You Can Win Pretty Much Anything With A Half-Court Shot

Written by Brandon Stroud / 04.17.13

Clippers half-court shot

Nothing is sacred these days. Banks lie to and manipulate you, you’re statistically more likely to get divorced than stay happily married, and a national tragedy can’t bring us together because we’re too busy farting out accusations and conspiracy theory hashtags. We’re terrible, and we can’t have anything nice.

The only thing that seems to have weathered the storm of our culture is half-court shots. Half-court shots are wonderful and can win you things like money or cars or jersey numbers. They are the great unifier.

Two examples:

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Never Forget, Unless We Tell You To

Written by Brandon Stroud / 09.09.11

NFL 9/11 tribute shoes get fines

In a pro football world where wearing high-top cleats to honor the passing of Johnny Unitas can earn you a $25,000 fine, it shouldn’t come as a huge surprise that players hoping to wear red, white and blue gear on the 10th anniversary of 9/11 is a punishable offense. Chicago Bears linebacker Lance Briggs tweeted about his new patriotic Reebok gear and how he expects to be fined for wearing it. So did Kansas City Chiefs running back Jamaal Charles. So did Washington Redskins tight end Chris Cooley and Tennssee Titans quarterback Matt Hasselbeck and most of the San Diego Chargers. So whether or not the league approves, they can’t fine everybody for supporting their country … can they?

Briggs:

Reebok great job on these gloves and shoes..looks like I’m getting fined this week. Lol! By far the best fine I will ever have to pay. Thanks…Fines for gloves could be as much as 5k..the shoes 8-10k I think. not 100% on the shoe fine.

Is wearing 9/11 commemorative gear “showboating”? Is it being done to draw attention to the players who choose to break the rules? To give them more media coverage? I’m blogging about them. I think it’s a valid consideration, but when your talking point is “do I or do I not want to show respect and reverence to my country’s worst tragedy in my lifetime” I’d hope the simple gesture of fellowship and patriotism would not go hand-in-hand with the Lambeau Leap. At the same time, what are Never Forget gloves accomplishing, and isn’t there probably a better way for rich people to show their support to the victims of the attacks?

Regardless, don’t assume the league is totally heartless: the NFL and NFLPA will donate $1 million to related charities and memorials. Of course, the average NFL team is worth about $1.04 billion and ESPN just completed an eight-year extension worth as much as $1.9 billion annually with the NFL for the rights to Monday Night Football, so the issues of “how much can we give” and “how much can we take away from you” sort of go hand in hand.

[h/t Shutdown Corner]

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The Colts Had A Good Idea They Were Screwed

Written by Ashley Burns / 08.26.11

When the Indianapolis Colts signed Peyton Manning to a 5-year deal worth $90 million (all of it guaranteed), most people assumed that was a pretty good sign that his surgically-repaired neck was doing just fine. But when the Colts signed 38-year old retiree Kerry Collins on Wednesday, it appeared that Manning’s neck was an issue. A very serious issue. And now it appears that it was an issue from the moment the lockout ended.

According to ESPN, the Colts contacted Matt Hasselbeck before he signed with Collins’ old team, the Tennessee Titans, because they knew that Manning wasn’t going to be ready for the team’s opener on September 11. But hey, enough with the negativity toward Collins. He’s good enough to get the Colts through a week or two of Manning-less football, right?

“We don’t even know him, we ain’t vanilla, man, we ain’t no simple offence,” [Reggie] Wayne told reporters. “So for him to come in here and be the starter, I don’t see it. I think that’s a step back.” (Via The Toronto Sun)

I have a confession to make – I picked the Canadian article because I liked the funny spelling of offense. I know, I’m an easy man to please. As for the whole “is it desperation or just precaution” argument, Collins’ contract is for $4 million this season. I’m not saying I know what desperation smells like, but I have gone home with a few 2′s in my day.

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It’s Almost Like The Lockout Never Happened

Written by Ashley Burns / 07.28.11

You may not be able to tell, but that image above is Photoshopped. Obviously Sidney Rice wasn’t wearing his Minnesota Vikings uniform when the Seattle Seahawks delivered his gigantic bag of cash yesterday, but we like to imagine that it was pretty similar. Rice, who missed most of last season after he delayed hip surgery stemming from an injury he sustained during the 2009-10 playoffs until a month before the season began, signed a 5-year deal with Seattle worth $44 million. $18.5 million of that money is guaranteed for the 24-year old receiver with one 1,000-yard season.

Welcome back, NFL. My how we’ve missed your economics.

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Two People Predicted The Final Four

Written by Ashley Burns / 03.28.11

"Let's name jspearlman the ambassador to Libya."

ESPN reported last night that just two of the 5.9 million submitted Tournament Challenge brackets predicted the Final Four correctly. That’s roughly two more than I would have ever imagined picking Butler and Virginia Commonwealth to make the Final Four, but nevertheless I tip my cap to those two evil geniuses. After all, it takes real balls to put an 8- and 11-seed in your bracket’s Final Four, especially on the same side.

One of the two perfect Final Four entrants, “jspearlman”, is in first place, while the other isn’t even close (6,343rd place). But the man currently on top of the World Wide Leader’s $10,000 mountain isn’t in the clear just yet. He chose VCU to win it all, but the entrant only 50 points behind him, “dawgpound513”, still has 3 Final Four teams alive and Kentucky winning it all. And the person in third place has 3 teams remaining and UConn winning it all. And none of us really care that much because we lost weeks ago.

How about your “celebrities”, ESPN?

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Pete Carroll Shows He Cares…By Scaring His Team S—less

Written by Shakey / 08.27.10

seahwaks

Newly minted Seattle Seahawk head coach Pete Carroll’s never ending tour of trying to be the zany coach every player is supposed to love continued this week as he used the old parlor trick retirement home facilitators use to thin out the herd by putting a fake snake in a water cooler then videotaping the subsequent reactions. Make sure to watch until the end where you can see a pissed off Matt Hasselbeck grab the offending plastic serpent by the neck as he searches for a perpetrator to murder. Spoilsport!

Video after the jump. Read the rest of this entry »

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