The NBA is back.

That statement inspires one of two feelings inside you. The first is a swell of hope and a flood of memories from 65 years of America’s greatest team sport. The second, most succinctly summed up as “meh”, only allows you to enjoy basketball when jumping online to tell a bunch of strangers on the Internet how little of a sh*t you give about basketball being back. More than football, more than wonderful old boring baseball, pro basketball (especially now, especially after all that) divides us right down the middle, leaving us cheering with tears in our eyes or dismissing with a wanking motion.

To illustrate this point, see Exhibit A: TNT’s NBA Opening Day montage. Michael Jordan is giving respeck knuckles to Derrick Rose. Wilt Chamberlain is slapping Dwight Howard on the ass. Magic is no-look f**king passing to Kobe Bryant. It should give you goosebumps. If it doesn’t, please consult the second video, wherein a drunk guy in a Santa suit gets great tickets to an opening day game and uses his time to yell WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM SANTA, A RING to LeBron James while he shoots free throws.

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I’m a sucker for anything that combines sports with appreciating the men and women of our Armed Forces. There aren’t enough videos of soldiers showing up at ballgames to surprise their families, and I was even pulling against my own alma mater against Southern Miss on Saturday night because there were soldiers attending the game to cheer on the Golden Eagles before they were deployed yesterday. And I know that I certainly can’t pay tribute to or even understand our soldiers the same way that Ufford can – hell, I can’t even write it as well as Justin Timberlake. So I’ll just reiterate that I love it when we can use sports to honor our troops.

That said, the 2011 Quicken Loans Carrier Classic was absolutely amazing. Just the idea of playing a basketball game on an aircraft carrier is incredible enough, and God knows we could have just sent a couple mid-majors to play on the deck of the USS Carl Vinson, but we sent the No. 1 team in the country, the UNC Tar Heels, and Michigan State to put on a show for our service men and women. UNC, of course, defeated the Spartans 67-55 and the action was less than thrilling. But the No. 1 team and another perennial contender agreeing to play outdoors in the middle of the ocean is simply awesome.

As if the game wasn’t enough, President Barack Obama and the First Lady attended and addressed the troops, and Magic Johnson and James Worthy represented their college teams and took pictures as well. For some reason Pamela Anderson was there, and I assume it’s because she was just floating by. Most importantly, Brooklyn Decker was there. Although, to properly honor our troops, Kate Upton and Marissa Miller should have also been there. But I’d say that this was just good enough.

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Sports

Billy Hunter Says Kiss the 2011-2012 NBA Season Goodbye - To paraphrase one of our commenters, as a Dallas Mavericks fan I’m happy the team gets to be champions into perpetuity. We should agree to send all of our good NBA players to China in exchange for them erasing our national debt. The math works out. [Smoking Section]

Magic Regrets His Early Retirement - I’m starting to think Magic Johnson never had HIV, and he just said he did as a public service announcement because everything in the early 90s was about HIV. He probably doesn’t know how to ride a skateboard, either. [Yardbarker]

The Animated GIF Guide to MMA Failure, Part 2 - Gifs are the new peep show machine. You drop a penny in and get to see a guy punch another guy for a few seconds, then move on to the Fortune Teller. In this analogy, “football” is the Fortune Teller. [Cage Potato]

Competitive Facial Hair Growing - Finally, a sport I’d be worse at than basketball. I guess Austin, Texas, is the world’s biggest competitive facial hair growing pick-up league. [SI via Hot Clicks]

With Leather

The Attractive Female Celebrity’s Guide To Drafting Fantasy Running Backs - I’m not knocking Burnsy’s system, but I think I’d rather draft an Alison Brie than a Mila Kunis or an Elisha Cuthbert. Besides, an Elisha Cuthbert would get killed by the Carolina Panthers. [With Leather]

The Dugout: A-Rod’s Violent Gambling Parties - For those of you complaining about a lack of closure on the Pete Rose joke, I had a big long thing where he saves his game in Armadillo and then realizes he’s low on health and has no ammo or money, so he can’t recover and has to start all over. That took up like three times the length of the Dugout just to get to a “you saved your game and have to live with the consequences” gag. I did you a favor! [The Dugout]

Bubba Smith, 1945-2011: A Video Tribute - We believe you guys, so we wont dispute you. But if you’re lying to us, we’ll come back and shoot you. Word. [With Leather]

