It looks like tennis star Maria Sharapova [you know, as opposed to Wichita Federal Credit Union middle manager Maria Sharapova] finally has settled on a man. Cue the obligatory “That’s too bad, really, because I totally had a shot with her.”

Now comes word that [Lakers] struggling backup guard Sasha Vujacic and tennis star Maria Sharapova might be dating after the two were seen cuddling at a recent U2 concert.

And now the LA Times begins a cititation spree that may or may not force to lose control of bowels and leave you huddled in the corner crying for Mama.

In a recent posting, the website SportsByBrooks reported that CNBC reporter Darren Rovell revealed on Twitter the possibility of this power union earlier today. That was followed a few hours later by Matt Cronin of tennisreporters.net tweeting that it was indeed true.

But Tommy said that Heather said that Brandon said that they were just friends! Oh, who to believe; I’m sure he’s pounding that sweet, tender Vujacic all the same. It’s a good time to be a basketball player that nobody outside of LA has ever heard of. It’s also a good time to be a porpoise. I just think they’re nifty animals.

Lakers’ big man Pau Gasol will be making a guest appearance on an episode of the CBS drama “CSI: Miami” set to air next month. A Spanish basketball player acting on American television. That sounds like *puts on sunglasses* a tall order. YEEEAAAHHHH!!!

“It was a very attractive opportunity. I play Victor, a normal person who is involved in a car accident and police are suspicious that I am responsible for what happened. I have good, meaty dialogue with an officer,” he told daily newspaper El Pais. –AFP.

Meaty dialogue! Normal person! You know, a normal 7-foot Spaniard walking around Miami pulling his eyelids away from his face and muttering things like, “Mee ruv yoo rong time!” That’s the kind of programming we need more of on prime time–baseless Asian stereotyping from Europeans. Hey, that’s how we wound up with “The Office.”

If you were one of the lucky few that secured an invite to Lamar Odom’s bachelor party scheduled for last night, we offer our condolences. And so does Odom, who’s still scheduled (as far as we know) to marry Khloe Kardashian on Sunday.

“I am extremely thankful to Joe Francis and Rob Kardashian, for agreeing to host my bachelor party this evening at Hollywood hot spot Les Deux.

I regret, I will have to cancel this event because I have now decided to have a private dinner with my teammates, a few close friends and of course Joe Francis and Rob Kardashian.”
via, via.

Man, that would have been a sweet party, but it’s probably for the best that such an awesome event didn’t happen. How depressing would it be to have an awesome time with strippers and midgets and then realize, Oh, I have to get married in three days to someone who’s neither a stripper nor a midget. This is exactly why we’re hiring a clown to drink with us in Vegas. Because parties with strippers and midgets are just a logistical nightmare.

Not pictured: tons of candy.

The news is that Lamar Odom and Kourtney Khloe Kardashian needed all of one month together to decide that they were going to get married. The wedding is this Sunday [and she "couldn't be happier"], but the bachelor party is tomorrow, and it could very well feature the greatest assemblage of talent since the 1983 NFL combine.

[Joe] Francis is hosting Lamar’s swan song to bachelorhood tomorrow at Les Deux nightclub in Hollywood. It will be a formal affair … with stripper poles and “midgets.”

Here’s the good news — Khloe’s brother Rob will be there to keep an eye on Lamar … unless he’s distracted by the midgets and stripper poles.via.

I love how “midgets” is in quotes, as if they couldn’t confirm that, yes, these are in fact midgets. How would they do that, anyway? Is the California Department of Weights and Measures certifying midgets now? Have there been rampant cases of midget fraud rampaging through the Golden State? Sure, they might have done so since “midget” is actually a slur, but I wouldn’t put anything past those damn Kardashians. If they can pass themselves off as “celebrities,” I shudder to think of who they would consider to be “little people.”

Here’s video of Kobe Bryant playing one-on-one in the Philippines (one L, two Ps) at one of his basketball camps, which is weird, because I always remembered basketball camp as a place where you played basketball, instead of watching someone else do it.

But anyway, Bryant pulls a kid out of the stands for a game of one-on-one, and this might be the greatest defense Kobe’s ever played in his life. You get a little perspective for how internationally renown NBA stars can be, whereas we just routinely dump on them without hesitation or restraint. But enjoying a neverending parade of sports icons is part of being American. Well, that and taking it for granted. via, via.

The Los Angeles Lakers held their cheerleader tryouts last weekend, and being a judge at such a tryout might be one of the greatest jobs ever. Imagine telling all but 22 of the 500-plus dancers that showed up in El Segundo, “Sorry, you’re really sexy and all, but these other women here are even sexier. So, shove off.” And then they would cry and develop eating disorders or something. The moral of the story is that objectifying women is totally cool, unless you write for a blog. via.