Luke Walton makes matching hat kind of money.

In my constant desire to talk about Kris Humphries’ sham marriage to Kim Kardashian, I sometimes forget that there’s a pretty nasty lockout going on in the NBA. As of right now, NBA Commissioner David Stern and the players union can’t even agree on when to meet. The preseason is supposed to begin in October and the owners and players are roughly $7.8 billion apart. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again – there will be no NBA season this year.

So why is it that Stern is so open to talking about fault and who is to blame – not that he’s blaming the players, but he’s demanding they make all the sacrifices – but the players aren’t really telling us anything? After all, this is a PR battle and both sides need to be kissing our fan asses to win our favor. Enter: Luke Walton – Los Angeles Lakers bench warmer, Vince Mancini body double, and NBA players’ voice of reason.

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You can’t tell me the economy is that bad when Luke Walton has his own stalker. I’ll never understand the thought process of women. “What can I do today? I could go shopping for some new shoes…I could go through my DVR archives of Oprah…I could, I don’t know, stalk Luke Walton!” From the Orange County Register, via Inside Hoops:

“I’ll be going somewhere, and she’ll be following me everywhere I go. I’ll start really driving nuts, and she’s right behind me, staying with me. It sucks, because you figure you just go out and play basketball and you have your personal life, but then you have to start worrying about stuff like, ‘I don’t want to drive to my teammates’ houses if she’s following me, because I don’t want her to know where my teammates live.’”

NOT MY TEAMMATES! THEY HAVE STALKERS OF THEIR OWN! WHAT ABOUT MEEEEEEEEE???
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Just to make sure I haven't unfairly libeled Luke Walton as a diseased slummer, I should point out that he's denying any involvement with Little Miss Trainwreck:

Walton stressed that he has never even spoken to [freakshow Britney] Spears, who has attended several Lakers games this season.

"The rumors aren't true," Walton said. "I'm sure Britney is a great person, but I don't even know her. I have a girlfriend. I'm very happy with my relationship.

Has his famous father, Bill, called to ask about the rumors?

"No," Walton said, "my dad probably thinks it's true."

But that's what a couple decades of psychedelic drug use can do to you: anything seems possible… Well, except for that defensive effort by Robert Horry, which was terrible! He didn’t even make it difficult for Rasheed Wallace to score!

This morning I mentioned the possibility that Britney Spears was attending more Lakers games because she might be dating Luke Walton.  At the time it was just an email from someone I don't know who heard someone else say it on the radio.  But now!  But now, the Sun is reporting it, which means this has gone from "third-hand hearsay" to "printed rumor."  Those are two totally different things in the Hierarchy of Credibility; don't blame me if you don't understand the subtle nuances.

All I have to say is this: well, it's not so much me saying anything as it is me shaking head and clicking my tongue in disapproval.  This is the Britney Spears that got fat and shaved her head, right?  And he's a basketball star in a city full of hot aspiring actresses.  I really can't believe it's true.  'Cuz if it is, the Lakers are D-U-N done.  You saw what she did to Kevin Federline.  That guy was gonna be a star. 

The Lakers and Nuggets — two teams passing in the night.  Last night the Nuggs stepped on the Lakers on their way up the playoff ladder, riding great performances by Carmelo Anthony and Marcus Camby to win their sixth straight, 115-111.  I could easily be a glass-half-full guy and talk about how great it is that Denver is finally becoming the team most fans hoped for when Allen Iverson was traded from Philadelphia, but it's much more fun to point and laugh at the Lakers.

What's the source of the Lakers' mediocrity?  Some might say it's the mediocre players that surround Kobe Bryant, but I think it's the mediocre players' dating habits that's affecting the team negatively.  Male supermodel / With Leather reader Derek claims that Luke Walton is dating Britney Spears.  And it's probably true, because Britney recently wore a Lakers jersey to a game.  Plus, it was confirmed by a friend of Karen Kays on the Jorge Sedano show.  Whoever those people are.  I'm guessing they're not part of the wait staff at my favorite restaurant — although it would be more meaningful if they were.

Other NBA news: Dallas locks up home court advantage throughout the playoffs with a win over LA's other mediocre b-ball team…  Dwight Howard and the Magic torched the Bucks by shooting almost 63% from the field… Wanna know who isn't going to the playoffs? The Knicks.