Memphis Grizzlies guard Marko Jaric, new husband of supermodel Adriana Lima (pictured), is under investigation after a Philadelphia woman claims that the 30-year-old from Belgrade assaulted her. Sexually! From SI.com:

The incident allegedly occurred in March when the Grizzlies were in Philadelphia to play the 76ers.
Jaric is a seven-year NBA veteran who is in his first season with the Grizzlies. Last month Jaric married longtime girlfriend and Brazilian supermodel Adriana Lima.

Obviously, we’ll all have a better shot at Lima once Jaric is in jail where it belongs. Of course, if that woman was from Kosovo, he’ll claim some ridiculous patriotic impulse. Serbs are angry, man. But foreigners in general are weird. What do you mean, you don’t celebrate Thanksgiving in Serbia? They probably don’t celebrate the fourth of July, either. Heathens.

According to People Magazine, NBA Player to be Named Later Marko Jaric and Brazilian supermodel Adriana secretly eloped on Valentine’s Day.  In related news, God clubbed a thousand baby seals and invented a deadly new STD, because why stop when He’s on a roll like this?

Adriana Lima, a Brazilian supermodel and a Victoria’s Secret Angel, eloped with NBA star [sic] Marko Jaric on Feb. 14 in Jackson Hole, Wyo., in a small, private civil ceremony, PEOPLE confirms exclusively.

“We are so excited about our future together,” says Lima. “And we are really looking forward to a big romantic wedding this summer with all of our friends and family.”

The pair, who want their next wedding celebration in Brazil or Jaric’s native Serbia, met in 2006 and were engaged last June on Lima’s 27th birthday.

Theoretically, this should make all of us feel better about ourselves.  If a rat-faced Slav with no discernible star power can land one of the most famous models on the planet, I should be able to travel back in time to 1960 and have a three-way with Brigitte Bardot and Sophia Loren.  And yet here’s my penis, all alone in 2009.  Time to start drinking.  I think I’ve got some cooking wine under the sink.  Oh, no cooking wine?  This bleach’ll do.

(Photos from last September and the ESPYs in July. Additional galleries here and here)

“This year for Hollowed Wean, I recommend that women do like these cheerlidders and dress revocatively.  Women that dress revocatively is more likely to get detention from men, and earn their reflections.”

(Photo via PCB; also see KSK)

For some mysterious reason, people are pleading for me to post this video of Emmitt Smith lip-syncing to Young Jeezy’s “Put On” during ESPN’s Monday Night Football coverage.  I don’t really get the appeal.  The video quality is ass, it’s poorly edited, and you can’t even really make out what’s going on.  About the only thing that’s worthwhile is that by the end of the clip, Emmitt has stopped lip-syncing, but you can tell he’s still more interested in the song than he is in discussing football.  And I would be too, if I sucked at talking as much he does.

[Black Sports Online]

I heard that every time Adriana Lima has an orgasm, a rainbow appears in the room and at the bottom is a unicorn and the unicorn gives you three wishes.  I haven’t fact-checked that, but it sounds about right.

[on 205th]

Marko Jaric’s NBA career has basically involved him getting traded with other players for better players, with Jaric going to progressively shittier teams.  He also looks like a six-foot-seven weasel with opposable thumbs.

But here he is, getting on a yacht with his Brazilian supermodel fiancée, Adriana Lima.  Why?  Because your life is crappy and worthless, and God doesn’t care about you.  Have a nice week.

[on 205th]

Alleged NBA basketball player Marko Jaric brought his fiancee Adriana Lima with him to the ESPYs last night, and it’s easy to see why a gorgeous Brazilian lingerie model would fall for him.  How could any woman say no to such a handsome fellow?  That thin, stringy hair!  The close-set piggy eyes!  The slow-growing hint of mustache and soul patch — why, it’s like he’s an adolescent pirate!  Throw in his 8.3 points per game for NBA powerhouse Minnesota Timberwolves (and now the Grizzlies), and you’ve got what may very well be the perfect man.  I admit, I’m a little jealous of Adriana.  What a lucky gal.

(More ESPY photos on the way)

For reasons that scientists have yet to discover, Minnesota Timberscrub Marko Jaric is still dating Brazilian supermodel Adriana Lima, as you can see from these photos of them at American Ballet Theatre’s Noche Latina held earlier this week. (Side note: before anyone disses the ballet, I recommend checking out ABT’s Gillian Murphy and Irina Dvorovenko.)

You know, I can accept that star athletes date supermodels.  That’s their God-given right for being ungodly rich superhuman physical specimens who are generally better than I am in most facets of life.  But this… this isn’t right.  If Jaric’s eyes were any closer together he’d be a cyclops.  He makes lemurs and owls look walleyed.

Suicide-inducing UPDATE: They got engaged yesterday.

[on 205th]

A quality mashup of two of your (least) favorite ESPN people. I'll be fucking stunned if (a) ESPN brings Emmitt back for 2008, and (b) Emmitt actually has the temerity  to say that he belongs on TV by actually coming back. And I thought he was shitty when he was with the Cardinals.

- Monday Morning Punter

[Thanks to Hugo Pecos for the tip, and I'm pretty sure that means "big pecos" in my native land, Ohio.]

If there's one thing you can say about Emmitt Smith, is that his delivery is clean as a tack. I'm sure if the Patriots heed his concise, they'll easily be able to masturbate the ball down the field and unseat the Giants on Hump Day.

I'm fairly certain that if you got Emmitt, Terry Bradshaw and Shannon Sharpe together on a pre-game panel,  they could refute all human knowledge and recorded history and revert civilization to a slathering, unruly mass where the first man to form a coherent sentence shall rule all. Of course, meaning it will be permanent chaos. -Christmas Ape

[Awful Announcing]