Or, “AAAAH PAT KELLY”.

What you’re looking at is New York Jets center Nick Mangold appearing on a special celebrity edition of ‘Wax On, Wax Off’, wherein he lets persons from ‘Late Night with Jimmy Fallon’ rip the hair from his enormous baby-body as punishment for someone else’s incorrect trivia answers. Unfortunately for Nick, he’s got one of the guys from Coheed and Cambria (not really) answering questions about Lithuanian Prime Ministers so his poor chest ends up looking like a Man-o-Lantern.

Video is below, but it may not be suitable for the faint of heart or fuzzy of boob.

Jimmy Fallon, if you’re reading this, I’ve got a pitch for you: We bring on Mark Sanchez for a ‘Wax On, Wax Off’ segment, but instead of asking trivia questions we just scream DID YOU SLEEP WITH KATE UPTON at him and rip out his chest hair no matter what he says.

Alternate pitch: We bring on Tim Tebow and ask him trivia questions about the less popular parts of the Bible.

[h/t to Rant Sports]

If you thought that we’d even go one day without someone creating the story that Tim Tebow wants to immediately become the New York Jets starting quarterback, then you just don’t know the New York sports media, Jack. The New York Daily News posted an article early this morning claiming that sources said that Tebow plans to be the Jets’ starter. Thank you, New York sports media, your fabricated scandals never cease to humor us.

But this could end up being a stressful venture for Tebow, as he has stated that he considers Mark Sanchez a friend, and accusations that he’s staging some sort of coup could disturb the chemistry that Tebow would be seeking to build immediately. Thankfully, New York’s finest are here to help, as the girls at Rick’s Cabaret have offered to give Tebow his presumably first lap dance ever, free of charge.

“I’m thrilled for the Jets and want to extend an extra special welcome to Tim Tebow,” said Rick’s Cabaret Girl Beverly, a busty blonde beauty. “I’ve heard that he doesn’t go to strip clubs, but I will be happy to give him his first lap dance. I promise he will like it. It would be my honor.”

Rick’s Cabaret Girl Sydney, a statuesque blonde stunner, did not think that Jets ownership made the right move. She proclaimed, “They got him just so they can sell Tebow tee shirts and Tebow merchandise. The Jets need football players not haberdashers.”

“Tebow is cute, I like him,” said Rick’s Cabaret Girl Alex, a buxom brunette. “But Mark Sanchez is sexier,” she added.

Rick’s Cabaret Girl Trina, a “double d” knockout, said, “A lot of the girls here love the Jets because they are good guys, but I’m over them. The Jets are good at getting headlines, the other New York team wins Super Bowls!” (Via Press Release)

I’ve never been to New York City, unless you count driving through it on a road trip, but for all the negative things that you hear about the city and its people, I can’t help but smile after such a feel-good story like this one.

Back in December, we brought you the horrifying news that 2011 With Leather Celebrity Sports Fan of the Year and Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue cover model Kate Upton was rumored to be dating New York Jets quarterback Mark Sanchez. And it all made sense – Upton’s sister works for the Jets so she gets Kate free tickets to games and Sanchez can’t get enough of teenage girls.

Of course, other rumors have come and gone – Sanchez and Kim Kardashian, Upton and Tim Tebow, Sanchez and Kirstie Alley, Upton and me. For the sake of disclosure, I may have made two of those up right now. However, this 4-month old rumor was seemingly laid to rest, but that didn’t stop Ellen DeGeneres from digging up the corpse on her show yesterday.

Meanwhile, Upton is staying coy over a reported romance with American football player Mark Sanchez.

When questioned about the New York Jets player on the Ellen DeGeneres Show, she conceded he was ‘cute’.

She said: ‘Yeah, he is cute. I’ve met him. My sister works for the Jets. And she’s been working there for four years. So, I went to all the games.

‘I met him briefly.’ (Via the Daily Mail)

Obviously we can all smell the bullsh*t a mile away, as if it’s a delightful lilac and cinnamon fragrance, or what I imagine Upton’s hair smells like when she’s asleep. But I appreciate With Leather’s First Lady for carrying on this discretion for the sake of us dorks.

Oh by the way, did you know that Upton is the new face of Skullcandy earphones? It’s true, and she helped advertise them in the best way possible – by wearing very little.

(Images via Skullcandy.)