How To Get Body Dysmorphia: Attend The Crossfit Games - Don’t forget to flip through Matt Ufford’s photo essay one more time today, so you feel like sh** about yourself all weekend. Still reminding myself about how brains are more important than muscles well into adulthood. Didn’t think I’d have to keep doing that. [With Leather]

Not Sports

10 TV Characters Who Should Die For The Good Of The Show - I wish “Scrubs” was on, so my contribution to this list could be “everyone who has ever appeared on Scrubs, both on television and in real life”. That clears out Zach Braff, fake Becky from “Roseanne” AND the plastic-faced version of Drew Carey’s ex-girlfriend. And Brendan Fraser! [Warming Glow]

The Four Most Ridiculous Sci-Fi Sexpisodes: When Aliens Force Our Heroes to Do It - “Sexpisodes”. When a character gets raped on a TV show, does it happen in a Rape-isode? I’m going to start saying all those HBO shows feature Buttf**kisodes. [Gamma Squad]

The Best of the Internet’s Lovefest with Shark Week, Obviously - I think sharks are pretty cool too, I guess, but jeez. Shark Week was pretty cool back when Kelly Clarkson was the American Idol. Yes, I am a snarky Shark Week Hipster. [UPROXX]

The Top 10 Highest Grossing Films Of Summer (So Far) - (1) The Smurfs, (2) The Snorks, (3) Goober and the Ghost Chasers (with the voice talents of Ricky Gervais and Lil Bow Wow), (4) Speed Buggy (gritty reimagining, stars Jason Statham), (5) Wacky Races (stars Ludacris, is extremely preachy, might win Best Picture), (6) Scooby-Doo Rises (Shaggy has leather and chain-mail bodysuit). [Film Drunk]

Sports

Gina Carano’s Haywire Has New Photos - I wish I’d been around a couple of years ago to try and convince you “American Gladiators” was a sports thing. I can’t wait to see Gina Carano in movies, where there is a 100% better chance of me seeing her naked. Also, I think the best way to shoot an uzi flamethrower is to hold it as close to your face as possible. [Film Drunk]

Michael Jordan, Magic Johnson, and Larry Bird Cover NBA 2K12 - I approve of this marketing, and think we should erase the last 15 years of NBA history and have continuity pick back up sometime around when Chris Webber showed up. [Smoking Section]

CM Punk Crashes Comic-Con - There are a lot of Comic-Con-related links in today’s Morning, but none as wonderful to me as the WWE Champion showing up and making Bill Simmons feel like he’s got to explain ‘worked shoots’ to us again. Here’s a footnote: you don’t know anything about wrestling. [The Wrestling Blog]

Disgusting Video of the Day: Pat Barry Loses a Wisdom Tooth - He needs a pair of jam shorts that say ‘WARRIOR’ down the side so you know how tough he is for doing this. Also, he should compare himself to a warrior or some sort of Spartan every time he opens his mouth. [Cage Potato]

With Leather

Lockout This: 10 Awesome Sports That Could Replace the NBA - Assuming we don’t move forward with my Zero Hour plan for the NBA, these will be suitable replacements, especially “Octopush”, which is about as close to Blitzball as we’re going to get. Luca Goers for life. [With Leather]

The Dugout: How to Pick Up Soccer Girls on the Internet - I think my professional dream at this point is to have one f**king baseball player say “oh hey, I know about that comic you’ve been making for the last seven years”. I still think Farnsworth turned down an interview with us because we’re the only thing that shows up when you google Kyle Farnsworth. [With Leather]

Tennessee Cops Can’t Find Murder Suspect Because They’re Looking at Porn - Lorenzen Wright’s family might be making it up, but it’s hilarious/depressing to think cops have to let dead people rot because they spent too much time browsing for casual encounters on Craigslist. [With Leather]

Taiwanese Animation Covers Yao Ming - Worth it just to hear an Asian lady say “Charles Barkley”. [With Leather]

Not Sports

A Golden Treasury of Photos from the First Day of Comic-Con 2011 - I want to make it to one of these things one day. I’ve been to a Wizard World and a Motor City Con, but never the big real one. I want to camp out for two weeks and be briefly glared at by Kristen Stewart. :( [UPROXX]

The Best of #Justin Bieber Lulz - In case we aren’t all tired of making fun of this kid by now, here’s a ton of stuff making fun of him. I never hear him on the radio and only see him on TV when people are interviewing him about how popular he is, so I don’t know, I think he’s a figment of our imagination. Let’s direct some of this hatred toward somebody who deserves it, like will.i.am. [UPROXX]

Comic-Con: Beavis and Butthead - I’m so happy about this, and the only news that would’ve been better is ten more seasons of “King of the Hill”. [Collider]

Did you expect Zach Galifianakis to ride something other than a Vespa? - No. [FARK]

And Magic Johnson, who was awesome.

