Cincinnati’s own Dana Stubblefield has been sent to jail for stealing his girlfriend’s mail. Whoa whoa whoa, stealing mail is a crime? This was inevitable as long as the postal service kept making stamps more expensive. Yeah, I didn’t think that was funny either. Stubblefield went to three Pro Bowls during his 11-year NFL career, but since he’s been dis big fat mail thief now, I wonder if any of those invites to Honolulu were actually his.

Stubblefield, who was sentenced Thursday in U.S. District Court in San Francisco, had admitted to turning in a change-of-address form to have his former girlfriend’s mail (and her unemployment checks) delivered to him.

Last year, in connection with the Balco case, he was placed on probation after pleading guilty to lying about his steroid use as a player. Stubblefield played for the San Francisco 49ers, Oakland Raiders and Redskins from 1993-2003.

–WaPo.

Stubblefield is scheduled for 30 days in jail, so he might serve, like, a week. To be fair, dude totally has a girl’s first name. If he had dotted the i in his last name with a little heart, he probably never would have been caught.

News broke last week that the LA Galaxy would be shipping David Beckham off to AC Milan — or somewhere in Italy, I wasn’t really paying attention — prompting many critics to do what they like best, which is bitch about the existence of soccer in America.  But for better or for worse (and for the ladies, I’d say “better”), we’ve lost one underwear-modeling washed-up European soccer star only to gain another.

Fredrik Ljungberg, the 31-year-old Swede who you’re more likely to recognize in Calvin Kleins than a soccer jersey, has signed with the Seattle Sounders, the new MLS team that will begin its first season whenever it is that the MLS season begins.  All you ladies and closeted homosexuals — that’s most of the readership, I believe — will likely enjoy perusing Freddie’s gallery of shredded ab-ness.  I looked at all the pictures carefully, but it was only to… uh… make sure he wasn’t better looking than me!  Yeah, that’s why.

[Kickette]

A postage worker in Maine stole a valuable baseball card from the mail then blamed it on OCD. Ufford said he has a similar problem with touching women’s breasts in public, as I do with filming it. We’re co-enablers, it seems.

Richard Trofatter Jr. pleaded guilty… to a Class A misdemeanor count of theft of lost or mislaid property. His attorney, James Noucas, told the court his client was recently treated for “obsessive compulsive behavior surrounding baseball cards” and, according to a police report, Trofatter described himself as “borderline addicted” to collecting the cards.

A police affidavit filed with the court by Detective John Peracchi says he was contacted by a representative of the Postal Service on May 7 reporting the “mail theft” of a 1915 Cracker Jack baseball card depicting New York Giants pitcher and Hall of Famer Christy Mathewson.

The card had been graded and given a serial number before it was put in the mail by an eBay seller in Wisconsin who insured it for $655, according to court records.

This makes me incredibly uneasy about the future of my burgeoning stripper-organs-by-mail business. Not only is there the inherent difficulty of keeping already bruised body parts fresh during shipping, you have to worry about some postage official possibly swiping them. And all they want them for is target practice for their concealed weapons. Goddamn it, mail carriers, quit horning in on my victims!

[Walk Off Walk]