Ah Twitter, where athlete rants are born and subsequently apologized for. Today’s hot rant comes courtesy of New York Jets DB Antonio Cromartie, who bought into the rumors that his team could indeed be sending a draft pick to the Denver Broncos for Tim Tebow, and we should have listened to him, because he was right. The Jets indeed traded for Tim Tebow.

Cromartie actually made a valid point that his team should be focused on other pieces to help Mark Sanchez, who just signed an extension with the Jets after rumors that they were pursuing Peyton Manning. But he’s probably just upset that he has another name to remember. *rim shot*

As I said, valid points… if Tebow will be competing for the starting QB gig. But he won’t. He’ll be filling Brad Smith’s previous role as the utility guy for wildcat and gimmick plays, which would be especially potent now that Mr. Wildcat himself, Tony Sparano, is running the offense for the Jets. Hell, Cromartie and the Jets should be excited about the idea of Tebow as a QB/HB/TE/FB/WR option for Sanchez.

In the meantime, if you’re wondering where that massive shadow is coming from, it’s the New York sports media’s erection.

A few weeks ago, we were more than happy to help spread the rumor that New York Jets QB Mark Sanchez was having a secret sexual affair with E! cash machine Kim Kardashian, because this is a sports humor site and there’s nothing more hilarious than a site called Starberry Ice Cream delivering a scoop. *honks bicycle horn*

Well, apparently Kardashian has adamantly denied this hokey rumor, and she’s also sworn that she’s completely uninterested in Tim Tebow. Perhaps we had her all wrong and she really does want to start a bible group. Maybe we really should consider giving more people second chances instead of mocking them. Perhaps Kardashian turning a page is something that we can actually learn from.

Nah, she’s still full of it.

Kim Kardashian isn’t secretly dating Mark Sanchez … she’s not interested in Tim Tebow — in fact, sources tell TMZ, the reality star is completely DONE with football players in general … all thanks to Reggie Bush.

Sources close to Kim tell us, her break-up with Bush in 2010 was so rough … she has lost her taste for NFL players entirely — and has no plans to play the field in the near future.

(Via TMZ)

How cool would it be if we found out that the sources close to Kim were actually two deformed goblin Kardashian siblings that have been locked in a basement for two decades, as they plot their chance to escape and reveal that Khloe’s father is really Andre the Giant? A boy can dream.

As for the football player thing, I’d believe it if we weren’t talking about a woman who is addicted to dating athletes like I’m addicted to sending Vanessa Hudgens my finger nail clippings. The timing on this random piece of info is a just a tad peculiar, especially since Bush has been out swagging it up on Miami Beach.

That dog. How could a wholesome gal like Kim ever trust him again?

[Banner via Reuters, Reggie pic via Terez Owens.]

The best part of this is the “this isn’t real, someone is moving the baby’s chin” “of course it’s fake but it’s still a funny movie!” exchange in the comments. Second best part is that a viral video has been born of a guy hitting his baby in the throat.

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Links

Nike Basketball’s Black History Month Collection - If someone asks you, “why isn’t there a white history month?”, defriend and/or strike that person with your fist. [Smoking Section]

Six GIFs Of Jeremy Lin, The Most Surprisingly Exciting Player In The NBA Right Now - Why isn’t there an Asian history month?? (But no, seriously, this guy might be my new favorite player.) [Buzzfeed]

Girl At Giants Super Bowl Parade Can’t Wait to See Mark Sanchez - Is it Kim Kardashian? Because if it is, nobody correct her. [Brobible]

Here’s A Video Montage Of People Unplugging The TV At Crucial Points During The Super Bowl - … followed by “sh*t kids crying kids being taped by their parents because the team they like lost and love and dignity no longer exist say”! [UPROXX]

12 Famous People You Didn’t Know Were in Movies You’ve Seen - I want to know what person remembers Mumford but doesn’t remember that Zooey Deschanel is in it. How is there another circumstance for having seen Mumford? [Pajiba]

‘Can You Draw CatDog Pooping?’: 13 Fascinating Non-Celebrity Reddit AMAs - This is cool and all, but for some reason I think it’d be weirder to watch Doug poop than CatDog. And Moose from ‘You Can’t Do That On Television’. [UPROXX]

Television Sitcoms’ 10 Best Signature Dance Moves - We live in a sad, sad world where The Carlton ranks behind something from ‘Scrubs’. I may never have children. [Warming Glow]

The New Trailer For The Amazing Spider-Man Is Right Here And It Is Awesome - I can’t for the reboot in three years where Aunt May is like 35 years old and Eddie Brock is a gay Latina teen. Reboot! Reboot! [Gamma Squad]

