Thankfully a gent with an Etsy shop (BAMItsBernie) has made the minimalist poster craze relevant to my interests by putting together a set of World Wrestling Federation legends pieces highlighting some of the most memorable characters from fake fighting lore and their finishing holds. Some of these are just absolutely glorious, like Koko B. Ware with Frankie on his head or “Ravishing” Rick Rude’s minimalist poster requiring an outline of his entire body because he’s Rick Rude. I would’ve already bought the Andre the Giant one if it said “BUG-EYED HEADBUTT TO THE BACK OF YOUR HEAD THAT MISSES BY LIKE A FOOT AND A HALF” instead of “reverse piledriver”.
Anyway, take a look at these and drop 20 bucks on one if the muse moves you. I’m gonna befriend this guy and get him to make me a WEDGIE poster for Phantasio.
- Welcome to another Best And Worst Retro Report, this time celebrating the 1000th episode of WWE Raw. Make sure to come back tomorrow and read the Best And Worst of that show, if I can make it through four hours of Rock and D-X without going into teenage acid flashbacks and throwing myself through a window.
- If you’re reading this on Monday afternoon (and it’s still July 23), make sure to head over to our Raw 1000 celebration thread, featuring special celebrity guests like NXT’s Derrick Bateman, awesome rap guy Action Bronson and Mr. Belding from ‘Saved By The Bell’. You seriously do not want to miss that.
- Comments, likes, twitter shares, and everything else are deeply appreciated. If you want to see more retro reports, get the word out and make this one a success!
And now, from tween Brandon Stroud, the Best And Worst Of WWF Monday Night Raw for January 11, 1993.
I don’t know what it is about fame that makes people think they can be musicians. Paris Hilton and Kim Kardashian made sex tapes to become famous, and then to maintain their celebrity statuses they decided to become pop singers. Plenty of actors have done it – Keanu Reeves, Gary Sinise, Bruce Willis, Billy Bob Thornton, to name a few – and God knows there are quite a few athletes who think they’re regular Scott Stapps. I’m no Darren Rovell, but I’m willing to guess that 99% of them have failed.
But for some mind-bending, unknown reason, becoming a music star has always been a favorite hobby of professional wrestlers and every single one of them that has tried it has been terrible. Sure, that’s personal opinion, but I’d love to know who I’m overlooking. In the meantime, I’m sure that I’ve overlooked plenty of the most terrible singing wrestlers, but I could only handle 15 videos in the YouTube wormhole before I was screaming in agony.
Witness the horror for yourselves and feel free to add your least favorite songs in the comments.
One of my all-time favorite things to do is scour the depths of Etsy for random crap, because it’s just amazing how much awesomely ridiculous stuff people can create and sell on the Internet these days. But nothing gets my PayPal account pumping more than the sports gear that dedicated Etsy sellers have whipped up, and that’s why I want to devote this new weekly feature to finding my favorite Etsy sports merchandise, starting with that Tim Tebow pillar candle above.
Sure, I just pointed out that Tebow’s got a team of trademark-happy lawyers that are suing people for making things that don’t even mention the New York Jets backup QB’s name, but that’s not going to stop any of us from grabbing one of these $5 candles and letting the Jets fan upstairs know that we’re pushing for Tebow to get the other New York team a Super Bowl win.
