America: Land of the Free to Have Stupid Facial Hair

I don’t get people. I don’t get how they can be born with unnatural talent and put in a position that people would (and have) kill to be in, to make millions upon millions of dollars for playing a game that people love. And all the while they can’t grasp the basic idea of thinking before speaking. But then, as I’ve pointed out so many times before, I’m not in their heads, so I can’t really identify with that someone like Tyrann Mathieu is thinking when he Tweets (and promptly deletes) something like this in the wake of yesterday’s tragedy at the Boston Marathon:

America… Only thing its good for is making money other than that this a wicked & cruel place to reside… #pray4boston

For the uninformed, Mathieu is a gifted young football player, who excelled at LSU before he was kicked off the team for failing drug tests as many as 10 times. Then he was arrested for marijuana possession. So maybe he’s pissed off because a guy can’t just smoke a little herb without people kicking him out of school or arresting him. But again, I’m not in his brain to know why he thinks that America is so wicked and cruel, and where he’d rather live than this country that is allowing him a second and third chance to make millions of dollars playing football.

I’m also not trying to tell a guy that he can’t have an opinion. If Mathieu hates America, fine. A lot of people do. But this is more of an issue with common sense or a lack thereof. Tons of people are insensitive, some even do it for a living. Sh*t, did you see what Anthony Jeselnik Tweeted (and deleted)? I’m just saying that there’s a time and a place, and a guy like Mathieu, whose draft stock has already taken repeated hits, needs an angel on his shoulder telling him that not every thought needs to be shared.

For instance, I’d like to suggest some things that he could have Tweeted instead.

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Here’s one for the KEEP YOUR POLITICS OUT OF MY SPORTS tag. From College Football Section (wait, what?):

Republican presidential candidate Rick Santorum visited LSU’s Alex Box Stadium over the weekend and found time to show off decent form in the batting cage. President Bush and President Obama both have done first pitch duties, but if Mr. Santorum is elected, he might be the first to take batting practice.

At first it looks like “The True Conservative” (who looks, sounds and acts exactly like Jim Bob Duggar) is taking some good cuts, until you realize that those pitches are coming in at dead turtle lob speed and might as well be sitting on a tee. Regardless, it’s fun to see these incognito space monsters attempting to look human, and it’s a nice break from Barack Obama’s liberal basketball agenda.

For further “Republican Presidential candidates taking batting practice” jokes, Rick Perry couldn’t step into the cage because of his rampant menstrual bleeding, but Mitt Romney took a relaxed attitude toward work to watch the baseball match, mentioning that the Nye-mets are his favorite squadron.

When the final BCS rankings came out and revealed which two teams would be playing for the BCS Championship, a good majority of us responded with a collective, “Aw come on, not them again!” When LSU and Alabama played on Nov. 5, we witnessed a 9-6 overtime festival of snores. Last night, when they met again in the BCS Championship game… well, at least one of them scored a touchdown this time.

Make no mistake, Alabama put on a heck of a show, dismantling the nation’s top team to the tune of 21-0. I remember hearing one of the commentators say that this was the first time that the No. 1-ranked team had ever been blanked in a championship game, but I was also busy trying to convince the bartender to put on a hockey game so we could watch something more exciting.

I’ll give LSU coach Les Miles some credit, though. It is pretty ballsy to play in a National Championship game without a quarterback while running a sorority flag football offense. I’m sure Nick Saban appreciated it, too.

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While most of us are eagerly awaiting the most important bowl game of the year – the GoDaddy.com Bowl, obviously – some people are still apparently hung up on that BCS Championship Game that is taking place on Monday night in New Orleans. I mean, I guess if you’re into things like the No. 1 and 2 teams in the country playing each other to determine the season’s ultimate champion, then this game is alluring. But still – Arkansas State! Northern Illinois! A match made in heaven.