Sports

Remember When Magic Happened in the 1980 NBA Finals? - I don’t, really, because I was only a few months old. I also don’t really remember the Miracle on Ice, but I’m going to tell people I do. I remember going to see E.T. and Empire Strikes Back at around this age, though, so you see where my mental priorities lie. [Smoking Section]

The Rogers Centre Field-Stormer, or The Industry’s First Television Star - The new era of instant, viral success has made us a society of doers, not thinkers, and the “doing” always seems to be stupid. I’ve got to be famous and it has to happen RIGHT NOW, I’m going to RUN WHERE THEY TOLD ME NOT TO, YEAHHH. [SBN]

Brothers and Sisters Make Bad Roomates: the KSK Sex/Fantasy Mailbag - These are always worth a read, but you don’t need me to tell you that. I’d start up a With Leather mailbag, too, but I don’t feel like explaining how I’m not gay five times a week every week for the rest of my life. [KSK]

10 Amazing Quotes From Brittney Palmer’s Cagewriter Interview - If you missed yesterday’s Maggie Hendricks-approved analysis of a Maggie Hendricks interview with a 12-year old middle school student who also happens to be a sexy Octagon Girl, check it out. [With Leather]

The Incredibly Strange Love Affair of Kyrie Irving and @MISSHAWAII - I’m not the type to toss a “BITCHES BE CRAZY” tag on posts, but wow, bitches be crazy. [With Leather]

Not Sports

Jonah Hill and Channing Tatum’s “21 Jump Street” To Be Rated R, Son - Because another R-rated comedy made money so producers went GO GO GO GO. The movie also stars the adorable Valerie Tian, who has maybe the worst filmography of all time (so far it includes Drillbit Taylor, Charlie St. Cloud, The Boy Who Cried Werewolf and a direct-to-video Robert Duvall western from 2006. Holy sh**. [Film Drunk]

Lobster Dog Vs. Lobster Dog - This is just a link to more links, but you should probably see a dog dressed as a lobster preparing to battle something called a “dog” covered with real lobster. [Warming Glow]

Super Mario Gets Some Sweet Converse Sneakers - I would pay good money for these shoes if I was still 15. Make some Excitebike shoes and we’ll talk. [Gamma Squad]

10 Great Things You Might Know Troy McClure From - “Hi, I’m Troy McClure! You may remember me from such TV shows as ‘the good seasons of The Simpsons’.” [Fark]

Dungy hopes that NFL teams will take a chance on Burress. He feels that Burress will no longer take anything for granted and will make better decisions.

“I’ve been with Mike (Vick) and I’ve seen how kids flock to him, and I think we’ll see the same thing with Plaxico,” Dungy said.

That was the punchline of today’s Plaxico Burress press conference, wherein the National Urban League promised a “major announcement” and delivered Plaxico saying he was partnering with the National Urban League (cough) and the Brady Center to combat gun violence. I’m glad urban youths now have a strong role model to keep them from putting a gun in their sweatpants, going to a club and accidentally gun violencing themselves in the leg.

Plaxico’s announcement might as well have been labeled “Now That’s What I Call a Disgraced Athlete, Volume 1″, including chart topping hits like “I want to see every child succeed”, “I can make a difference”, and “Magic Johnson is going to mentor me and keep me from making any more bad decisions”. Well, okay, that last one wasn’t a hit (and didn’t really make sense if you listened to the lyrics), but Magic and NBC analyst (and nothing else) Tony Dungy were present to thumbs-up their mentorship. Dungy added, “Lol I ran after his car as he was leaving jail.”

So, will this make Plaxico look more appealing to NFL teams? Would you rather your kid learn not to shoot people from a guy who has never shot anyone, or has shot someone (“Himself” counts as someone) but is famous? We want to hear your opinion, so let us know what you think in our comments section. Or just lean out of your window and shout it at passersby, and I guess eventually I will hear about it.