Forget that I’m a Miami Dolphins fan and have a genetic predisposition to hating the New York Jets. Forget that I think that Kim Kardashian is the scourge of this Earth and the first horseman of the pop culture apocalypse. When “news” leaks of Mark Sanchez and Kardashian “secretly dating”, though, it’s like my perfect storm arrived and it’s raining orgasmic smiles.

The website Starberry Ice Cream, which I had never heard of until a friend sent me an email with the subject “Prepare to scream with joy” this morning, claims to have inside sources that know that Sanchez and Kardashian are having a sexual affair. This is important for one reason and one reason only: Sanchez was previously rumored to be dating Kate Upton and if he’s sleeping with Kardashian then he is cheating on Upton, and if that’s true… death penalty.

“Kim and Mark like to meet in hotels for dinner dates and “flings”, says the source. “Whenever Kim is in New York, they hang out. They are very careful with not being seen together, Mark is seeing someone!”

The source also tells us that Kim and Mark are planning a rendezvous this super bowl weekend.

“Kim’s just in it for the sex”, says an insider close to Kardashian. “She has her hopes set on a bigger “star” than Sanchez. But for now, he will do.”

I want this to be true. I NEED this to be true. Sanchez and Kardashian would make the world’s most perfect couple. They’re both famous for no reason. They’re overrated in every way imaginable and they should both be contestants on my new game show “I’m a Celebrity?” that features people throwing pee balloons at fame whores.

Seriously, I can’t think of a more perfect couple. OJ Simpson and Tonya Harding? Maybe. But Sanchez and Kardashian? That’s the kind of pairing you can set a watch to. *winds timer to 15 minutes*

"Hey you, get over here... stay here... please?"

It has already been a pretty big week for the New York Jets, as they’ve been making personnel changes to repair the problems that have kept them from fulfilling head coach Rex Ryan’s wrongly predicted Super Bowl victories before each of the last three seasons. The first move came with the team kindly asking offensive coordinator Brian Schottenheimer to resign, and the second move came as the Jets hired former Miami Dolphins coach Tony Sparano to replace him. As a Dolphins fan, I can only offer a mild “Meh, we’ll see” to that latter move.

Now, though, some players are allegedly speaking out that the problem wasn’t completely in Schottenheimer’s inability to use his offensive weapons, as much as it’s the fault of weapon Numero Uno, QB Mark Sanchez.

“They don’t want to be truthful with him,” one prominent player said of the way that the organization has handled Sanchez. “They treat him like a baby instead of a man. He goes in a hole when someone tells him the truth.”

“So that should tell you everything,” the source said. “He just doesn’t have the mental toughness to be great… especially in New York.”

“They see the organization babying him,” said a Jets source. “They see him with a sense of entitlement. He’s been given all this and hasn’t done anything. They call him ‘San-chise.’ They make him the face of the organization. They gave him the captain tag. He’s not a captain. He should have never been a captain.”

(Via the New York Daily News)

Ah, my favorite type of sources – anonymous. There’s nothing quite like a player calling his teammate a coddled baby and refusing to go on record for it (also check out our cooler older brothers’ take at KSK). But the quotes are out there now for the whole world to see, and that’s all that matters. So how do these anonymous players think the team should handle it? Acquire Peyton Manning, of course.

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The New York Jets are currently clinging to the No. 6 seed in the AFC playoff hunt, and as much as it pains most people to admit – *points to self* – quarterback Mark Sanchez has been pretty good. And he needs to be playing well since both he and his coach, Rex Ryan, claimed that the Jets would win the Super Bowl this season.

But screw the stupid Super Bowl and cancel Christmas, because Sanchez just ruined everyone’s life.

Jets quarterback Mark Sanchez may be limbering up for his big game on Christmas Eve against the Giants, but he’s also been keeping time with curvaceous beauty Kate Upton.

Sanchez has been paying frequent late-night visits to the Victoria’s Secret and Sports Illustrated swimsuit model’s Flatiron apartment, we’re told. He’s been spotted several times at the voluptuous blonde’s pad since November, usually after games or before practices — sometimes as late as midnight — rolling up in his black chauffeur-driven Navigator.

