This makes me want to plug my ears with my fingers and shout-sing DO WAH DIDDY DIDDY DUM DIDDY DO. (via Cosby Sweaters)

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10 Athletes Who Would Have Been Greater If They Listened To Kenny F*cking Powers - If you missed this yesterday, kiss my ass and suck my dick, everyone. (but no, seriously, read it) [With Leather]

10 Celebrities Who Look Like Abandoned Mattresses - Somehow this may be the greatest meme in Internet history, simply for how accurate it is. Poor January Jones. [UPROXX]

Madonna Joins Twitter For A Day, Flirts With Deadmau5 - Prince should join Twitter, he should have a midi of one keyboard note playing in the background and every tweet should be the continuation of the same non-stop sentence. [UPROXX]

5 Directions Medicine Can Go In Now That Cancer Is Toast - More stuff that gives 70-year olds boners, please! [Gamma Squad]

Quick Hits: Verdicts and Renewal Odds on 5 New Television Series - Everything on CBS: loved and renewed. Everything on NBC: good stuff canceled, stuff that looks like it should be on CBS renewed. [Warming Glow]

Hunger Games Review: The Future is Blurry - I sure am excited to keep hearing people talk about this movie when I’m in line at the grocery store. [Film Drunk]

Question Of The Day: Who’s Copping The Air Yeezy 2? - I don’t know what that means. [Smoking Section]

20 Supporting Actors From ’90s TV Shows Then And Now - A nice follow-up to my Waldo Geraldo Faldo joke in yesterday’s Best and Worst Of WWE Raw report. [Buzzfeed]

‘Zou Bisou Bisou’ & 15 Other Awkward TV Serenades - David Brent and Greg Brady absolutely do not count. Uncle Jesse absolutely does. [HuffPost Comedy]

Forget Kony 2012, getting Steve Holt in the Arrested Development movie is the most important cause of the year - Steve Holt! Not getting arrested for public masturbation! [Fark]

‘Downton Abbey’ Gets an American Spoof With ‘Downton Arby’s’ - Great, now I want jalapeno poppers, a roast beef sandwich the size of my face and a Mountain Dew the size of the rest of my body. [The FW]

The 10 Best Shows in the Fox Network’s 25 Year History - I’m sure ‘Woops!’ is number 11 and Pajiba just made a mistake. [Pajiba]

I don’t want to spoil too many of Next Media Animation’s insane, theological recap of Super Bowl XLVI, so check out the video after the jump. Spoiler alert: The Giants win, God has officially forsaken Tim Tebow, and the Taiwanese are out of their goddamn minds.

Enjoy:

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I just tuned in to see what condition her condition was in.

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Here’s Madonna’s Super Bowl Halftime Show Extravaganza, Featuring M.I.A. Flipping America Off - And now, the real one. I would’ve given anything for Kratos to show up and brutally murder everyone on stage. [UPROXX]

Memory Lane: Vintage Nike Ads - Somebody needs to make a loop of these with the Earl Woods DID YA LEARN ANYTHING speech over it. [Smoking Section]

Subway Graffiti Artists Turn Offensive ‘Mad Men’ Ads Into Awesome ‘Mad Men’ Ads - These are awesome, but I’d be happier if someone could turn an ad into a time machine and move us forward a couple of months so we could watch this goddamn show. [Warming Glow]

Star Trek: The Next Generation on Blu-ray Looks Way Better Than You Ever Thought a 25-Year-Old Syndicated TV Show Could - Now let’s get Deep Space Nine out on blu-ray so people who watch Star Trek can realize they’re stupid and that it is the best ever. [Gamma Squad]

Can’t A Guy Order A Big Black Dildo Online Without Getting All Kinds Of Pervy Junkmail? - I know, I ordered 3 Superbook DVDs like four years ago and have been getting HAVE YOU HEARD THE GOOD NEWS junkmail ever since. YES I HAVE HEARD IT. [UPROXX]

Susan G. Komen Demonstrates Perfectly How To Destroy Your Brand On The Internet - I don’t think she’s a bad person, I think she’s Ozymandias and we haven’t had a time to hear her doomsday speech. [UPROXX]

Chronicle Review: Can a cheap gimmick ruin a great story? - As someone who watches a lot of pro wrestling, uh, yes, yes it can. It can also ruin bad stories. [Film Drunk]

When Drunk-Dialing Goes Wrong: Drake Sued By “Marvin’s Room” Ex - I’m gonna drunk dial my ex with a radio edited “youda youda bess” and see if she sues. Chef! [Smoking Section]

Lana Del Rey Returns To SNL In The Form Of Kristen Wiig - They needed to more directly point out that it wasn’t what she did or looked like, it was that her song sounded super bad. pBuzzfeed]

13 Puppy Stampedes - nyah hee hee nyah hee hee [HuffPost Comedy]

Michael Cera tries to grow a mustache. With results that are pretty much just what you’d expect - Please don’t ruin the Arrested Development movie with your stupid personal bullsh*t, Cera, the rest of the world isn’t interested in Paper Hearts. [FARK]

Steven Van Zandt Crushes ‘Sopranos’ Movie Dreams - Turns out Tony Soprano died in a plane crash, and now whenever they play Freebird they put his hat on the mic stand. [Moviefone]

Gary Oldman’s Dramatic Recounting of Snooki’s Urinary Tract Infection - Somewhere Chris Walken is getting upset about Gary stepping on his toes. [Pajiba]

A Gallery of the Most Egregious Video Game Console Knockoffs - The “Wee” mini-DVD player is more or less the Monald Muck of consoles. Also, lol @ the Super Megason. [Unreality]

"Yes, you - the lowly, pathetic ant in the back of the room pretending like I should even acknowledge you."