This Week In Posters - Honestly? I don’t think I’ve liked a movie poster in years. The last one I bought was Let The Right One In. [Film Drunk]

The Maria Menounos Super Bowl Bikini Bet: A Retrospective - In case you missed it, please take a look at yesterday’s best torso. Mario Lopez was there! [With Leather]

Best Weatherman FAILS - Capital letters! If there’s one thing the Internet can agree on, it’s weather graphics that look like a penis. [HuffPost Comedy]

Awards Season GIFs: Get To Know The People Behind Your Favorite Internet Memes - An interview with strangers who made gifs. We’re through the looking glass, people. I wish the interview was just “So how do you know when to make gifs?” “I don’t know, I guess when I see something funny.” [Moviefone]

Forget that I’m a Miami Dolphins fan and have a genetic predisposition to hating the New York Jets. Forget that I think that Kim Kardashian is the scourge of this Earth and the first horseman of the pop culture apocalypse. When “news” leaks of Mark Sanchez and Kardashian “secretly dating”, though, it’s like my perfect storm arrived and it’s raining orgasmic smiles.

The website Starberry Ice Cream, which I had never heard of until a friend sent me an email with the subject “Prepare to scream with joy” this morning, claims to have inside sources that know that Sanchez and Kardashian are having a sexual affair. This is important for one reason and one reason only: Sanchez was previously rumored to be dating Kate Upton and if he’s sleeping with Kardashian then he is cheating on Upton, and if that’s true… death penalty.

“Kim and Mark like to meet in hotels for dinner dates and “flings”, says the source. “Whenever Kim is in New York, they hang out. They are very careful with not being seen together, Mark is seeing someone!”

The source also tells us that Kim and Mark are planning a rendezvous this super bowl weekend.

“Kim’s just in it for the sex”, says an insider close to Kardashian. “She has her hopes set on a bigger “star” than Sanchez. But for now, he will do.”

I want this to be true. I NEED this to be true. Sanchez and Kardashian would make the world’s most perfect couple. They’re both famous for no reason. They’re overrated in every way imaginable and they should both be contestants on my new game show “I’m a Celebrity?” that features people throwing pee balloons at fame whores.

Seriously, I can’t think of a more perfect couple. OJ Simpson and Tonya Harding? Maybe. But Sanchez and Kardashian? That’s the kind of pairing you can set a watch to. *winds timer to 15 minutes*

"Hey you, get over here... stay here... please?"

It has already been a pretty big week for the New York Jets, as they’ve been making personnel changes to repair the problems that have kept them from fulfilling head coach Rex Ryan’s wrongly predicted Super Bowl victories before each of the last three seasons. The first move came with the team kindly asking offensive coordinator Brian Schottenheimer to resign, and the second move came as the Jets hired former Miami Dolphins coach Tony Sparano to replace him. As a Dolphins fan, I can only offer a mild “Meh, we’ll see” to that latter move.

Now, though, some players are allegedly speaking out that the problem wasn’t completely in Schottenheimer’s inability to use his offensive weapons, as much as it’s the fault of weapon Numero Uno, QB Mark Sanchez.

“They don’t want to be truthful with him,” one prominent player said of the way that the organization has handled Sanchez. “They treat him like a baby instead of a man. He goes in a hole when someone tells him the truth.”

“So that should tell you everything,” the source said. “He just doesn’t have the mental toughness to be great… especially in New York.”

“They see the organization babying him,” said a Jets source. “They see him with a sense of entitlement. He’s been given all this and hasn’t done anything. They call him ‘San-chise.’ They make him the face of the organization. They gave him the captain tag. He’s not a captain. He should have never been a captain.”

(Via the New York Daily News)

Ah, my favorite type of sources – anonymous. There’s nothing quite like a player calling his teammate a coddled baby and refusing to go on record for it (also check out our cooler older brothers’ take at KSK). But the quotes are out there now for the whole world to see, and that’s all that matters. So how do these anonymous players think the team should handle it? Acquire Peyton Manning, of course.

“We already have his coach — Tom Moore,” one well-respected player said. “Plus, he’s a field general and will get everyone lined up. He will get his playmakers the ball. We can win a Super Bowl with Peyton.”

