Yes, I know he's a Buc now.

There were three inherent dangers that came with making these rankings. First, the obvious reader disagreement with my rankings and the subsequent cries of “You’re a moron” and “This child is yours” that come with it. Second, the distraction of the themes and the argument that I’ve neglected this girl or that. With that, I feel true regret for some omissions, but I’m not Bill Simmons and I can’t assign a different female to every player listed, nor can I fellate myself. And third, I’ve exposed myself to my own neighbors leagues and now my fellow fantasy owners know my draft strategies and the players that I’m targeting. Oh well, it’s their funeral, because I’m wrong 9 times out of 8.

But the show must go on, and today we are examining the endangered species of the worthwhile tight end. Through no obvious relation or even basic reasoning other than my newfound adoration of the WWE’s Maryse Ouellet, and with the help of Senor Stroud, I’ve chosen to compare tight ends to the ladies of professional wrestling. Perhaps in another season I’ll even go as far as to use the Glamorous Ladies of Wrestling. Until then, the standard tight end rules apply:

- Don’t draft one too early.
- Don’t draft one too late.
- Don’t get sucked into the “run.”
- Don’t draft Jeremy Shockey. When will you learn?

Now let’s start the controversy.

Sports

Khal Drogo Was Hammered! Also He Writes Conan Fan Fiction, Apparently - If it happens at UFC, it is technically sports! Part of me wants to see the new Conan movie, because the old comic book covers are the best, and because a good God Of War movie will probably never exist. The more reasonable side of me says “there is a different movie about a gladiator battling snakes in 3D every year, skip this one, too”. [Film Drunk]

Which NBA Legend Is Getting LeBron Ready for the 2011-2012 Season? - Is it Vlade Divac? I bet it’s Vlade Divac. Oh, it’s still just Hakeem Olajuwon. Maybe if LeBron had won the NBA Championship he could’ve unlocked some new legends. [Smoking Section]

Daniel Bryan Hypes The Hammerlock - Watch my favorite pro wrestler explain how basic pro wrestling holds, when used in real life, can rip your arm in half. I want to see a John Cena-style STF in an MMA fight, where a guy is getting his ears rubbed by the inside of Cena’s arms AND IT HURTS SO BAD. [YouTube]

With Leather

The Best Athletes and Other Stars from the 2011 Teen Choice Awards - Skip through pictures of Justin Bieber and the living Jonas Brothers to get to a big happy picture of Maryse Ouellet at the end. And now, the award for “Best Athlete” goes to … SKATEBOARDER I’VE NEVER HEARD OF, C’MON, GET UP HERE SKATEBOARDER I’VE NEVER HEARD OF [With Leather]

The Best and Worst of WWE Raw 8/8 - I’m getting some negative feedback because this week’s BAWOR is more negative than usual. Please note that while I appreciate negative feedback, Best and Worst is not the “Like Everything Every Week” review, and sometimes I’m just not gonna like the show. It’s not a big deal. [With Leather]

The Pittsburgh Steelers Are In The Dark Knight Rises - So what, the Cleveland Browns have been in the last 10 Tyler Perry movies. [With Leather]

The 80s Sitcom Daughters Guide To Fantasy Football Wide Receivers - Don’t sleep on Burnsy’s awesome fantasy football guides, which are some of the best and most useful content we’re producing. No, Punky Brewster didn’t make the list. Yes, I think that is disappointing. [With Leather]

Not Sports

When Bad Movies Happen to Good Actors - Or, “we’re going to keep wondering why Harrison Ford looks like that and acts like that and is in Cowboys & Aliens until we figure out what the hell happened”. Also, about 90% of Alan Cumming’s filmography. [FARK]

Bill Murray vs. Betty White Is Beloved Nightmare Fuel - To be honest, Betty White’s head with Bill Murray’s face just kinda looks like Bea Arthur. Argh, I miss the Golden Girls. I miss when the lady channels had Golden Girls reruns and Supermarket Sweep, and weren’t just “watch these white folks look for homes” over and over and over and over. [UPROXX]

10 Famous Fictional Characters You Didn’t Know Were Based on Real People - I knew about it because I know a lot about pro wrestling, but if you didn’t know Shrek was based on a real guy, click this link and have your mind blown. [Buzzfeed]

5 Ludicrous Jurassic Park Movie Vehicle Toys - “Dino Damage!” is one of my very favorite references. I feel like any of this stupid G.I. Joe bullsh*t would’ve made Jurassic Parks 2 and 3 better films. [Topless Robot]

15 Super Fun Futurama Tattoos - I want to get a Church of Robotology tattoo. Futurama is the best. [Gamma Squad]

The 2011 Teen Choice Awards took place on Sunday and if you’re unfamiliar with the event, it’s basically a competition between PR reps, agents, and studios to whore not only their young talent (and their respective vehicles) out to the most important demographic, but also their aging and increasingly irrelevant stars of TV and movies. It’s also a spectacular example of why even 18 is too young for people to be voting. Go ahead and make the national voting age 17, and I guarantee we’ll welcome President Kevin James in 2012.

My typical cynicism would suggest that I’m not a fan of award shows, and that’s a valid estimation, as I believe shows like the Golden Globes, MTV anything awards, ESPYs, and even the Grammys are so void of credibility that even getting upset about them is a waste of time. So why then would I waste my time on a rant on something as decreasingly credible as the Teen Choice Awards? Because I’ve had about enough of these kids on my damn lawn.

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Similarly to last week, I’d like to cover a few things before we begin.

1. If you like these reports, be sure to click the Best and Worst of Raw tag and read through some of the old editions. I build on a lot of previous points and try not to repeat myself too much, so checking out the older columns helps fill in some of the jokes. If you don’t want to do that, here are my jokes: Kelly Kelly is awesome, I don’t ever want to see Kofi Kingston vs. Dolph Ziggler again, and … well, actually I think that’s all of them.

2. I’m trying to create a community of people who don’t think I’m stupid for covering wrestling, so if you read this, please consider sharing it with other wrestling fans, “liking” it, giving it a +1 (we have a button for that now) and, most importantly, leaving a comment. Comments are the only way I can tell if I’m doing a good job, and they help me put my own opinions into context. I actually give a sh** about what you say, and you can’t say that about 99% of people writing about wrestling on the Internet.

3. Kaitlyn still hasn’t called me. What the hell, you guys.

4. If you’re the type who just clicks through for these reports, yes, we just redesigned, so there’s a lot more white. A lot more white. If you think hard enough, a rack of machine guns comes flying out from either side of the column. It’s pretty cool, so stick with it.

Enjoy.

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All day long I’ve had people asking me, “When is the Best and Worst of Raw going up today?” They can’t wait to hear what I have to say about last night’s show, because it featured one of the most unexpected, revolutionary moments in recent memory. If you like wrestling, it’s all you’ve been able to talk about since 11:15 last night. It took me from then until now to put it into words.

But I’m going to try.

So without further adieu, I present to you the coolest thing I’ve seen on Raw in years.

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I need to get right into the report this week, because the greatest moment in the history of televised professional wrestling may have happened.

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