When the people at the Guinness Book of World Records released the 57th edition of the most important book to women with facial hair and men with webbed toes back in September, one man was quite pleased to open the book and see his picture next to the title, “World’s Largest Arms”. That man is Milford, Massachusetts’ own Moustafa Ismail, whose upper arms measure an insane 31-inches around, as Brandon wrote about in September. In fact, his arms are so big that people have taken to call him the Egyptian Popeye. You know, that is if he doesn’t mind.

Alas, all is not well in this Egyptian’s land, because people apparently look at a guy whose arms are the size of a place kicker’s waist and say, “Gee, I think that guy used steroids.” And these accusations weren’t just coming from random people. These were message board commenters that were calling Ismail out for alleged indiscretions, and because people on the Internet are experts at everything, Guinness has stripped Ismail of his title for the time being.

Open your heart to us, Moustafa. Open as wide as your cartoonish arms.

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If you don’t watch professional wrestling, there isn’t a lot wrestling fans can teach you.

It’s a short list — what different styles of crotch-chops mean, the names of wrestlers you don’t recognize (but only the popular ones), whether or not Sin Cara had a comic book based on his life in Mexico (spoiler: he did) — but as a wrestling fan and the editor-in-chief of a popular, mostly-non-wrestling comedy sports blog, I feel it is my duty to say stay the hell away from this Groupon.

$37 for a 60-minute sports massage from NuBodi Massage sounds great until you realize it’s being administered by Chris Benoit. Fans of WWE remember Benoit as the man who won the World Heavyweight Championship from Triple H and Shawn Michaels in a Triple Threat match at WrestleMania XX. Fans of Nancy Grace may remember him as the guy who choked his wife to death, choked his 7-year old son to death, helpfully put his dogs in the pool house and hung himself in his home gym. Okay, WWE fans remember him like that, too.

And sure, this probably isn’t the same Chris Benoit, but if years of watching wrestling (and reading Deadspin) have taught me anything, it’s that everything that happens in WWE should be followed by, “was that a work,” wrestling jargon for “was that real, or part of the show?” Which means ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE, which means that maybe Chris Benoit faked his own death, put on a dreadlocks wig and got a job giving therapeutic massage up in Massachusetts. Do not use the Chris Benoit Groupon.

Just be safe, that’s all I’m asking. Wait for the next Groupon deal to come along. Hey, look! Only $80 for Invader #1 Shower Installation! That sounds like a great idea!

[h/t to @BJHiggins]

What you need to know:

BB&N Knights vs. St Sebs football game was played at Harvard Coliseum. This catch was the last score of the game for the Knights and allowed them to win (31-28). Caught by Chad Kohler follow me on twitter @ChadBrah

I love the addition of “I filmed this, my Twitter handle has ‘brah’ in it, follow me”. Anyway, what you need to look and listen for:

- 0:07-0:08 – #3 for St. Sebastian’s (how funny is it that you’d abbreviate a saint’s name to call them St. Sebs) contributes almost nothing to the play, lightly shoves the receiver to the ground and starts pumping his fists and going WOO~!.

- 0:09-0:12 – Touchdown is called, and #3 instantly turns into Troy Barnes from ‘Community’. I can’t make out exactly what he’s saying here, but it sounds like “NO, ARE YOU F**KING KIDDING ME, BULLsh*t!” Him turning to the camera and gesturing like he’s upset about missing the Soul Train awards is the best part.

- 0:14-0:20 – It’s probably someone in the crowd making noise, but the way it’s filmed makes it look like the guy who caught the ball is jumping up and down yelling like Howard Dean. I can’t even assign an onomatopoeia to a scream like that. It’s like “YES! YESSSS! WOOOOO” from the mouth of a condor.

- 0:24-0:26 – “That’s why you work hard right there! That’s why you work hard!” Not sure if he’s talking about accidentally catching a touchdown pass, or just walking backwards slowly with your head up and hoping for the best instead of jumping or actively trying to catch the ball.

[h/t Prep Rally]

I’m just gonna spit it out, because the headline is the punchline: A Massachusetts woman was arrested Thursday for hitting her boyfriend in with a baseball. And not one of those River City Ransom things where you hold the baseball while you punch, she threw it at his face.

26-year old Maritza Alvarado faces a charge of assault and battery with a dangerous weapon after a heated argument led to a fastball to the f**king forehead. The story refers to her as a “Methuen resident” and it seriously took me five minutes to look at the AP header and realize that’s a place in Massachusetts. Not surprised to see a couple of Meth residents having a run-in with the cops.

The boyfriend in this story is what we on “The Wire” like to refer to as “a good soldier”.

The man, who police did not identify, was found with fresh bruise on the left top of his forehead. When asked what happened, he told police Alvarado got mad and threw something at him then refused to speak further about the beaning. He refused to seek a restraining order against her and would not talk to police.

It was unclear if Alvarado had an attorney.

…because it’s totally this guy.

In a related story, I wonder if Derek Jeter could get police to arrest a woman by saying she hit him with a baseball, whether she actually did or not?

[h/t Sportress of Blogitude]

Newly forged icon among men Kevin Provencher will serve two and a half years in prison after being found guilty of running a prostitution ring in Salem, Mass., Superior Court Friday. I never heard if the male-dominated Massachusetts press referred to this as the Salem B:tch Trials, because that title, while horrible, is quite snappy.

Provencher worked 23 years for the Manchester, N. H., Union Leader prior to his arrest in July of 2009. He is a four-time winner of the New Hampshire Sportswriter of the Year award from the National Sportscasters and Sportswriters Association.

His attorney asked the judge to sentence Provencher to probation instead of jail, saying he had no previous criminal record and only started his “side business” to make up for a reduction in his sportswriter’s salary that resulted from the newspaper industry’s economic woes.

Prosecutor Melissa Woodward…said the women earned $240 per hour or $150 per half-hour and would pay Provencher in cash or by depositing the money in his bank account in 2008 and 2009.

–CNHI.

Glad to hear that entrepreneurial spirit is alive and well in the Northeast. Those student loans aren’t gonna pay themselves off, ya know.

A few weeks back we brought you some footage of some Arkansas high school football announcers who were excited that there “ain’t no flags”, and that was a great joy that we all shared with everyone in the Natural State. But high school football is not always full of sister-kissing joy. Sometimes it can be sad and maddening, and today we have a great example of the rage that poor high school officiating can cause for some announcers.

While calling a game between the South Boston Patriots and the Worcester Patriots*, quarterback Sully O’Malley** throws what is clearly a “five yahd backwards pass”, making it a live ball, and the defender keenly grabs it and takes it to the end zone for a touchdown. But those fahkin’ refs can’t get anything right and they call it an incomplete pass, nullifying the score and ruining the lives of the two announcers. BOO! BOO YOU FREAKIN’ RETAHDS! YOU RUINED THE FAHKIN’ GAME!

Video after the jump, and there may be NSFW language but I can’t really understand half of what is being said, so exercise cahtion…

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