So can a lot of teams. In fact, if he’s healthy, the Indianapolis Colts can win a Super Bowl with him, too, which I assume is their plan, as opposed to trading him so they can completely start over with Andrew Luck, whom they’ll probably draft with the top pick in April. Luck or not, I can’t see a situation in which Jim Irsay trades a healthy Manning – or lets him walk – to a team in his own conference that is arguably a QB away from being a Super Bowl champion. Granted, nobody can predict what a free spirit like Irsay might do, as evidenced by his canning of Bill Polian, but I assume that as long as Manning can throw a ball, he’ll be doing so in a Colts jersey.

But that’s the fun of the Jets and the New York sports media. It doesn’t have to make sense, or even be remotely possible. It just has to be a convenient thought that looks good on paper. Much like a Super Bowl prediction.

The New York Jets are currently clinging to the No. 6 seed in the AFC playoff hunt, and as much as it pains most people to admit – *points to self* – quarterback Mark Sanchez has been pretty good. And he needs to be playing well since both he and his coach, Rex Ryan, claimed that the Jets would win the Super Bowl this season.

But screw the stupid Super Bowl and cancel Christmas, because Sanchez just ruined everyone’s life.

Jets quarterback Mark Sanchez may be limbering up for his big game on Christmas Eve against the Giants, but he’s also been keeping time with curvaceous beauty Kate Upton.

Sanchez has been paying frequent late-night visits to the Victoria’s Secret and Sports Illustrated swimsuit model’s Flatiron apartment, we’re told. He’s been spotted several times at the voluptuous blonde’s pad since November, usually after games or before practices — sometimes as late as midnight — rolling up in his black chauffeur-driven Navigator.

(Via the New York Post)

A source tells the NY Post that Sanchez and Upton are denying that anything is going on between them – “They’re just friends.” Normally that’s a big bunch of BS that translates to “We’re actually doing it.” You know what, though? I might actually believe it. Because if I were making late night visits to Kate Upton’s flat, I’m pretty sure there’s not a skyline on this planet that wouldn’t be blocked by a billboard announcing that I was snogging Kate-freaking-Upton with a picture of the planet’s biggest sh*t-eating grin.

"Now let's go get a f*cking shame snack."

Tied at 5-3 heading into last night’s game, the New York Jets and the New England Patriots were both playing must-win football. The Jets needed to win to avenge their Week 5 loss to the Pats and get a leg up in the AFC East standings. The Pats needed to win to basically bury the Jets’ hopes, take the lead in the standings and essentially coast into the easiest 7-game stretch that any team will face for the rest of this season.

So what happened? The Pats spanked the Jets to the tune of 37-16 – and it was much worse than that score even indicates – and Rex Ryan found himself once again making excuses for empty promises and worthless guarantees. To be fair, his past guarantees have fallen short much later in the season, but this season was predicated with such boisterous claims that the man with pro sports’ most famous foot fetish now finds himself incredibly humbled.

“It looks doubtful right now,” Rex Ryan said when asked if his team still had a sliver of hope to win their division after a 37-16 loss to the Patriots. “What am I supposed to say?

“Maybe I should guarantee that we’re out of it — the last time I did that, we made the playoffs.”

(Via the New Jersey Star-Ledger)

To recap – Ryan, as he had done the two seasons before, guaranteed that his team would win the Super Bowl. And that’s fine, because he’s a brash head coach for a team that plays on the biggest stage in the game each week, so he should be confident. But he also claimed that Mark Sanchez, who also promised that the Jets would win the Super Bowl this year, was elite and just below Tom Brady and Payton Manning in terms of talent. You know, in the same company as Aaron Rodger and Drew Brees.

So of course he was a little grumpy that his elite QB pulled off “the stupidest thing in football history” by calling a timeout and leaving the Patriots time to score, and then throwing a back-breaking interception for a touchdown late in the game. Poor Rex. Somebody needs a big, old hug.

“You’re not going to beat New England — you’re not going to beat many teams — when you make as many mistakes as we made,” Ryan said. “I apologize to our fans. Our fans were ready to go, just like I thought we were.”

As someone who pulls this “Woe is me, I have been humbled and deserve not your pity” routine in fantasy football religiously, I ain’t buying the sincerity, and I’m sure as hell not letting Ryan off the hook this easily. Men who make bold, obnoxious claims despite having done nothing to deserve the arrogance portrayed deserved to be shamed and flogged in the public square.

However, if Ryan is really this upset, I offer this video of a parakeet riding a turtle to help cheer him and our Jets friends up.