I’ve done a few hours of research on this video, and I’ve decided you can watch it in one of three ways:
1. It’s underwear pitchstress Caroline Wozniacki imitating Serena Williams by putting a towel up his ass and down the front of her shirt, and it’s all in good fun, because tennis ladies are all pals.
2. It’s Caroline Wozniacki and Maria Sharapova laughing about how Serena Williams looks, which has a possibly-unintentional “two boney white ladies don’t like how the curvy black woman looks” vibe.
3. The Internet friendly “omg wish i wuz yer towel” response.
However you want to look at it (and I’m not advocating any response in particular) the truth of the video is that Wozniacki did not impersonate Serena’s best quality — winning tennis championships — and that the impression was closer to a Simona Halep thing anyway.
While I was watching the U.S. Open last week, a friend and I had a very serious conversation about one of the most important tennis issues of our time – who is the hottest women’s tennis player of her generation? Ultimately, he said Anna Kournikova in her prime, and I said that was just lazy. Sure, Kournikova was every tennis fan’s perfect 10 for so many years, despite the fact that she just flat out sucked at tennis. And that’s an important thing to me when having taking such a misogynistic stance on female professional athletes, because I actually like to factor talent into hotness. What can I say, I’m a gentleman.
Anywho, I threw a few names out there – (younger) Serena Williams, Mathilde Johansson, Isabella Holland, Caroline Wozniacki, to name a few – and he just kept insisting that it’s a two-dog fight between Kournikova and Maria Sharapova. And he wouldn’t even consider Vera Zvonareva, which is just criminal if you ask me, because she’s the perfect combination of talented and fun to look at, which is also what I require of all girls, according to my Adult Friend Finder account.
Then Sharapova showed up at an airport over the weekend wearing this see-through shirt and I started to see my friend’s point a little more clearly. And yes, I know this is hardly news, but I had a whole post written out about why people need to get off Chris Johnson’s back and let the man get his sh*t together and I deleted it because Sharapova’s bra is breaking news to me. What’s that, Pulitzer committee? You’re sending my award this afternoon. Why thank you.
Forbes magazine today released their annual The World’s Most Powerful Celebrities, a top 100 list that ranks stars based on press coverage, social media buzz and whose agents paid Forbes the most money to put them on a list. At the top of this year’s 100: Jennifer Lopez, who was settling nicely into obscurity as that lady on Eric Cartman’s hand in an old episode of ‘South Park’ before ‘American Idol’ rocketed her back to prominence. Former American Idol winner Taylor Hicks also made the list, coming in at number 4,544,022 between Burnsy and the golden voiced homeless guy.
Tiger Woods managed to hang on as this year’s highest ranking sports celebrity, coming it at number 12. The only other sports guy in the top 25 was LeBron James at number 15, despite Roger Federer and Rafael Nadal coming it at numbers 2 and 3 in “Press Rank” behind Lady Gaga. I don’t know how much of this list is based on math and how much of it is based on people at Forbes trying to name 100 celebrities, so bear with me.
Here’s a full list of the sports personalities who ranked this year:
Sadly, Maria Sharapova Isn’t Running Around Giving Shower High-Fives - She’s just upset that they want pictures with her dog instead of with her. I bet Martina Hingis would high-five me in the shower. [ Brobible]
ROFLMNBAO: The NBA All-Star Weekend Edition - An uncouth linking to ourselves, but Burnsy is hilarious and this feature deserves at least as many comments as the wrestling posts. [With Leather
The World Needs More ‘Eastbound And Downton Abbey’ - Slide 8 is my favorite Kenny Powers quote ever, as if I didn’t already approve of this mash-up. [UPROXX]
5 Reasons Why Jaleel White Will Win ‘Dancing With the Stars’ - The moment the Urkel Dance music starts (“do it! DOOO IT! Evr’ybodaaaaaaaayy…”) I’m gonna lose my mind. [The FW]
The FilmDrunk Interview: Jason Mewes - He speaks some English, but he cannot speak it good like we do. [Film Drunk]
Pledge To Party On St. Patty’s Day & We’ll Donate $1K To Charity - How much will you donate if I pledge to stay at home on St. Patty’s day, watch movies and eat macrobiotic food? [Smoking Section]
30 Rejected Pieces Of Star Wars Merchandise We’d Totally Buy - These are way cooler than real Star Wars merchandise. A Death Star basketball, are you serious bro? [Gamma Squad]
Horrible YouTube Comments Immortalized In Web Series - This comment marked for spam. [UPROXX]
There Was Going to Be a ‘Community’ Porno? Tell Me More - I don’t want to see what they’d do with Leonard, but the Dungeons and Dragons episode would be AMAZING. [Warming Glow]
Steve Martin And Gwyneth Paltrow Feel Very Differently About Their Picture Together - Steve Martin’s face is starting to concern me. You’re a famous comedian, you don’t have to look 35 forever. [Buzzfeed]
17 Crazy/Awesome Japanese Commercials - Not as good as that Taiwanese weather report performed by like 10 girls who are also Power Rangers. [HuffPost Comedy]
Memento’s Brilliant, Beautiful Timeline - DON’T BELIEVE HIS LIES [Unreality]
It looks like tennis star Maria Sharapova [you know, as opposed to Wichita Federal Credit Union middle manager Maria Sharapova] finally has settled on a man. Cue the obligatory “That’s too bad, really, because I totally had a shot with her.”
Now comes word that [Lakers] struggling backup guard Sasha Vujacic and tennis star Maria Sharapova might be dating after the two were seen cuddling at a recent U2 concert.
And now the LA Times begins a cititation spree that may or may not force to lose control of bowels and leave you huddled in the corner crying for Mama.
In a recent posting, the website SportsByBrooks reported that CNBC reporter Darren Rovell revealed on Twitter the possibility of this power union earlier today. That was followed a few hours later by Matt Cronin of tennisreporters.net tweeting that it was indeed true.
But Tommy said that Heather said that Brandon said that they were just friends! Oh, who to believe; I’m sure he’s pounding that sweet, tender Vujacic all the same. It’s a good time to be a basketball player that nobody outside of LA has ever heard of. It’s also a good time to be a porpoise. I just think they’re nifty animals.
As The All England Club prepares to host Wimbledon in July, rumors are swirling over a potential crackdown on the grunting from some of the female players, who had been the subject of complaints during last month’s French Open. From the Daily Mail (via GameOn):
[N]ew proposals to make noise hindrance part of the International Tennis Federation’s code of conduct [mean that] grunters could potentially forfeit a whole game or match.
One of the loudest offenders is Maria Sharapova, who at 101 decibels is almost as loud as a lion’s 110 decibel roar.
In last month’s French open, Aravane Rezai complained to the umpire about the noise emitting from 16-year-old player Michelle Larcher de Brito.
As the rules stand now, an umpire can award a point to a player if distracted by a grunt. Which is poppycock. I, personally, like to hear the person on the other end grunting, and as loud as possible. Only a woman would get annoyed over that sort of thing. It doesn’t help that Wimbledon is traditionally the stuffiest of the four tennis majors. Next year, these women might be forced to play in ankle skirts and heels. The heels, I could get behind…