Ah Twitter, where athlete rants are born and subsequently apologized for. Today’s hot rant comes courtesy of New York Jets DB Antonio Cromartie, who bought into the rumors that his team could indeed be sending a draft pick to the Denver Broncos for Tim Tebow, and we should have listened to him, because he was right. The Jets indeed traded for Tim Tebow.

Cromartie actually made a valid point that his team should be focused on other pieces to help Mark Sanchez, who just signed an extension with the Jets after rumors that they were pursuing Peyton Manning. But he’s probably just upset that he has another name to remember. *rim shot*

As I said, valid points… if Tebow will be competing for the starting QB gig. But he won’t. He’ll be filling Brad Smith’s previous role as the utility guy for wildcat and gimmick plays, which would be especially potent now that Mr. Wildcat himself, Tony Sparano, is running the offense for the Jets. Hell, Cromartie and the Jets should be excited about the idea of Tebow as a QB/HB/TE/FB/WR option for Sanchez.

In the meantime, if you’re wondering where that massive shadow is coming from, it’s the New York sports media’s erection.

A few weeks ago, we were more than happy to help spread the rumor that New York Jets QB Mark Sanchez was having a secret sexual affair with E! cash machine Kim Kardashian, because this is a sports humor site and there’s nothing more hilarious than a site called Starberry Ice Cream delivering a scoop. *honks bicycle horn*

Well, apparently Kardashian has adamantly denied this hokey rumor, and she’s also sworn that she’s completely uninterested in Tim Tebow. Perhaps we had her all wrong and she really does want to start a bible group. Maybe we really should consider giving more people second chances instead of mocking them. Perhaps Kardashian turning a page is something that we can actually learn from.

Nah, she’s still full of it.

Kim Kardashian isn’t secretly dating Mark Sanchez … she’s not interested in Tim Tebow — in fact, sources tell TMZ, the reality star is completely DONE with football players in general … all thanks to Reggie Bush.

Sources close to Kim tell us, her break-up with Bush in 2010 was so rough … she has lost her taste for NFL players entirely — and has no plans to play the field in the near future.

(Via TMZ)

How cool would it be if we found out that the sources close to Kim were actually two deformed goblin Kardashian siblings that have been locked in a basement for two decades, as they plot their chance to escape and reveal that Khloe’s father is really Andre the Giant? A boy can dream.

As for the football player thing, I’d believe it if we weren’t talking about a woman who is addicted to dating athletes like I’m addicted to sending Vanessa Hudgens my finger nail clippings. The timing on this random piece of info is a just a tad peculiar, especially since Bush has been out swagging it up on Miami Beach.

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The best part of this is the “this isn’t real, someone is moving the baby’s chin” “of course it’s fake but it’s still a funny movie!” exchange in the comments. Second best part is that a viral video has been born of a guy hitting his baby in the throat.

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Links

Nike Basketball’s Black History Month Collection - If someone asks you, “why isn’t there a white history month?”, defriend and/or strike that person with your fist. [Smoking Section]

Six GIFs Of Jeremy Lin, The Most Surprisingly Exciting Player In The NBA Right Now - Why isn’t there an Asian history month?? (But no, seriously, this guy might be my new favorite player.) [Buzzfeed]

Girl At Giants Super Bowl Parade Can’t Wait to See Mark Sanchez - Is it Kim Kardashian? Because if it is, nobody correct her. [Brobible]

Here’s A Video Montage Of People Unplugging The TV At Crucial Points During The Super Bowl - … followed by “sh*t kids crying kids being taped by their parents because the team they like lost and love and dignity no longer exist say”! [UPROXX]

12 Famous People You Didn’t Know Were in Movies You’ve Seen - I want to know what person remembers Mumford but doesn’t remember that Zooey Deschanel is in it. How is there another circumstance for having seen Mumford? [Pajiba]

‘Can You Draw CatDog Pooping?’: 13 Fascinating Non-Celebrity Reddit AMAs - This is cool and all, but for some reason I think it’d be weirder to watch Doug poop than CatDog. And Moose from ‘You Can’t Do That On Television’. [UPROXX]

Television Sitcoms’ 10 Best Signature Dance Moves - We live in a sad, sad world where The Carlton ranks behind something from ‘Scrubs’. I may never have children. [Warming Glow]

The New Trailer For The Amazing Spider-Man Is Right Here And It Is Awesome - I can’t for the reboot in three years where Aunt May is like 35 years old and Eddie Brock is a gay Latina teen. Reboot! Reboot! [Gamma Squad]

This Week In Posters - Honestly? I don’t think I’ve liked a movie poster in years. The last one I bought was Let The Right One In. [Film Drunk]

The Maria Menounos Super Bowl Bikini Bet: A Retrospective - In case you missed it, please take a look at yesterday’s best torso. Mario Lopez was there! [With Leather]

Best Weatherman FAILS - Capital letters! If there’s one thing the Internet can agree on, it’s weather graphics that look like a penis. [HuffPost Comedy]

Awards Season GIFs: Get To Know The People Behind Your Favorite Internet Memes - An interview with strangers who made gifs. We’re through the looking glass, people. I wish the interview was just “So how do you know when to make gifs?” “I don’t know, I guess when I see something funny.” [Moviefone]

Forget that I’m a Miami Dolphins fan and have a genetic predisposition to hating the New York Jets. Forget that I think that Kim Kardashian is the scourge of this Earth and the first horseman of the pop culture apocalypse. When “news” leaks of Mark Sanchez and Kardashian “secretly dating”, though, it’s like my perfect storm arrived and it’s raining orgasmic smiles.

