Still riding the high of winning the NBA Championship, Dallas Mavericks owner Mark Cuban took his trash out this morning and when he opened the lid a TMZ reporter popped out and asked him if he’d like to buy the Los Angeles Dodgers. At least that’s how I imagine it happened. And sure enough, Cuban said he’s definitely interested in purchasing the troubled franchise, just like he was interested in buying the troubled Chicago Cubs and the troubled Texas Rangers.

But as much as Cuban blabbers about wanting to purchase another professional sports franchise, preferably in Major League Baseball, the chances are very slim that he’s going to do so, especially a team like the Dodgers. Because, you see, Cuban is a smart man unlike Frank McCourt, who is – how should I put it? – a flaming bag of dead poop monkey brains.

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Contained in this video:

1. The Dallas Mavericks on the “Late Show with David Letterman” reading a top-10 list about the best parts of winning an NBA Championship.

2. David Letterman with his head down, solemnly reading his script like he’d rather somewhere cleaning the chin grease out of Jay Leno’s 1922 LaFayette. (Also, Dave trying to remember names of basketball teams)

3. Dallas Mavericks players who speak English as a second language trying to deliver wordy punchlines from the writers of “Late Show with David Letterman”.

4. A funny appearance from Caron Butler, who is still my favorite Dallas Maverick because of how good I am with him in NBA Jam.

5. Mark Cuban’s impossibly straight upper row of teeth

Not contained in this video:

1. Any discussion about Jason Terry getting traded to Which Wich? for a large Pepperoni Pizzawich© and a bag of Lay’s potato chips. They could’ve at least included that pimply-faced kid who hands me a water cup and stands forlornly behind his tip jar. Since when did Nike make Which Wich basketball jerseys, and where can I order one?

2. Randy Orton running in at any point and RKO’ing Mark Cuban, which is the only time I’ve ever notably enjoyed Mark Cuban.

3. Conan O’Brien (just saying)

4. DeShawn Stevenson. “Wandering around drunk in an apartment complex while pondering funny new dick t-shirts” would’ve been a great number eleven.

Stories about Dallas Mavericks owner Mark Cuban’s post-championship celebrations just get better and better. As his players – and apparently some of the Miami Heat players – partied until the sun came up at Miami’s Club Liv, Cuban purchased a bottle of champagne for $90,000. That’s right, one bottle of champagne. Granted, it was almost 4-feet tall, but still. That’s like 20,000-times the price of the champagne that I drink when I celebrate getting more than one comment on a blog post. But Cuban wasn’t just done at $90,000 – and the supposed 100-250 bottles of booze he shelled out a rumored $500,000 for – as he tipped an additional $20,000 for the champagne. Pardon me if I’m over-excited about this, but I once received a dollar tip on $40, so a boy can dream.

I wanted to get the real scoop on Cuban’s exploits after I heard that he’s taking the Larry O’Brien Trophy on wild, extravagant adventures across the globe, and possibly even time and space. I mean, that can’t be real, can it? CAN IT? See for yourself.

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Why, they have all attended the NBA Finals, of course! Originally, this post was titled, “Hey, Did Kelly Clarkson Get Hot Again?” but then I saw a story in the Dallas Voice about the Westboro Baptist protesting the NBA Finals in Dallas because the NBA had the nerve to fine Kobe Bryant and Joakim Noah for using “f*ggot” as an insult in two different games this season, and I wanted to point out that the WBC seriously sucks.

From the WBC’s batsh*t crazy ramblings press release:

WBC will picket the NBA game between the Dallas Mavericks and the Miami Heat to warn this nation that they need to tear down their idols and worship only the true God, Jesus Christ. The people of Doomed america set up these spoiled, rebellious basketball players and other celebrities as little gods that they emulate then curse the real God, Jesus Christ because He does not supprt their vile sins.

Of course I didn’t edit that for them, they’ll learn to spell when they get to the third grade. I’m mostly upset that their presence briefly took my attention away from the lack of star power at this year’s Finals. Granted Justin Bieber and Lil Wayne pack some major celeb cred, but ABC hasn’t even been filling the stands with the cast of Rookie Blue. The least they could do is put Sofia Vergara and Julie Bowen courtside and maybe have them pudding wrestle Elisha Cuthbert. It’s called marketing, damn it.

Regardless, there have been a few famous faces in the crowd, so we should enjoy what we have.

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It seems fitting that Mark Cuban, a famous guy who never shuts his mouth, would talk to Charlie Sheen, a man who is rapidly reaching that stage as the random-ass tweets keep popping out of his Twitter account. I’m sure these two creative minds will definitely come up with something coherent that doesn’t consist of any ranting at all.

Mark Cuban, the outspoken billionaire owner of the NBA’s Dallas Mavericks, and controversial actor Charlie Sheen could soon be business partners.

Cuban confirmed Sunday evening that he’s had several conversations with Sheen recently about developing programming for HDNet, the cable network Cuban owns.

“You’ve got somebody that everybody has a whole lot of interest in who’s doing some interesting things, to say the least, and we always look for interesting programming by featuring interesting people doing interesting things,” Cuban said before the Mavericks’ game against the Memphis Grizzlies. “I reached out and we’ve had some conversations, and we’re going to work on doing some things.” -ESPN.

Putting Sheen in charge of programming could be a huge disaster or… a huge disaster. I admit, I’d probably watch some kind of reality show about Sheen for the first couple times, but I feel like it would get old. He makes Brian Wilson seem sensible.

Seriously, is the Sheen stuff getting old yet to anyone? I’m just taking an informal poll about it. Right now, I see his quotes as just giving motivation to a bunch of douches and justifying their actions. I don’t want to get on my high horse, since I’m susceptible to nosebleeds, but some drug-addled, one-dimensional actor doesn’t really need this big of a microphone to speak with. Feel free to throw tiger blood at me in the comments.

Here’s a video of the Dallas Mavericks singing “Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer,” the official redneck carol of the Christmas season. I personally can’t figure out what Dirk Nowitzki is so embarrassed about. It’s not like he has any shame. He’s German.

Kinda surprised that Mavericks owner Mark Cuban didn’t make it into the mix here. I guess he’s busy fixing the BCS. If he was so hellbent on fairness, the least we could have had is a TCU cameo at the end.

Video after the jump. Read the rest of this entry »