Last we checked in on Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Model and former NFL spokesperson Marisa Miller, she was doing that thing that attractive female celebrities do when they’re pregnant, when they pose nude to show off their huge stomachs because being a creator of life is the most beautiful thing in the world. It’s also a great way to remind people in this era of short attention spans that you are still one of the most gorgeous women on the planet, in case all the dudes and bros had moved on to greener, younger pastures.

Well, forget Miller no more, friends, because she gave birth to her first child over the weekend, and she and her husband, whose name I will never look up because he has a faux hawk, named their son Gavin Lee Guess. Before you mock them, that is significantly better than the first idea, Edward Hardy True Religion.

Son Gavin Lee Guess was born in Santa Cruz, Calif. at 7:58 p.m., weighing in at 8 lbs., 10 oz. and measuring 22¼ inches long.

“I’m completely overjoyed by the birth of our son. I feel so blessed to be a mom and am so excited to experience this next part of life,” the model, 34, tells PEOPLE.

“Gaining weight is part of charting your progress,” the actress, who will next star opposite Ryan Reynolds in R.I.P.D., explained. “Yes, I was seeing numbers I had never seen before, but I let go of that because I had a new goal and focus.” (Via People)

Now this is where I would normally go off on a little rant about how Hollywood has this tired tendency of turning hot models into actresses because pervs like me will naturally and gladly shell out $12 to go see that film with the hopes that we might see some boobies. And I even mentioned this in my award-winning Worst Movies of 2012 feature on FilmDrunk last week, using Brooklyn Decker in Battleship as my example.

But I’m not going to do that here, because did you see Decker on The League last week? She was phenomenal! She played possibly the best c*nt in the history of TV on a show that is just overflowing with horrible people. Seriously, she should win an Emmy for the Best Bitch in a Cameo Performance, especially with how well she pulled off the upper decker line. Amazing television right there.

Anywho, after the jump, I have an exclusive first picture of Miller’s new baby boy.

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"Oh hey, I didn't see you there. I'm pregnant."

It’s been a while since we’ve heard from former NFL spokesperson and Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Model Marisa Miller, because she decided to get pregnant and practically vanish into thin air. At one point I was even starting to wonder if we’d ever hear from her again, because you know how some girls get when they become moms and all they want to do is spend their days posting pictures of their kids on Facebook. Hell, Miller never even fulfilled her obligation as a famous woman with her own “Here’s me naked and pregnant because EDGY!” magazine cover.

That is, until now. Miller did the whole naked pregnant thing that Demi Moore made famous 40 or 50 years ago for the latest issue of Allure magazine, and according to her coinciding interview, she’s all preggers and proud.

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I forget what company it is, but there’s been a new commercial with Marisa Miller airing lately, and it makes me sad because she’s all pregnant now. But the commercial was filmed either before she was pregnant or early on because she doesn’t have a bump, and it’s like, why’d she have to go and get all pregnant on us? How selfish can one woman be?

But it’s like my dad always says: “Sure, a woman might be pregnant and that could ruin her appeal, but in nine months that kid’ll be out and she’ll have bigger cans.” My dad is a poet, naturally.

Also, Marisa is a San Francisco Giants fan and she’s probably bummed right now that the St. Louis Cardinals are up 3-1 in the NLCS. Oh the fun we could have had if she had answered all of my letters about wanting to marry her.

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There's no more laying on her stomach in the near future.

One of the absolute silliest debates that I’ve ever heard is the blogger bro vs. blogger bro Civil War of Kate Upton vs. Marisa Miller. For me that’s like arguing air vs. water, because we need both to live, damn it. Would you argue your mother against your father? Lobster Dog vs. Douche Dog? Channing Tatum vs. Chet Haze? No! You wouldn’t argue any of these things, because they are all equally important to us.

Now, while so many people have fought this worthless fight, it appears that it has all been for naught. According to US Weekly, Miller has apparently thrown her whole career away.

The supermodel, 33, and her husband, record producer Griffin Guess, 32, are expecting their first child, her rep confirms to Us Weekly. Miller is due late fall.

That is, unless you’re into pregnant women, in which case Upton loses.

If you’re unfamiliar with Guess, he looks like this, so there’s hope for so many of us yet. But we offer our congrats to the happy couple on this new addition to their family with this tribute to page views the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Model and NFL spokesperson who stole our hearts so many, many times.

(For best viewing results, please open this song in another window.)

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There’s obviously not going to be a lot of optimism in Chicago this season, as least for the North Siders, as the Chicago Cubs have entered yet another rebuilding season with new manager Dale Sveum, general manager Jed Hoyer and president Theo Epstein. But the beauty of baseball is that even in rebuilding years, miracles can happen, and the Cubs could be that Cinderella team that comes from nowhere this year to surprise us all. That’s some good optimism right there.

Unfortunately, not a lot of people share it. As you can see in the banner image, CLTV took a fan poll yesterday to gauge optimism among the Cubby faithful and at least at one point things weren’t looking so hot. But don’t worry, polls are stupid and there are some positive people out there still.

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Last month, the NFL announced that it had hired model and Greek goddess of drooling, Marisa Miller, to be its new spokesperson. And we asked, “For what?” To which the NFL people replied, “Whatever the hell we feel like. Do we really need a reason to send Marisa Miller places and have her promote our product?” In summary, it was probably the smartest marketing idea in the history of everything. Miller’s first big gig was looking incredibly attractive during the Chicago Bears victory over the Tampa Bay Buccaneers in London, and it worked because now London wants a NFL franchise full-time. Start packing, Bills.

Apparently it’s time for Step 2 in the Miller Initiative, as the NFL recently recorded a video of the model promoting all sorts of team gear in a photoshoot. And it worked, because I now own season tickets for 31 teams. Damn you, Green Bay Packers and your 85-year waiting list.

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