EX-MARINE FIGHTS LION WITH CHAINSAW!

Written by Matt / 07.18.09

And now for a story from the wild world of outdoors living: a former Marine camping in Wyoming defended his wife and two young children from a mountain lion attack… WITH A CHAINSAW!  Read this passage while I play air guitar:

Dustin Britton, a 32-year-old mechanic and ex-Marine [Ed Note: we prefer the term "former Marine"] from Windsor, Colo., said he was alone cutting firewood about 100 feet from his campsite in the Shoshone National Forest when he saw the lion staring at him from some bushes.

Britton revved his 18-inch chain saw and tried to back away. But the 100-pound lion followed. As the animal pounced, the 6-foot-tall, 170-pound Britton raised his saw and met it head-on – a collision he said felt like a grown man running right into him. “It batted me three or four times with its front paws and as quick as I hit it with that saw it just turned away,” he said.

Britton later discovered he’d inflicted a six- to eight-inch gash on the lion’s shoulder. He said he was surprised the damage wasn’t worse. “You would think if you hit an animal with a chain saw it would dig right in. I might as well have hit it with a hockey stick,” he said.

The starving lion was shot and killed after it killed a dog that was tracking it.  Authorities are making it clear that this is an exceptionally rare instance of a cougar attacking a man in the wild — they’re much more prevalent in night clubs after young men have been drinking — but you should still take your chainsaw with you wherever you go.  Ya know, just in case.

(thanks to Albert for the tip)

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TODAY’S LESSON IN BADASSERY

Written by Matt / 11.10.08

The Marine Corps, as you can tell from me jabbering on and on about it on a sports blog, is obsessed with its own culture and history.  We read and share Medal of Honor citations to help remember the tradition we have to live up to.  And nothing makes me want to run through a brick wall and head butt America’s enemies like 2ndLt John Bobo’s citation from Vietnam (I’ve written about this before, btw).

Before you make fun of his last name, read this:

When an exploding enemy mortar round severed Lieutenant Bobo’s right leg below the knee, he refused to be evacuated and insisted upon being placed in a firing position to cover the movement of the command group to  a better location.  With a web belt around his leg serving as tourniquet and with his leg jammed into the dirt to curtail the bleeding, he remained in this position and delivered devastating fire into the ranks of the enemy attempting to overrun the Marines. Lieutenant Bobo was mortally wounded while firing his weapon into the mainpoint of the enemy attack but… his tenacious stand enabled the command group to gain a protective position where it repulsed the enemy onslaught.

YAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!  God DAMMIT that makes me want to jump out a fourth-floor window and punch through concrete.  You soft-bodied blog-reading assholes better put down your cans of frosting and start getting your legs blown off and using belts as a tourniquets!  Go.  Do it now.  Don’t come back to this blog until you’ve repelled a VC attack and you’re bleeding to death.  Pussy.

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AHMARD HALL KEEPS IT REAL

Written by Matt / 11.07.08

One of my favorite players in the NFL is Titans fullback Ahmard Hall — partly because he clears the way for my LenDale White fantasy points, but mostly because he served in the Marine Corps before his college days as a Texas Longhorn.  And the veteran of Afghanistan will visit a VA hospital next Tuesday in honor of Veteran’s Day (last item).

“I’m just going to the hospital. I’ve been every year since I’ve been here,” Hall said. “I’m just going to show my gratitude to the veterans, young and old, that served the country and enable us to do what we do.”

There’s not really a joke here.  Everyone says they support the troops and respect veterans but no one does shit, so it’s pretty refreshing to see someone actually doing something. Semper Fi, Sergeant Hall.

Also, on a related programming note, Monday is not only Veteran’s Day, but also the most sacred day of the year: the MARINE CORPS BIRTHDAY.  The world’s finest fighting force turns 233.  Older than he U. S. of A. — and in much better shape, I might add.  No need to send gifts.  Your deference and respect is enough.

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URGE TO KILL … RISING

Written by Matt / 08.21.08

I'm not terribly offended by people burning the American flag.  Hell, put some graffiti on the Statue of Liberty if you want to.  Fart during "America the Beautiful."  Ring the Liberty Bell with your cock.  But so help me God, no one but NO ONE defaces my beloved Marine Corps Memorial.

[This is a] print ad for Portuguese station Sport TV's coverage of next month's Ryder Cup golf match between Europe and the USA in Louisville, Kentucky. The now Tiger-less Yank hackers have lost three straight to the Euros, so this ad is a nice "fuck you' on a couple of levels.

Personally, as a former Marine, when someone says "Ryder Cup," the first thing I think about is the 35-day battle that featured the fiercest fighting in all of World War II and resulted in the deaths of 6500 Marines and more Medals of Honor than any other battle in history. 

Nice work, Sport TV.  Thanks for raping the single image that most defines my branch of the armed services.  I can't wait to exact my revenge, just as soon as Portugal does something worth being proud of.

(via Deadspin

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POWER RANKINGS: FAMOUS MARINES

Written by Matt / 11.09.07

Is there anything worse in the sports media than completely senseless weekly power rankings?  Yes: Al Michaels and John Madden in HD.  And also people who actually have some kind of emotional investment in power rankings.

1. The Marine Corps.  Suck it, Johansson!  You'll get some respect when you start PT'ing that soft body of yours!

2. Father of the Year!  I thought Guy Lafleur was up there with Andy Reid, but nobody comes close to this Vols fan.

3. Dolphins.  They kick ass!  Um, as long we're not talking about the NFL team. 

4. Loving your pet.  "Hey man, that tattoo is the cat's ass!  No seriously.  It's disgusting." 

5. Chris Henry.  Back in the lineup!  And back in the police lineup, too!

6. BLOOD! BLOOD! BLOOD!  It's what makes the grass grow green, in case you were unaware.

7. 2 Dinar.  A friendly reminder that if you're into veterans' opinions on foreign policy, the war, and politics — and I'm sure most of you are since you're reading a sports gossip blog — 2 Dinar is is still pissing excellence.

8. Jason Elam, author.  He'll hit that clutch field goal in crunch time… AND he can make deadline!

9. Kevin Costner's band.  If you missed their performance in Tampa, be sure to catch them at the St. Clair Mall, conveniently located off of I-64 in southern Illinois. 

10. Nails and shrapnel.  Part of any Marine's well-rounded breakfast.

This week's video?  C'mon, as if it would have been anything else…

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SITE NEWS: MARINE CORPS BIRTHDAY

Written by Matt / 11.09.07

The U.S. Marine Corps's birthday is tomorrow.  I'm celebrating it today, and if you ask me, it's pretty nice of me to share it with all you dirty drug-using long-haired hippie Communist fags.  In order to understand the solemn holiness of this remarkable day, you'd have to pack Easter, Ramadan, and Rosh Hashanah into a single ceremony that honors generation upon generation of Fucking Badasses who gave their hearts and souls to living Spartan lives solely so they could kick ass in the name of America.

In honor of said holiday, I'm taking the morning off.  In the meantime, you can enjoy this recruiting video, which shows some footage of my old tank platoon in Iraq (OORAH!), and also features some motivational words and soulful expressions from my old company commander (from :50 to :35).  He just finished a full year in Iraq, which was either his third or fourth tour.  It's hard to keep track any more.

Happy birthday Marines, and Semper Fidelis.  I'll be back with sports news early in the afternoon, East Coast time. 

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