You can barely notice the photoshopping.

I can’t believe the Final Four is already here. It seems like just yesterday I was telling my friends how Missouri was the most complete team and if the Tigers could get past Michigan State, then the championship was as good as theirs. That’s because that was yesterday, and I haven’t stopped bitching about how this stupid NCAA Tournament didn’t start properly and they should have started it over the moment that Norfolk State screwed everything up. Damn it, if I could re-start Contra because I didn’t enter the cheat code in time, then I should be able to demand that 600 student athletes postpone their studies for one more week for the sake of my mild gambling habits.

But that’s the power of the tourney, friends. Very little has made sense thus far, except that the Kentucky Wildcats are as unstoppable as everyone but Ashley Judd and a few hundred moonshine distributors want them to be. That’s not to say that this Final Four lacks excitement, though. Quite the opposite. Sure, I may only have one team left and I’m in dead last, but my viewing enjoyment shall be taken care of. More importantly, we’re all in for some excitement, which is why I’m back once again to display my incredible expert knowledge.

How much of an expert am I? Check my bracket for yourself.

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As I most often point out as to avoid being called a hack – my feelings get hurt easy, y’all – I do not profess to be a sports expert, like ol’ Dick Vitale up there. I’m simply a guy who has a big TV and 12 web browser windows open at all times to follow multiple games until smoke starts to spray out of my ears. And watching all of those games, I develop opinions that I like to share with all of you. I believe that Mufasa or Pumba called it the “Circle of Life.”

So my point is that there are people out there who might be flipping through channels tonight, and they’ll be all like, “Hey, these guys are playing basketball, but I don’t know a thing about them.” Even worse, you could be a dude on a date with a hot girl and she’ll be like, “Why don’t we go back to your place and watch NCAA Tournament basketball and maybe I’ll take my shirt off if you know a lot about the games.” But you’re all like, “Snap, I haven’t watched anything.”

That’s why I created this handy-dandy guide to enjoying the Sweet 16, and to keep with the time-honored tradition of UPROXX live-blogging, I’ll be hanging out tonight to chat and make jokes about things that I notice. I invite you to join me, mainly because it’s fun, but also because I’ll be giving out free shirts at random to people who tell me why I’m wrong.

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Yes. If I get the ability, I will post one dunk video. It’s not Blake Griffin, though, so you’re lucky. The dunker and…. dunkee(?) are both very white. The dunker is Kyle Kuric from Louisville, and I don’t know the name of the other guy, but he’s from Notre Dame. He should get in the witness protection program, since he can never show his face again.

Video after the jump.
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How many Italian restaurants are in Puerto Rico? That was my first thought upon hearing that a major newspaper on La Isla Del Encanto (as opposed to a minor newspaper) made the announcement that Pitino was going to head to that country to coach their basketball team.

The newspaper report claims that Pitino will lead Puerto Rico in the Olympic Qualifying Tournament next summer in Argentina, and then – should the squad qualify – in the 2012 London Olympic Games. The Puerto Rico Athletics Federation is hoping to get him down to the commonwealth and present him as their head coach before Christmas.

–Card Chronicle.

It’s a good idea for Pitino to get back in the headlines for his basketball acumen and not some of this other foolishness. Plus he could nail like 500 women there and nobody would even think to care because none of them speak English. Are you taking notes, Tiger Woods?

So that woman that tried to blackmail Rick Pitino last month? Yeah, turned out that Louisville’s head men’s basketball coach kinda boned her back in 2003. Pitino copped to having sex with Karen Cunagin Sypher [Carin'? Come again? Insider?] in a Louisville restaurant, where he was allegedly under the influence of alcohol and watching too many pornos where people have sex in restaurants.

He also told police that he later gave Sypher $3,000 to have an abortion, according to Louisville Metro Police reports The Courier-Journal obtained under the Kentucky Open Records Act. via.

Pitino is claiming that he acquired the aforementioned stinky on his hangdown consentually. When Pitino charged Cypher with extortion in July, she made the claim of being sexually assaulted multiple times by Pitino, but her varying accounts of what happened have damaged her credibility. Meanwhile, the aborted fetus is being recruited by Kentucky, Cincinnati, and West Virginia, but the fetus has mentioned privately that he’d like to play close to home.

I don’t want to live in a world without Busted Coverage, who kicked off the NCAAs the right way: from the top. Here are some images of the Louisville dance team, doing dance team stuff and looking like they’re one bad decision away from passing out in your kitchen. Because that totally would have happened if I was still in college.

See the whole gallery at BC. My favorites are after the jump. Read the rest of this entry »