(Via the New York Post)

A source tells the NY Post that Sanchez and Upton are denying that anything is going on between them – “They’re just friends.” Normally that’s a big bunch of BS that translates to “We’re actually doing it.” You know what, though? I might actually believe it. Because if I were making late night visits to Kate Upton’s flat, I’m pretty sure there’s not a skyline on this planet that wouldn’t be blocked by a billboard announcing that I was snogging Kate-freaking-Upton with a picture of the planet’s biggest sh*t-eating grin.

"Now let's go get a f*cking shame snack."

Tied at 5-3 heading into last night’s game, the New York Jets and the New England Patriots were both playing must-win football. The Jets needed to win to avenge their Week 5 loss to the Pats and get a leg up in the AFC East standings. The Pats needed to win to basically bury the Jets’ hopes, take the lead in the standings and essentially coast into the easiest 7-game stretch that any team will face for the rest of this season.

So what happened? The Pats spanked the Jets to the tune of 37-16 – and it was much worse than that score even indicates – and Rex Ryan found himself once again making excuses for empty promises and worthless guarantees. To be fair, his past guarantees have fallen short much later in the season, but this season was predicated with such boisterous claims that the man with pro sports’ most famous foot fetish now finds himself incredibly humbled.

“It looks doubtful right now,” Rex Ryan said when asked if his team still had a sliver of hope to win their division after a 37-16 loss to the Patriots. “What am I supposed to say?

“Maybe I should guarantee that we’re out of it — the last time I did that, we made the playoffs.”

(Via the New Jersey Star-Ledger)

To recap – Ryan, as he had done the two seasons before, guaranteed that his team would win the Super Bowl. And that’s fine, because he’s a brash head coach for a team that plays on the biggest stage in the game each week, so he should be confident. But he also claimed that Mark Sanchez, who also promised that the Jets would win the Super Bowl this year, was elite and just below Tom Brady and Payton Manning in terms of talent. You know, in the same company as Aaron Rodger and Drew Brees.

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"Sometimes a mommy and a daddy just don't love each other anymore, Painty."

With news that Peyton Manning’s neck is simply not healing as expected, it has become clearer than ever that the Indianapolis Colts may be without their legendary franchise quarterback for longer than just this season. We’re talking forever (forever ever). That’s why it’s disheartening to see Colts fans (like the fellas from last week’s banner image) enjoying this whole “Suck for Luck” idea so much. It’s not like Manning suited up for Week 1 and said, “Screw this” and closed a car door on his neck. And it’s not like he’s holding the franchise hostage either.

When Manning originally signed his 4-year extension, it was reported that he was essentially receiving $99 million in guaranteed cash. Of course, that also meant that he had to stay healthy to get that money. You see, that sly hick actually included a clause in his contract that lets the Colts off the hook if he’s unable to play. That’s pretty classy. Not like, you know, crossing Manning’s name out on your replica jersey and writing Luck over it.

But then, that’s the biggest problem I have with this whole thing. Colts fans are allowed to openly cheer for their team to lose because they need to replace Manning. Dolphins fans, though, are jerks and assh*les because they want a shot at their first franchise QB since Dan Marino. Oh well, that all took a step towards moot this week anyway.

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I’m man enough to admit when I’m wrong about something, so I had no problem making fun of myself yesterday while Ray Rice made me and the Pittsburgh Steelers look incredibly foolish. In fairness, my fantasy football rankings were doomed because I wrote them too early, since I would clearly never take Arian Foster and his hamstring with the first pick, but more importantly because Rice was going to benefit from the disappearances of Willis McGahee, now ruining Knowshon Moreno’s value in Denver, and Le’Ron McClain, who of course joined Jamaal Charles in Kansas City.

With that said, I’ve never claimed to be an expert. So I tip my cap to those of you who nabbed Rice in the Top 5 because it’s pretty clear that he, LeSean McCoy, and maybe even Matt Forte are poised to become the cream of the RB crop this year. That is, if every player in the league isn’t on the injured reserve by Week 4.

Then again, it’s also only Week 1, so I shouldn’t be crowning anyone. But if Rice and his 149 all-purpose yards and 2 TDs against the Pittsburgh Steelers don’t impress you, then I guess you are more foolish than I.