As news leaked yesterday that ESPN had produced a music issue of the network’s magazine that will hit stands on Friday, the spectrum of reaction ran from “Oh God why?” to “Wait, music, huh?” And while I would totally be on board with ESPN the Magazine publishing an issue dedicated to professional athletes who have acted like musicians and vice versa, this is instead just an exercise in athletes dressing up to look like popular musicians. I know, I don’t really understand it either.

Included in the issue, which features LeBron James on the cover with Dr. Dre, is an interview with Jimmy Iovine, the man behind the Beats by Dre headphones. He claims that LeBron James is a better athlete now than he was four years ago because of those headphones. Seriously. Additionally, there’s also a feature on Seattle’s new superstar emcee, Macklemore, who our own Josh Kurp wrote about yesterday.

But the real fun is had with the athletes, and it starts with Olympic swimmer Ryan Lochte recreating Nirvana’s “Nevermind” album cover.

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Chances are that this week was either your last shot at making your fantasy football league’s playoffs or it may have even been the first round for some of us, but either way it’s safe to say that the dependables did their thing and the risky guys probably didn’t. It was a relatively normal week across the board for the Big 3 positions, with the exception of a handful of “elite” or “bordering-on-elite” wide receivers who really crapped the bed.

But the most fascinating game of the week from both a train wreck and/or fantasy standpoint was the Seattle Seahawks’ 58-0 absolute-clobbering of the Arizona Cardinals. Unless you had the Seahawks defense or Marshawn Lynch in this game, chances are you walked away scratching your head and wondering what the hell just happened. Obviously, there wasn’t a single Arizona player worth a damn (except maybe Rob Housler as a desperation TE *points to self*), but people counting on Russell Wilson, Sidney Rice or Golden Tate must have been PISSED.

What a strange, strange game that was. And if you’re interested, you can watch the entire game in one quick video recap…

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Last week, Carolina Panthers center Ryan Kalil (pictured above at Comic Con 2011 because it’s important) took out a full page ad in the Charlotte Observer, promising fans of his team that the Panthers were going to win Super Bowl XLVII. Obviously, with the season still a month away, and the Panthers coming off a 6-10 season, some people responded to that ad with a hearty, “LOLwut?”

On Saturday, though, Kalil backed his words up with some reassurance.

“I knew I’d take some heat for it, and rightfully so. It’s a bold thing to say, especially in such a tough game,” Kalil said. “But what I care about is who I wrote it for and who it was intended for, and that was the fans and my teammates. So in that regard it’s been very positive.” (Via the Sacramento Bee)

My immediate response to this was, “Oh sh*t, the Twitters are going to eat this dude alive.” However, aside from fans of the other NFC South teams and the typical major market loudmouths, most people seem to dig that Kalil did this. It’s probably because it was a gesture to his fan base, which is rare and refreshing, especially when done with the over-the-top aplomb and bravado replaced by passion and respect.

Kalil’s ad inspired me to ask the question, “What would it look like if more players, coaches, and owners reached out to their fans by guaranteeing Super Bowl victories?” So I went ahead and made some newspaper ads for some players and one special owner to use if they so desire.

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As I’ve mentioned in the past, much to your undoubted excitement, I spend way too much time on Twitter and Tumblr all for the purpose of entertaining you. I mean, if I don’t scour the Internet for GIFs of Brooklyn Decker and Kate Upton, then who will? Sure, I could be rewarded with a Pulitzer one day, but I’ll settle for a Peabody.

In between the GIFs and the jugs, though, I stumble across random sites that simply make me giggle. Today’s chuckle maker comes courtesy of the Tumblr page, The National Foodball League, which combines three of my favorite things – football, puns, and food. If I can appeal to Will Riggins, the artist behind these delightful food (and other) images, I would one day like to see Ryan Bananahill, Veggie Bush, and Flan Carpenter.

I’d make them myself, but I’m fat and it won’t end well.

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The NFL and Nike invited fans from all over the globe to New York City yesterday to unveil the league’s brand new uniforms, as they were presented by one player from each team. As we know, the league’s contract with Reebok expired recently – and not without some awkwardness – and Nike was ready to usher NFL players into a new era of slightly different alterations and aerodynamic thingamajiggies. Our Uproxxian colleague Gotty was on hand to check out the entire new collection, if you want to view the whistles and bells, but the only team that actually received a total makeover was the Seattle Seahawks.

In case you didn’t get to watch much Seahawks action last season, the old uniforms looked like this:

They’re not terrible by any means, but they do lack those essential things like ZAZZ!!! and BOOM POW ZING!!! Thankfully, Nike has a team of experts who majored in those fields at their secret underground universities in the Pacific Northwest, and they were able to give the Seahawks their much needed overhaul. I’m giving it an A+ with two snaps and a sugar shaker from my muffin maker.

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Bills running back Marshawn Lynch was charged with felony gun possession last week, and at the time it seemed like an odd arrest because the news story made no mention of why Lynch and his two friends were pulled over.  Well, that’s because they were parked at the time.  Parked suspiciously.

[P]olice approached the black Mercedes Lynch and two others were sitting in it was parked suspiciously with the engine running, and that the car didn’t have proper license plates.

Run-on sentence much, professional journalists?

“They (officers) knocked on the window of the car. Someone unrolled the window. They saw three people in the car and they could smell a strong odor – marijuana coming from the car. They had the occupants exit so they could further investigate to see if there was any marajuana [sic] in the car. What they found were four, not marajuana [sic] cigarettes – what they call blunts or swisher sweets that appeared to contain marijuana in them,” says [Captain Dave] Tankenson.

Sitting in a parked car getting high with a loaded gun doesn’t seem like the wisest idea, but on the other hand, it’s hard to get pissed at a guy with a great blog who was obviously the target of racial profiling.  Besides, you can’t hate a guy with great fantasy stats.  Unless you don’t own him.