I’ll preface this rant/whiny hissy fit by saying that I know that people have complained in the past that I write about the Orlando Magic too much, and a lot of people don’t really give a crap about my favorite NBA team. So to make up for that, I’ve included a bunch of GIFs of my favorite ladies, so you can just skip ahead to that if you don’t give a sh*t about my butthurt opinions.

That said, I originally had about 2,700 words written about last night’s Orlando Magic game that I attended, and how I felt about Dwight Howard in a Lakers jersey returning to the arena that was built for him. But he’s not worth that many words. He’s really not even worth the 127 words that I had written up to this point.

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I’m still not 100% on why it exists, but here’s a parody of Vlade Divac featuring his stage production about the life of Abraham Lincoln. Key l line: “I NEVER DIED!” (via Cosby)

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Links

Music Video Breakdown: ‘Toxic’ By Britney Spears |UPROXX|

The 5 Most Insincere, Self-Serving Quotes In The Daily Beast’s Matt Lauer Profile |Warming Glow|

The Great ‘Fifty Shades Of Grey’ Porn Parody Lawsuit Nightmare Is Finally Over |Film Drunk|

Soldiers Surprising Their Families At Hockey Games Are Just As Good As Baseball Games |With Leather|

Watch These Retired Lab Chimps Experience Sunlight And Grass For The First Time |Gamma Squad|

Of Course You Want To Watch Drake’s “Started From The Bottom” Performed In Sign Language |Smoking Section|

This Week In F–k You: NFL Reporters Dogging On Free Agency |Kissing Suzy Kolber|

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Welp, it’s finally here. After waiting patiently all season, I get to watch Dwight Howard come back to the massive new arena that he (and David Stern) encouraged the Orlando Magic to build, and I get to watch him miss free throws and blame his teammates for his shortcomings with a completely different team.

It’s going to be bittersweet for me, as I’ll yell things like, “More like Wonder Woman!” and even better, “Your nickname is Pooperman!” and me and my bros will high five and it will be awesome. But at the same time, the Lakers should win by 60 and my team still sucks at the end of the night.

Oh well, at least I’ll always have the memories of the times before all the pissy complaining and constant media missteps.

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If you’d stumbled upon an off-key parody song about Dwight Howard throwing the Orlando Magic under the bus set to Cee Lo Green’s 2010 hit ‘F**k Forget You,’ you’d probably say “wow, this is dumb,” followed by “this must be pretty old” and “some weird Internet guy made this.” But no, here is a Dwight Howard ‘Forget You’ parody song made with South Park technology released YESTERDAY by THE ORLANDO NEWSPAPER.

No, for real.

Dwight Howard’s ex-Orlando Magic teammates channel Cee-Lo Green to deliver a message for their departed Superman and the hated Los Angeles Lakers. Produced by Rich Pope, Sean Pitts and Todd Stewart. (via Orlando Sentinel)

I don’t even know what to say. As a sports blogger, my brain is set to “make fun of people who still make Harlem Shake videos” right now, and if I see a ‘Gangnam Style’ or ‘Call Me Maybe’ parody I get to deride whoever made it for being sloth dinosaurs. How do I even BEGIN to handle the Orlando Sentinel aping a hit so old that ‘Glee’ covered it TWO YEARS AGO?

Holy shit, Orlando Sentinel, get your shit together.

[h/t to Sportress]

Last week’s Wednesday Dunk Battle was one of the most hotly contested ever, pitting LeBron James and Blake Griffin (the two most prolific Wednesday Dunk Battlers of the season) against a sea otter and a guy who dunked through fire. The sea otter murdered them. But still, the idea is that the Wednesday Dunk Battle is HEATING UP, and this week we see who dares follow in Eddie the Sea Otter’s footsteps. Yes, LeBron James is in this one, too. Yes, I tried to see how many times I could write “Wednesday Dunk Battle” in one paragraph.

This week’s dunks:

1. Past-his-prime Kobe Bryant goes FULL PRIME on Josh Smith.
2. LeBron James runs a slant route en route to his one millionth alley-oop from Dwyane Wade.
3. Baylor’s Brittney Griner dunks on what might as well be everyone from Kansas State.
4. Louisville’s Chane Behanan uses the anger he’s felt trying to spell “Shane Bohannon” in his lifetime and brutally dunks over DePaul guard Worrel Clahar, who has NO IDEA what to spell.

You make the call. Please remember that your science is appreciated, and that voting in the poll below officially makes you a scientist. OF BASKETBALL DUNKS.

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I want to be very clear about something – I do not condone the use of marijuana for recreational purposes. However, when it comes to wearing clothes that depict marijuana, I’m a huge fan. After all, nothing says, “I’m ready for that job, Mr. Corporate Executive” like wearing a “Space Nug T-Shirt”, which you can purchase for yourself and/or a loved one for just $39.99.

I always say that you dress for the job you want, so if you want to be an interplanetary drug dealer, this is the shirt that will turn heads and make intergalactic drug kingpins notice you. Live your dream today or cry about it tomorrow.

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