"Now let's go get a f*cking shame snack."

Tied at 5-3 heading into last night’s game, the New York Jets and the New England Patriots were both playing must-win football. The Jets needed to win to avenge their Week 5 loss to the Pats and get a leg up in the AFC East standings. The Pats needed to win to basically bury the Jets’ hopes, take the lead in the standings and essentially coast into the easiest 7-game stretch that any team will face for the rest of this season.

So what happened? The Pats spanked the Jets to the tune of 37-16 – and it was much worse than that score even indicates – and Rex Ryan found himself once again making excuses for empty promises and worthless guarantees. To be fair, his past guarantees have fallen short much later in the season, but this season was predicated with such boisterous claims that the man with pro sports’ most famous foot fetish now finds himself incredibly humbled.

“It looks doubtful right now,” Rex Ryan said when asked if his team still had a sliver of hope to win their division after a 37-16 loss to the Patriots. “What am I supposed to say?

“Maybe I should guarantee that we’re out of it — the last time I did that, we made the playoffs.”

(Via the New Jersey Star-Ledger)

To recap – Ryan, as he had done the two seasons before, guaranteed that his team would win the Super Bowl. And that’s fine, because he’s a brash head coach for a team that plays on the biggest stage in the game each week, so he should be confident. But he also claimed that Mark Sanchez, who also promised that the Jets would win the Super Bowl this year, was elite and just below Tom Brady and Payton Manning in terms of talent. You know, in the same company as Aaron Rodger and Drew Brees.

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"Sometimes a mommy and a daddy just don't love each other anymore, Painty."

With news that Peyton Manning’s neck is simply not healing as expected, it has become clearer than ever that the Indianapolis Colts may be without their legendary franchise quarterback for longer than just this season. We’re talking forever (forever ever). That’s why it’s disheartening to see Colts fans (like the fellas from last week’s banner image) enjoying this whole “Suck for Luck” idea so much. It’s not like Manning suited up for Week 1 and said, “Screw this” and closed a car door on his neck. And it’s not like he’s holding the franchise hostage either.

When Manning originally signed his 4-year extension, it was reported that he was essentially receiving $99 million in guaranteed cash. Of course, that also meant that he had to stay healthy to get that money. You see, that sly hick actually included a clause in his contract that lets the Colts off the hook if he’s unable to play. That’s pretty classy. Not like, you know, crossing Manning’s name out on your replica jersey and writing Luck over it.

But then, that’s the biggest problem I have with this whole thing. Colts fans are allowed to openly cheer for their team to lose because they need to replace Manning. Dolphins fans, though, are jerks and assh*les because they want a shot at their first franchise QB since Dan Marino. Oh well, that all took a step towards moot this week anyway.

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I’m man enough to admit when I’m wrong about something, so I had no problem making fun of myself yesterday while Ray Rice made me and the Pittsburgh Steelers look incredibly foolish. In fairness, my fantasy football rankings were doomed because I wrote them too early, since I would clearly never take Arian Foster and his hamstring with the first pick, but more importantly because Rice was going to benefit from the disappearances of Willis McGahee, now ruining Knowshon Moreno’s value in Denver, and Le’Ron McClain, who of course joined Jamaal Charles in Kansas City.

With that said, I’ve never claimed to be an expert. So I tip my cap to those of you who nabbed Rice in the Top 5 because it’s pretty clear that he, LeSean McCoy, and maybe even Matt Forte are poised to become the cream of the RB crop this year. That is, if every player in the league isn’t on the injured reserve by Week 4.

Then again, it’s also only Week 1, so I shouldn’t be crowning anyone. But if Rice and his 149 all-purpose yards and 2 TDs against the Pittsburgh Steelers don’t impress you, then I guess you are more foolish than I.

There’s a pretty big difference between Green Bay Packers quarterback Aaron Rodgers and New York Jets QB Mark Sanchez. Sanchez, following the example set by his bombastic head coach, Rex Ryan, proclaimed that the Jets would be visiting the White House this year, as a promise that his team would win the Super Bowl. Rodgers, on the other hand, won the Super Bowl. And while Ryan, Sanchez, and the Jets have left the hyperbole to the New York media (for now), we may have a little rivalry brewing between the two QBs nonetheless.

Sanchez played the role of cover boy for this month’s GQ, and by now even your grandparents should be making fun of the black tank top (seriously, he out-Fezzed Wilmer Valderrama). While it’s not the first time that Sanchez has graced the pages of America’s foremost metrosexual how-to manual, it has still been a lot of fun. Even Rodgers took notice during a recent interview with ESPN Radio.

“Look at this… That’s embarrassing. Page 94 of the GQ thing here. That’s terrible.”

Oh can you feel it, friends? Here comes the Jets’ PR sonic boom, ready to blast all over Rodgers’ face. How is The Sanchize and his 70 career passer rating going to respond to this blasphemy? I’ll bet it’s going to be awesome.

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"Hey Plaxico, YOU SUCK!"

We’re all a little bit better off when we have more Joe Namath in our lives, so it’s great that he sat down with ESPN New York the other day to talk about the one thing that he knows better than anything else – hot skank poonany the New York Jets passing game. The Jets’ offense clearly looks different from last season, as they replaced Braylon Edwards and Jerricho Cotchery with Plaxico Burress and Derrick Mason. While they may be a little older, they sure cut down on the “Whoops, gotta hold on to that” department.

But Namath isn’t so sure about Burress’ status, as he seems to think that his time in the clink and away from the field is going to be damaging to his success this season.

“When I see Burress, certainly in the past, and Edwards, their route running and adjusting, I didn’t like it — and I still don’t. I’ll be surprised if Burress and Sanchez click well, and I’ll be even more surprised if Burress, after being laid off for two years and change, is going to make it through the season.”

Easy now, Broadway Joe. We’re talking about a man who shot himself in the leg and had the benefit of top notch prison rehabilitation and training. You’re worried about his ankles and feet? I’m worried about some young defender putting a cheap hit on Burress and him retaliating in the shower after the game. I’m worried about him filling the Gatorade cooler with toilet wine.

Besides, you know that Rex Ryan has every player’s ankles and feet as his top priority.

Welcome to Week 2 of my new weekly Random NFL Thoughts installment. Feel free to join in the conversation in the comments, even if to tell me how completely wrong I am.

If you have the pleasure of following Indianapolis Colts GM Jim Irsay on Twitter, then you know two things – 1) He’s a huge music fan, and 2) He’s possibly a lunatic. Irsay has a tendency of Tweeting random song lyrics in a way that the average person – and especially the average Twitter user – might not catch on to very well, if they even get him at all. In the case of the latter, he comes across as a complete psychopath.

But in between those lyrical Tweets, he openly talks about Colts football with fans, and since the lockout ended, the only topic regarding Indy football has been Peyton Manning’s neck. By all accounts, the guy who just signed a contract that guarantees him close to $100 million over the rest of his career will not be ready for Week 1. Manning hasn’t seen a snap in the preseason, but that should’t really be a problem for one of the game’s elite QBs if he’s actually going to start the season opener. He can just kick off the rust and run with it. Either way, Irsay wants to f*ck with us.

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