With all the hoopla surrounding Monday’s title game, it’s easy to lose track of everything that LSU and Alabama players and coaches have been up to, like, for instance, Nick Saban showing off his DERP cannon at practice. LSU coach Les Miles and his players took time away from their practice to visit the cancer ward of the Children’s Hospital of New Orleans yesterday, and I think that’s worthy of a hearty With Leather Solemn Nod of Respect.

And in return, I’d like to ask that both teams play one man short on defense so we’re not stuck with another 9-6 snorefest. Well, unless it gives us this again…

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Usually when a school in the deep south wants to insult a rival, they print out a bunch of stickers of Calvin from Calvin & Hobbes pissing on their logo or something and plaster them on the windows of their trucks, and an entire school of rednecks end up with a child urinating on their car forever and we move on with our lives. Unfortunately for the University of Alabama, some enterprising soul has decided to take the “lol look you got peed on” joshing to a weird, hate crimey place.

The report, from the unfortunately named UnicornBooty.com:

In preparation of their upcoming game against LSU on January 9, the University of Alabama is selling t-shirts promoting a hate crime. The plan is for thousands of Alabama Crimson Tide fans to flood Bourbon Street, home to some of the oldest gay watering holes in the country, dressed in t-shirts that read:

HEY HOMEAUXS – WE JUST BEAT THE HELL OUT OF YOU.

As if using violent assaults against LGBT victims as a pun to sell college football merchandise wasn’t bad enough, the printer’s French is also atrocious. Aux is already plural, and in no need of an S.

Thank goodness LSU’s mascot isn’t the “black” something, I guess.

The comments section of the mythical creature’s ass contains a conversation with someone claiming to be the creator of the shirt, rationalizing that he didn’t realize gay people would be offended by “hey faggot I’m going to murder you” and noting that the shirts are a response to some fans from a few years ago wearing “Alabama Fans Are Homeauxs” shirts to games. He’s very sorry. And while it’s pretty easy to believe a guy from Alabama could be super stupid instead of homophobic, it’s interesting to consider why a Louisiana team would think calling a Tuscaloosa team with a vaginal bleeding euphemism for a mascot “homos” with a Frenglish spelling is beyond me. I’m gonna stick with “he’s an inbred goon and thought this was hilarious”.

"Seriously, guys... you've got me at here."

We all knew it was coming. After No. 1 LSU defeated No. 2 Alabama 9-6 on Nov. 5, anyone who has ever watched college football should have been able to see that we would be getting a National Championship rematch, so long as LSU won the SEC Championship. And seaux the Tigers did, whomping the No. 12 Georgia Bulldogs 42-10. I even got a kick out the ESPN scroll reading that LSU would “likely play in National Championship game.” Likely. Because Southern Miss’ win over Houston might have fried the computers.

So here we are, awaiting this rematch of the two SEC rivals. But wait a second… LSU wasn’t the only team that turned its opponent into the receiving end of a donkey show in a conference championship game. Oklahoma State spanked Oklahoma 44-10, so we were all like, “Well they should jump Alabama for No. 2, right?” Haha, you morons, of course not. OK St., despite finishing with a Big 12 championship and therefore a better record than Alabama, was still not good enough by the BCS computer’s standard to take the No. 2 spot. By a margin of .0086.

All right, everybody pick your side. Either you think that Alabama deserves a rematch with LSU because the Tide only lost by 3 points in such an amazing defensive game or you think that Oklahoma State is a conference champion and deserves to play for the title. Either you think that Alabama’s sole loss being to the No. 1 team in the country means more than OSU’s pathetic overtime loss to Iowa State or you think, So what, the Cowboys WON THEIR CONFERENCE. Draw your battle lines in the sand and prepare to argue via Facebook status updates and Twitter for the next month until LSU and Alabama play again.

For the record, I don’t think Alabama has any business playing in the BCS Title Game, but it’s not because the Tide didn’t win the SEC or anything like that. I just love seeing Alabama fans cry.

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