If you don’t watch professional wrestling, there isn’t a lot wrestling fans can teach you.

It’s a short list — what different styles of crotch-chops mean, the names of wrestlers you don’t recognize (but only the popular ones), whether or not Sin Cara had a comic book based on his life in Mexico (spoiler: he did) — but as a wrestling fan and the editor-in-chief of a popular, mostly-non-wrestling comedy sports blog, I feel it is my duty to say stay the hell away from this Groupon.

$37 for a 60-minute sports massage from NuBodi Massage sounds great until you realize it’s being administered by Chris Benoit. Fans of WWE remember Benoit as the man who won the World Heavyweight Championship from Triple H and Shawn Michaels in a Triple Threat match at WrestleMania XX. Fans of Nancy Grace may remember him as the guy who choked his wife to death, choked his 7-year old son to death, helpfully put his dogs in the pool house and hung himself in his home gym. Okay, WWE fans remember him like that, too.

And sure, this probably isn’t the same Chris Benoit, but if years of watching wrestling (and reading Deadspin) have taught me anything, it’s that everything that happens in WWE should be followed by, “was that a work,” wrestling jargon for “was that real, or part of the show?” Which means ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE, which means that maybe Chris Benoit faked his own death, put on a dreadlocks wig and got a job giving therapeutic massage up in Massachusetts. Do not use the Chris Benoit Groupon.

Just be safe, that’s all I’m asking. Wait for the next Groupon deal to come along. Hey, look! Only $80 for Invader #1 Shower Installation! That sounds like a great idea!

[h/t to @BJHiggins]

"Play some Enya, chick babe."

Sometimes I just don’t understand how people come up with their world record attempts other than the standard excuse of, “We just felt like it.” Apparently 641 people just felt like rubbing each other’s backs yesterday in Thailand, because that’s how many masseuses it took to break the world record for the most people spontaneously massaging each other at the same time. I assume the world record for most people who couldn’t roll over for a minute because of a boner was also broken.

The previous record was set in 2010 when 263 performed massages at the same time, and I guess 2012 has just turned into the year of sh*tting all over Australia’s world records. Whatever doesn’t kill them, I suppose. Enough about Australia, let’s celebrate the people of the hour: masseuses!

“It was easy because this is what we do every day for a living,” said 53-year-old Chayanan Chanwuttisawan, one of the mostly female masseuses who took part in the event. “I’m proud of myself and my profession. I never thought we’d have a chance to be recognized like this.” (Via Bloomberg)

But the real question here is how are we supposed to take this record seriously when it was broken in such a notoriously sordid place?

Read the rest of this entry »

Carlos Araque, a massage therapist who formerly worked for the New York Mets, is accused of having swingers' parties and filming X-rated videos at his East Side spa.  The masseur denies those claims, though he has been in trouble with the law before:

Araque had been arrested for violating a woman during a massage at the East 25th Street spa, allegedly penetrating her manually and performing oral sex on her after she fell asleep on the table . . . Araque, whose "make-nice massage" won honors from New York magazine in 2004 . . .

What gives?  I've penetrated women, more than manually most times, only to watch them fall asleep on me, and I've never received any awards.  It's all who you know, I guess.  

Araque, 44, who'd worked sporadically for the Mets for two years and treated the likes of Jose Reyes and Mike Piazza, was also charged with a felony – for giving massages without a license.

Whoa, you need a license now just to heal someone in pain?  I guess that's why those cops arrested me at that gentlemen's club.  Although, the desk sergeant thought my "Physician, heal thyself!" argument was pretty good. -KD

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