The website Starberry Ice Cream, which I had never heard of until a friend sent me an email with the subject “Prepare to scream with joy” this morning, claims to have inside sources that know that Sanchez and Kardashian are having a sexual affair. This is important for one reason and one reason only: Sanchez was previously rumored to be dating Kate Upton and if he’s sleeping with Kardashian then he is cheating on Upton, and if that’s true… death penalty.

“Kim and Mark like to meet in hotels for dinner dates and “flings”, says the source. “Whenever Kim is in New York, they hang out. They are very careful with not being seen together, Mark is seeing someone!”

The source also tells us that Kim and Mark are planning a rendezvous this super bowl weekend.

“Kim’s just in it for the sex”, says an insider close to Kardashian. “She has her hopes set on a bigger “star” than Sanchez. But for now, he will do.”

I want this to be true. I NEED this to be true. Sanchez and Kardashian would make the world’s most perfect couple. They’re both famous for no reason. They’re overrated in every way imaginable and they should both be contestants on my new game show “I’m a Celebrity?” that features people throwing pee balloons at fame whores.

Seriously, I can’t think of a more perfect couple. OJ Simpson and Tonya Harding? Maybe. But Sanchez and Kardashian? That’s the kind of pairing you can set a watch to. *winds timer to 15 minutes*

"Hey you, get over here... stay here... please?"

It has already been a pretty big week for the New York Jets, as they’ve been making personnel changes to repair the problems that have kept them from fulfilling head coach Rex Ryan’s wrongly predicted Super Bowl victories before each of the last three seasons. The first move came with the team kindly asking offensive coordinator Brian Schottenheimer to resign, and the second move came as the Jets hired former Miami Dolphins coach Tony Sparano to replace him. As a Dolphins fan, I can only offer a mild “Meh, we’ll see” to that latter move.

Now, though, some players are allegedly speaking out that the problem wasn’t completely in Schottenheimer’s inability to use his offensive weapons, as much as it’s the fault of weapon Numero Uno, QB Mark Sanchez.

“They don’t want to be truthful with him,” one prominent player said of the way that the organization has handled Sanchez. “They treat him like a baby instead of a man. He goes in a hole when someone tells him the truth.”

“So that should tell you everything,” the source said. “He just doesn’t have the mental toughness to be great… especially in New York.”

“They see the organization babying him,” said a Jets source. “They see him with a sense of entitlement. He’s been given all this and hasn’t done anything. They call him ‘San-chise.’ They make him the face of the organization. They gave him the captain tag. He’s not a captain. He should have never been a captain.”

(Via the New York Daily News)

Ah, my favorite type of sources – anonymous. There’s nothing quite like a player calling his teammate a coddled baby and refusing to go on record for it (also check out our cooler older brothers’ take at KSK). But the quotes are out there now for the whole world to see, and that’s all that matters. So how do these anonymous players think the team should handle it? Acquire Peyton Manning, of course.

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The New York Jets are currently clinging to the No. 6 seed in the AFC playoff hunt, and as much as it pains most people to admit – *points to self* – quarterback Mark Sanchez has been pretty good. And he needs to be playing well since both he and his coach, Rex Ryan, claimed that the Jets would win the Super Bowl this season.

But screw the stupid Super Bowl and cancel Christmas, because Sanchez just ruined everyone’s life.

Jets quarterback Mark Sanchez may be limbering up for his big game on Christmas Eve against the Giants, but he’s also been keeping time with curvaceous beauty Kate Upton.

Sanchez has been paying frequent late-night visits to the Victoria’s Secret and Sports Illustrated swimsuit model’s Flatiron apartment, we’re told. He’s been spotted several times at the voluptuous blonde’s pad since November, usually after games or before practices — sometimes as late as midnight — rolling up in his black chauffeur-driven Navigator.

(Via the New York Post)

A source tells the NY Post that Sanchez and Upton are denying that anything is going on between them – “They’re just friends.” Normally that’s a big bunch of BS that translates to “We’re actually doing it.” You know what, though? I might actually believe it. Because if I were making late night visits to Kate Upton’s flat, I’m pretty sure there’s not a skyline on this planet that wouldn’t be blocked by a billboard announcing that I was snogging Kate-freaking-Upton with a picture of the planet’s biggest sh*t-eating grin.