In case you were trying to block it out of your mind, or if you have simply pretended that the Super Bowl hasn’t had a halftime show since 2004, Madonna is performing a 12-minute set at Super Bowl XLVI on Sunday. As if it wasn’t bad enough that the NFL believed that we wanted to see a 53-year old woman in fishnet stockings perform osteoporosis-friendly dance moves while lip syncing 30-year old songs, she also had a chance to speak with reporters yesterday in Indianapolis, and I hate to say it, but I think we’ve had Madge all wrong.

Golly, I reckon she’s just a small town girl tryin’ to make a dream come true so she can tell her pa that she finally made it, gosh darn shuck ‘em.

“This is a Midwesterner girl’s dream to be performing at the Super Bowl halftime show,” said Madonna, who was born in Bay City, Michigan.

“In over 25 years of performing that I’ve done, I have never worked so hard or been so scrupulous or detail-oriented or freaked out as much as I have … trying to make the most major show at this Super Bowl,” she added. (Via Reuters)

I can’t even imagine the insane prep work that goes into picking out a medley of old songs and sending them to a producer with a note that reads: “Make modern, K?” Luckily, she’s receiving some performance help from younger, hipper artists like Cee Lo Green, Nicki Minaj and LMFAO. So basically, you could staple live squirrels to your nude body and you still wouldn’t be the worst dressed person at the Super Bowl.

But we’re being too tough on Madonna, who spent at least a decade pretending to be British. This performance, she said, is the one thing that she’ll have done in her career that her father would be most proud of. When asked for comment, her father’s spirit responded, “Yeah, no sh*t.”

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As I mentioned earlier in my Peabody Award nominee post about Princess the Prognostic Camel, I’m not much of a gambler. That doesn’t stop people from asking me for advice, though, because when you tell people that you’re a sports blogger, you should probably include that you’re a dick joke maker and not an expert, otherwise people will assume you know things.

But aside from bar squares and fantasy football, there is one specific type of gambling that I’m a sucker for – Super Bowl prop bets. And this year there are some awesomely stupid bets to be made, from Kelly Clarkson’s National Anthem prowess to Madonna’s Skeletor arms. Side note: Madonna, LMFAO and Cee Lo are set to perform updated variations of Madonna’s old hits. She’s like the George Lucas of music. Madonna might as well make Cee Lo dress like Jar Jar Binks.

Where was I? Yes, prop bets. They’re typically for the most degenerate gamblers, as people who feel the need to bet on every little thing – including the coin flip, the color of Gatorade dumped on the winning coach and how many yards Hakeem Nicks’ first catch will be – for the sake of getting their rush and/or making up for all the money they lost during the regular season. Today, though, I’m making prop bets into something for the average person.

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You may have woken up screaming from feverish nightmares last night and somehow just known this, but Madonna is performing at this year’s Super Bowl halftime show. The news broke on SB Nation earlier today, and if you’re like me you’ve spent the last few hours going back and forth between “great, another 60-year old thrusting their hips at me between Dorito’s commercials” and “at least it’s better than the f**king Black Eyed Peas”.

It’s impossible to mention Super Bowl halftime shows and not mention the reason why they’re only allowed to be manned these days by responsible corporate types — we are still living in the shadow of Janet Jackson’s enormous metal titty and its impromptu appearance in 2004. Classic Madonna may have sought to top Janet, but modern Madonna is basically a yoga mom who only gets dragged out with Britney Spears or the cast of Glee need someone iconic to dance with.

Here’s a quick survey of Twitter opinion, courtesy of Off The Bench:

@PeytonsHead
Madonna is performing at the Super Bowl? Maybe the Bills really are good this year, considering we’ve warped back in time 20 years.

@bruce_arthur Bruce Arthur
Madonna performing at halftime of the Super Bowl? I bet Joe Montana and John Elway will really enjoy that before they play the second half.

@joshlewinstuff josh lewin
Madonna playing SB halftime this yr after BEP last year.. we keep creeping backwards here, people. by SB48, it’s going to be Boz Scaggs.

@gourmetspud Gourmet Spud
They need to stop letting Al Davis’s grandfather pick the Super Bowl halftime acts.

The Super Bowl halftime show is just like everything else in the world: run by the elderly, because nobody young knows how to handle it. Here’s to hoping she goes full 90s Madonna on us and makes out with Naomi Campbell onstage to the terror/delight of all.