Alleged NBA basketball player Marko Jaric brought his fiancee Adriana Lima with him to the ESPYs last night, and it’s easy to see why a gorgeous Brazilian lingerie model would fall for him.  How could any woman say no to such a handsome fellow?  That thin, stringy hair!  The close-set piggy eyes!  The slow-growing hint of mustache and soul patch — why, it’s like he’s an adolescent pirate!  Throw in his 8.3 points per game for NBA powerhouse Minnesota Timberwolves (and now the Grizzlies), and you’ve got what may very well be the perfect man.  I admit, I’m a little jealous of Adriana.  What a lucky gal.

(More ESPY photos on the way)

For reasons that scientists have yet to discover, Minnesota Timberscrub Marko Jaric is still dating Brazilian supermodel Adriana Lima, as you can see from these photos of them at American Ballet Theatre’s Noche Latina held earlier this week. (Side note: before anyone disses the ballet, I recommend checking out ABT’s Gillian Murphy and Irina Dvorovenko.)

You know, I can accept that star athletes date supermodels.  That’s their God-given right for being ungodly rich superhuman physical specimens who are generally better than I am in most facets of life.  But this… this isn’t right.  If Jaric’s eyes were any closer together he’d be a cyclops.  He makes lemurs and owls look walleyed.

Suicide-inducing UPDATE: They got engaged yesterday.

[on 205th]

A quality mashup of two of your (least) favorite ESPN people. I'll be fucking stunned if (a) ESPN brings Emmitt back for 2008, and (b) Emmitt actually has the temerity  to say that he belongs on TV by actually coming back. And I thought he was shitty when he was with the Cardinals.

- Monday Morning Punter

[Thanks to Hugo Pecos for the tip, and I'm pretty sure that means "big pecos" in my native land, Ohio.]

If there's one thing you can say about Emmitt Smith, is that his delivery is clean as a tack. I'm sure if the Patriots heed his concise, they'll easily be able to masturbate the ball down the field and unseat the Giants on Hump Day.

I'm fairly certain that if you got Emmitt, Terry Bradshaw and Shannon Sharpe together on a pre-game panel,  they could refute all human knowledge and recorded history and revert civilization to a slathering, unruly mass where the first man to form a coherent sentence shall rule all. Of course, meaning it will be permanent chaos. -Christmas Ape

[Awful Announcing] 

Marko Jaric is apparently the point guard for the Timberwolves.  I've only ever been familiar with his name as the last guy mentioned in a trade; he's the NBA equivalent of a player to be named later.  At least that was the case until the news surfaced that he's dating supermodel Adriana Lima (pictured here on the runway, backstage, and after the Victoria's Secret fashion show).  Once falsely accused of touching Derek Jeter's diseased phallus, Lima apparently likes Jaric enough to sit through T-wolves games, as she caught his game in Denver after Thanksgiving.

Teammate Mark Madsen spilled the beans on Jaric's relationship with Lima. "Ever since he started dating Adriana Lima, he's a new man," Madsen said, laughing. "He's flying all over the court. He dunked! I've never seen him dunk."

Jaric, who scored a season-high 21 points Monday during the Wolves' 103-94 win, took the teasing in stride. Asked if the relationship is the reason why he's playing better, he smiled and said: "Maybe that's the thing, I don't know."

No shit he's playing better than ever before.  Her vagina has powers that the world's greatest philosophers can only theorize about.  If I could have sex with her on a regular basis the crime rate in New York City would disappear and I'd find a cure for cancer in my spare time.  Except I'd probably spend all my spare time having sex with her, so… tough luck, cancer people.  At least the streets will be safe.

Readers may have noticed that I didn't make any mention of Emmitt Smith's victory in the reality crap-fest "Dancing with the Stars" last week or whenever it was. This is probably because I wore myself out mocking Jerry Rice when he was on the show.

However, there's one person out there who has captured my feelings in the majesty of song. And when you're going to capture my feelings in song, pretty much the only way to do it is with a Garth Brooks tune.

(Power Rankings will be posted sometime tonight. Sorry, I'm sleepy.)