After the jump, get in the gift-giving mood, because Etsy’s got every sport covered…
Meme Watch: ‘What People Think I Do Versus What I Really Do’ Reminds Us That All Jobs Kinda Suck - What Jeremy Lin thinks I do. What Kate Upton thinks I do. What I actually do! All just black squares. [UPROXX]
Chris Brown Has A New Pickup Line Sure To Make All The Ladies Melt - I bet George Jones is really happy he didn’t beat his girlfriend when the Internet around. [UPROXX]
7 Potential First-Time Hosts that Could Enliven the Stagnant ‘Saturday Night Live’ - I think they could benefit from letting lesser known, high quality writer/comedians host the show instead of someone with a movie coming out, that way a little effort would happen. [Warming Glow]
Channing Tatum Wants Fans To Pick His Movies - Okay. A Tree Of Life reboot, three consecutive movies where he’s an army guy “just tryin’ to get home to his wife and daughter”, then permanent retirement. [Film Drunk]
Our 20 Favorite Pieces From Gallery 1988′s Video Games Art Show - I would pay hard-earned cash money to have that Excitebike piece hanging in my house. [Gamma Squad]
NBA Announces All-Star 2012 Dunk Contest Participants - The most revolutionary change to the dunk contest needs to be “you get one chance to dunk this, so try not to f**k it up”. [Smoking Section]
Hall of Fame Oddsmakers 2012: “Macho Man” Randy Savage - Tom Holzerman and I debate whether or not the Macho Man will get into WWE’s Hall Of Fame. Like everything WWE related, who the hell knows? [The Wrestling Blog]
13 Things About Your Childhood You Never Realized That Will Blow Your Mind - I don’t want to live in a world where people don’t know Shredder and Uncle Phil are the same person. [Buzzfeed]
This Dog Looks A Lot Like A Penis - your entire website looks like a penis [HuffPost Comedy]
This the World’s Most Expensive Starbucks Drink? - I was with this guy until he busted out a Chuck Norris joke. Regardless, as a blogger, sixteen espresso shots sounds normal and awesome. [The FW]
Which Cast Aged The Best? My Money’s On Those Kids From Bayside - Well it certainly wasn’t the cast of ‘Seaquest DSV’, I’ll give them that. [Pajiba]
History of Nintendo’s Controllers GIF - Is it weird that I wish Nintendo was still making Gamecube games? I want another Double Dash game using the same engine with like 400 more tracks :( [Unreality]
Tommy Chong Says Whitney Houston Should Have Stuck to Ganja - Tommy Chong should’ve stuck to not talking about Whitney Houston. [Brobible]
Independent pro wrestling shows promoting one thing and delivering another is nothing new, especially when they’re run out of your local hockey complex and advertise shows featuring The Honky Tonk Man, but Florida promoter Dino Puglia has taken it to a new level. His Saturday night tribute show to Randy “Macho Man” Savage in New Port Richey, billed as a fundraiser for All Children’s Hospital and St. Jude’s Children’s Research Hospital, has suddenly become national news based on the fact that it not only milked the legacy of a popular dead wrestler, it milked two huge hospitals full of dying babies. The wrestling industry can get pretty shifty and unseemly, but holy sh**.
“I’ve stopped answering (Puglia’s) calls, and I don’t want to have anything to do with him,” said Savage’s brother “the Genius” Lanny Poffo, who had given his blessing for the event. “I thought it would be a good thing for my brother’s name, but I regret the outcome and would prefer to distance myself from the stench.”
Of course that quote is paraphrased, as the actual one rhymes and was written on the back of a frisbee.
The “fundraiser” never got permission to raise money for the hospitals, and the promoter says he didn’t raise enough money to cut a check to either charity. Why didn’t he raise enough money? It could have something to do with the fact that nearly half of the people he advertised for the show weren’t there, and some were never supposed to be. Poffo told Puglia that he was occupado elsewhere, but his face ended up on the poster. The Honky Tonk Man was photoshopped in before he was even asked to appear, and has posted a 15 minute phone conversation between he and Puglia on YouTube about false advertising wherein you find out the Honky Tonk Man refers to himself as “Honky Tonk Man” in real life. The situation turned into such an epic clusterf**k that the promoter FAKED A HEART ATTACK so he could leave the show. When you read Fred Sanford territory you know something is wrong.
Wrestler Big Vito LoGrasso, famous for wrestling in a women’s sun dress, shared his thoughts on the show with the St. Petersburg Times. If you think stealing money from children’s hospitals and faking heart attacks was as sad as this story gets, think again.
LoGrasso called the show “a rinky-dink operation.” There was no sound system, no bell to ring. In honor of the Macho Man, Puglia held marginally observed moments of silence, repeating “ding” into the microphone.
LoGrasso helped organize the event until he and Puglia had a falling out. Puglia blamed LoGrasso for many of the event’s problems, including the misleading promotions — which LoGrasso flatly denies. Puglia banned LoGrasso from the event, threatening to have him arrested if he showed up.
“He even deleted me from his friends on Facebook,” LoGrasso said.