L.A. Sparks rookie Jantel Lavender was the #5 overall pick in the 2011 WNBA Draft, and now she gets to be famous for something — according to TMZ, the 6-foot-4 athlete sent her ex-boyfriend Adam Ashley into hiding by pulling a knife and threatening to kill him. At first you might be all, “Wow, this lady must be crazy”, but the more you read about it, the more you realize her ex is either trying to get money out of somebody I’m pretty sure doesn’t have a lot of money, or he’s Ralph Wiggum from “The Simpsons”.

He’s gone “into hiding” since the altercation happened on July 5, and has been filing hilarious court papers with the L.A. County Superior Court, assumedly from his bunker just outside of Los Angeles.

In the docs, Ashley also says Lavender “grabbed my head and slammed it into the wall. She grabbed my neck and was choking me.”

Ashley claims it wasn’t the first time Lavender got violent with him — alleging she also tried to choke him during a fight in June. During that altercation, Ashley claims, “While I was grabbing for her hands she kneed me in the growing [SIC] area. My private area was throbbing from the pain.”

“Kneed me in the growing area” is amazing, but “private area” is what’s making me laugh. He should tell his lawyer that she no-no’d him in his Danger Zone.

The way our terrible world works, “WNBA player” has got to be right behind “quiet Arabic neighbor in white neighborhood” on the list of people America is just going to presume is guilty. Not only a woman, not only an African-American woman, but an African-American woman playing a sport routinely played by men. Notice the difference between the header image I picked and the one TMZ is using. I’d be shocked if the first twenty minutes of her trial isn’t just the judge going “lol i can’t believe you had a boyfriend, i thought you played in the wnba!!11″

…side to play a basketball game in the elements! I button-hooked ya there, didn’t I? Here you thought this post was going to be about unsexy rampant lesbianism among the ranks of the WNBA. Now who looks like a dummy? Yeah, me. Me does look like dummy.

Anyhoo, get your tickets now (this guy already did), because on June 5th, the Los Angeles Sparks will host the Seattle Storm in an outdoor basketball game at the Home Depot Center. This will be the first outdoor game for the Sparks and Storm, but the second time a WNBA game was played outside – the New York Liberty and Indiana Fever participated in the Liberty Outdoor Classic last summer (pictured above). Before you begin to snicker about last summer’s first WNBA outdoor game, you should know that Menudo played a free concert after the game, too. Sweet.

Both organizations are pumped up (but not in an over-masculine way) about the opportunity to showcase their dribbling and layup skills in the fresh air in front of hundreds of spectators.

“Playing outside, beneath the stars will ensure an unforgettable evening for our players and fans,” said Sparks President Kristin Bernert. “But the game also provides a terrific opportunity for our athletes to inspire kids of all ages to lead healthier and more active lifestyles.” -The Fabulous Forum.

Dubbed “The Sunset Showdown,” the event is sure to be a treat to WNBA fans and confused onlookers alike. But to be honest, I find the moniker for the game a bit of a letdown. The Sunset Showdown? Please. How about bringing some Don King-sian panache to it? I don’t know, how about “The Thrilla With The Ladyzillas”? Hey, give me a break – that one was off the cuff.