‘Modern Family’ star Ed O’Neill (“star” meaning “one of the 34 people from the show nominated for Best Supporting Actor In A Comedy Series at Sunday’s Primetime Emmy Awards) is a 22-year veteran of Brazilian jiu-jitsu. Long story short, if Ed had gotten into MMA a little earlier, our ‘Married… With Children’ edition of Sports On TV would’ve been lighter on softball and heavier on Al shooting a double-leg takedown on Jefferson D’Arcy and tapping him with a Kimura lock.

Because “Al Bundy is a jiu-jitsu master” is a story that never stops being amazing, Ed O’Neill stopped by the Gracie Academy in Beverly Hills to make an appearance on ‘Gracie Breakdown’, helping Ryron and Rener Gracie analyze the important moments from UFC 152′s Jon ‘Bones’ Jones/Vitor Belfort fight. At one point the brothers explain that when they were little, “Uncle Ed” would trap them on the ground a la Brock Lesnar and beat them up. It is the best.

The breakdown begins with an analysis of the beautiful armbar that Belfort landed on Jones in round one. Ed explains how Jones’ style of ground and pound leaves him exposed to armbars, and then they analyze why Vitor wasn’t able to fully dislocate Jones’ elbow joint. They also discussed the critical details of the round 4 Americana Armlock that Jones’ used to seal the deal and retain title. Very exciting stuff.

Video is below.

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Let’s rock.

Each week, Sports On TV looks at the 20 (or so) greatest sports-related moments from television shows that aren’t always about sports. This week we tackle the low-brow 1987-97 FOX classic ‘Married… With Children’, and honestly, it’s the closest we’ve come to saying f**k it and just writing about sports shows. MWC featured more sports moments and guest appearances than almost any other sitcom, and even featured a sports moments clip-show in the middle of its 10th season. Instead of just finding that on YouTube and posting it here, we’ve put together our own list.

The entire run of ‘Married…’ is currently streaming on Netflix, so if you read about Al Bundy punching a heavyset lady in the stomach or beating a bunch of old people at track and field and want to check it out, you can do so there. If our top 20 didn’t feature your favorite moment, be sure to drop down into the comments section and let us know what we missed.

But for now, enjoy the 20 greatest sports moments from ‘Married… With Children’. Let’s get the greatest moment in television history out of the way first …

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On a day when sports news is dominated by child molestation, I’d like to lighten the mood a little by presenting two sports guys who can’t stop calling people names on the Internet.

The first, former Tampa Bay Buccaneers and Oakland Raiders defensive tackle Warren Sapp, reacted to yesterday’s release of New England Patriots defensive tackle Albert Haynesworth by calling Albert a turd. Exhibit A:

When Belichick gave Haynesworth a chance this season, Sapp figured he might be the only coach left who could get Haynesworth to increase his level of play after two disastrous years with the Redskins.

“If anybody can, [Belichick] can,” Sapp told NESN.com. “The last thing you want to do is show up and be a turd that Belichick cuts. But that’s what he was.”

Exhibit number 2 (cough):

“So when Bill got him — I love Belichick, I love that defense, I love everything about the man — but you can’t make a turd out of something that he’s not. He’s a turd.

You can read the entire interview with Sapp over at NESN, but that’s the digested meat and potatoes of it. Warren Sapp, a guy who would never let money motivate him to do something like dance alongside Kim Kardashian and Jefferson from ‘Married … With Children’ on a gameshow, calling Albert Haynesworth, a man who would never do something for the wrong reasons (like slide his credit card down a woman’s cleavage), feces.

The second incident of the day comes from Stephon Marbury, a man who identifies himself openly as a PEACE STAR, ripping Michael Jordan in a way not too dissimilar from Tracy Morgan as Harry Belefonte on SNL calling Osama Bin Laden an Uncle Tom:

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Former NFL star and delightful comedic giant, Charles “Bubba” Smith was found dead in his Los Angeles home yesterday, apparently from natural causes. Smith was 66-years old. Originally drafted by the Baltimore Colts with the first pick of the draft in 1967, Smith also played for the Oakland Raiders and Houston Oilers. However, it was with the Colts in 1971 that the All-Pro and Pro-Bowl defensive end won his only Super Bowl title.

As a child of the late 80s and early 90s, I can’t really pretend to be an expert on Smith’s collegiate and professional football careers, other than what I’ve read in other news articles and on Wikipedia. Like most people my age (somewhere between 21 and 35) I remember Smith best from one thing – Police Academy. As Moses Hightower, Smith was one of the hilarious characters alongside Steve Guttenberg’s Carey Mahoney, making a mockery of big city police and providing cheap jokes in a franchise that unfortunately began beating a dead horse when Guttenberg was replaced by Matt McCoy for Assignment: Miami Beach. But I digress.

Thanks to the merriment and convenience of YouTube, new generations have also been able to appreciate Smith’s first foray into acting, in a series of hilarious Miller Lite commercials that featured other big sports names like John Madden and Billy Martin, as well as comedic legend Rodney Dangerfield. But if you ask me, Smith’s acting career wasn’t defined by Hightower, as much as it was created by the character. His true defining moment came on my favorite TV show of all-time, and you can see that clip, and a few others after the jump.

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Why is it, that if a man kills another man in battle it’s called heroic; yet if he kills a man in the heat of passion, it’s called murder?

“Modern Family” star Ed O’Neill would be able to answer that question. According to Black Belt magazine, O’Neill, most famous for scoring four touchdowns in a single high school football game, is also (apparently) a 15-year Gracie veteran with a black belt in jiu-jitsu. It’s sort of like finding out Alf could kill you with a palm strike. O’Neill got hooked on jiu-jitsu after visit the Rorion Gracie’s gym in Torrance, California, and failing the “robber test”. The test: a robber breaks into your home and pins you down. You’ve got to find a way to get up off the ground. Can you do it?

Taking the bait, he asked Gracie how he’d managed to maintain complete control (while on top of O’Neil). Once the principle was explained the simplicity of the art floored O’Neil. He set up an appointment to begin training and has been rolling ever since.

This is in direct contract to Ashton Kutcher, who recently put up pictures of himself wearing a borrowed black belt during a trip to Rio de Janeiro. The shorter version of the story: Ashton Kutcher is going to get murdered by a home invader, and Al Bundy is going to kick that guy’s ass. Let’s rock.

To celebrate the spread of this celebrity fun fact, here’s a montage of Al beating the crap out of people.

[h/t to Cagewriter by way of Fightlinker]
(man, my site needs a tougher name)