When I read that the 9th Annual Valentine’s Day Canine Kissing Contest and Cocktail Party took place last week in Portland, I immediately pictured Fred Armisen dressed as a hideous female as a pink dog with giant ear spacers slobbered his face. However, it turns out that today’s real life Portlandia tale actually comes from Portland, Maine, so I’ve been watching the IFC channel all morning for absolutely nothing.

Regardless, the contest in question featured a number of dog owners (do we really own dogs, though?) and their favorite pooches in a battle to see which human would let his or her furry counterpart lick his or her face the longest. Sadly, none of them tried my old college tactic of drinking too much Rumplemintz and passing out on the dog bed. WARNING: You may also be pissed on.

So who were the big winners at this year’s contest anyway?

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On Friday, I wrote a piece for Progressive Boink ranking the 15 worst fighters in the 1988 film Bloodsport. After watching this video, seeing someone get knocked out by an exaggerated movie spin kick and watching 17 seconds of utter MMA futility, I might have to go back and add Keegan Hornstra to the list.

The fight starts around the 4:30 mark and is over two kicks later, so don’t blink. Bruce Boyington has more difficulty with the cage than with Keegan Hornstra.

Here’s to hoping the fans who paid to get into NEF Fight Night 3 found something fun to do with the rest of their night. Not a lot to do in Lewiston, Maine. Catch seafood in wire crates, watch guys get spin-kicked to death … yeah, I’m spent.

[H/T to Maine Lobster Mobster by way of MiddleEasy]