in the Cardinals’ third preseason game against the Chicago Bears tomorrow night. Wait, I thought Derek Anderson sucked. That stuff him about competing for the starting job when he signed with the team in May…that was serious?

“I don’t think we performed the way we want to perform on offense this preseason and we’re going to look at a number of different players in different spots,” said coach Ken Whisenhunt who, when asked what he was looking for Saturday, said “first downs.”

Leinart will play in the second quarter and into the second half, and Whisenhunt said Anderson is not necessarily the starter going forward, only that he wanted to see how the team and players responded to the move. –The Huddle/USA Today.

Their numbers have been about even in the preseason (maybe Leinart has a little bit of an edge) but this might speak more to the fact that Leinart is just not into playing football as much as being a football player. Just think if Roethlisberger had Leinart’s good looks; the line to the Milledgeville ladies’ room would be even longer.

With that in mind, it’s interesting that many people wonder if Leinart, entering his fifth season as a pro, is ready to get behind the wheel of the Cardinals offense. His coaches don’t trust him, nor do his receivers. In six appearances this season, Leinart threw three picks. That’s hardly an adequate sampling, but it does nothing to alleviate the Cardinals’ concerns.

Personally, as a blogger, I’m ready for Leinart’s sexual exploits to become front-page tabloid fodder again. Kurt Warner and his Jesus love are pretty boring, plus Warner’s wife is looking a lot better now, so ripping on her is out. Here’s hoping that Leinart can just hang onto the job long enough to crash and burn over the balance of a full season. I’m just rooting for chaos. And maybe syphilis. Syphilis and chaos.

Anyhoo, we need to have a little conversation about Matt Leinart, who’s already been his own boy band for some time. It’s an image he’s been trying to fight, literally, for a while now, and then he goes and does this. And I get that the ESPYs is not exactly black-tie, but you’re telling me that you couldn’t do any better than some baby blue sweater that your mom bought for you? You look like a third grader on picture day. Buy a jacket. Put it on. Buy pants that fit. I know life is hard for a pro quarterback in July, but you can do it. This is a lot easier than pretending to be a leader in an NFL locker room.

Here are more images of peeps at the ESPYs. I think the woman in the black dress looks pretty good. Really, how hard is it to get dressed up for one of these things? They rolled out a red carpet for you people. A RED CARPET! No one mockingly throws on any old thing in the face of such prestigious floor covering! Although I should talk: I don’t even wear pants to work. But, to be fair, my carpet is more like a light beige number. I like beige. I like to roll around on it in my underwear after I get irritated for people’s poor wardrobe choices. UPDATE: I’ve been told this pic is from last year’s ESPYs, but it’s hard to confirm because 1) the image is undated and 2) I don’t really care. via via

“I really had no idea what I was getting myself into,” Leinart said with a smile. “But in a good way.”

After the first day, Glazer – who lives in the Valley and trains with the Cardinals at Arizona Combat Sports in Tempe — said he thought Leinart had “no shot” to return for more. When Leinart did come back, Glazer made it even more difficult.

“He was hurting,” Glazer said. “I tried to get him to puke. I tried to get him to quit. But he is not the guy I thought he was. He is a tough dude.”

To reiterate: HE IS NOT WHO WE THOUGHT HE WAS. Sure, Leinart might have MMA training on his side, but Kurt Warner still has Jesus. There’s a reason fighters thank The Lord after they win every fight, and it isn’t because he helps you sculpt your abs.

Cardinals quarterback and former USC standout Matt Leinart continues his offseason regimen of hanging out in the hot tub and getting underage coeds from Arizona State drunk.  Does God hate you?  Before today, we couldn't be sure.  But these photos pretty much confirm it.  Sorry.

The Dirty has the details on many of the girls in these (and more) photographs, and it appears most or all of them graduated high school in 2006, placing them in the 19-20 age range.  Leinart is just shy of his 25th birthday, so there doesn't seem to be anything too scandalous about this party.  Oh, well, except the illegal part.  Excuuuuuuse me, Mister Clarence Darrow.  Not all Americans know every obscure blue law in the country, like "the drinking age is 21" or whatever.

Leinart's buddy Nick Lachey, on the other hand, is 34.  If you're 34 and can tolerate a conversation with a 19-year-old girl, congratulations: you are functionally retarded.  But I guess the TV show about being married to Jessica Simpson probably should have tipped us off about that one.

Man nothing tells me I'm doing an awesome job of reporting on sports gossip than when I pick up on a story two days after it hits the gossip pages.  Kristin Cavallari, that chick from that MTV show that led to that other MTV show that led to The Hills, celebrated her 21st birthday on Saturday night, then she banged occasional Cardinals quarterback Matt Leinart.  Well, probably.

Reality show star Kristin Cavallari celebrated her 21st birthday in the company of former flame NFL quarterback Matt Leinart early Saturday at Pure Nightclub at Caesars Palace. When Cavallari, in town to serve as Pure's celebrity host on Saturday, and her friends showed up at Pure about 1 a.m., Leinart was waiting in the VIP section… The former Heisman Trophy winner and former star of "Laguna Beach" were seen leaving together about 3:30 a.m., when both groups left together.

The thing I don't understand is that the photos of her in the red dress are titled "21st birthday at LAX nightclub" and are dated Saturday night.  So are LAX and Pure the same place, or did she have two birthdays on the same night?  Well, the answer is, Who cares?  The real issue is why she's covering up those sweater kittens in that boring red dress.  Don't straighten your hair and throw on a bunch of body glitter and try to tell me you're sexy, Tinker Bell, because that don't fly around here.

Anyway, the bikini photos are from last summer, because who does she think she is?  Trying to be demure, my ass.  Release a sex tape already.

GQ, the magazine for closeted gay men who aren't quite ready for the leap of gayness that is Men's Health, features several of the NFL's most talented young quarterbacks, plus Ben Roethlisberger, in this month's issue. 

There's too much goodness for me to delve into details, so expect a more thorough breakdown from me at Kissing Suzy Kolber tomorrow.  In the meantime, you deserve to see Browns QB James Dean Brady Quinn, plus JaMarcus Russell in a coat he borrowed from Vin Diesel in XXX.  Matt Leinart only did the shoot because he got to keep the model.

In a related story, be sure to look for Trent Green's favorite places to eat a 5 a.m. breakfast in next month's AARP Magazine.

(Big ups: J.E. Skeets)