WILSONNNNN

WILSON I’M SORRY

(via Cosby Sweaters)

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Links

On The Saints, NFL Bounties And Finally Being Treated Like Regular Human Beings - I don’t know why everyone’s so upset about these NFL Bounties, I think having paper towels with Saints logos on them is awesome! *bicycle horn honk* [Smoking Section]

Gregg Williams Has Complex Homophobia - “AIDS Convention” is almost as ridiculous as “the jerk store”, but it sells more jerks. [Kissing Suzy Kolber]

Matches We Loved 2011: Part II - The #ddslove continues, and I’m actually in this one! Watch the clip of the match I picked to see someone kick so hard their kickpad flies off. [DirtyDirtySheets]

The Best Of ‘Community’s’ #Abed - Cool. Cool. Cool cool cool. [UPROXX]

The First Ten Minutes Of John Carter Are Kind Of Impressive - I kept expecting Bryan Cranston to roll over, grimace at the camera and yell “nobody’s in the theater, John!” [Gamma Squad]

Project X kid was in a Bang Bus movie - Living the dream. I can’t wait until my UPROXX bosses find out about the time I Pornhubbed Allie Sin. [Film Drunk]

Discussion and Poll: Has ‘The Walking Dead’ Earned Back Your Trust? - “And furthermore, what do you guys think about season 4 of Heroes?” [Warming Glow]

Christina Hendricks & Olivia Munn Are The Latest Celebs To Have Their Cell Phone Pics Surface On The Internet - Proud of myself for getting up a link to this story yesterday before anyone else on the network. Also, disappointed in myself for being so into celebrity nudity. [UPROXX]

25 People Who Think President Obama Killed Andrew Breitbart - “Colledge” says everything you need to know about these people. Obama’s the reason for these tornadoes breaking out, too. He has an evil tornado machine. [Buzzfeed]

The Live News Sexual Innuendo Supercut - Nudes at eleven. Er, I mean “news”! Heh! [HuffPost Comedy]

Watch Britney Spears’ Changing Face Through the Years - “Watch how stress, drugs and eating disorders make you look like a 50 year old women by the time you turn 28.” [The FW]

Five Brilliant Graphic Novels that Just Happen to Star Talking Animals - Real talk: We3 is right behind Watchmen as my favorite comic ever. If you haven’t read it, do yourself a favor and find it immediately. [Unreality]

In last Saturday’s game that had the Los Angeles Kings beating the Edmonton Oilers 5-2, Kings defenseman Drew Doughty decided to decapitate (please acknowledge that great alliteration) Edmonton’s poor little rookie Taylor Hall, the pride and joy of the Oilers right now. The very clean hit did not go over well with the rest of the Oilers, including Dustin Penner, who promptly stopped playing hockey (as is hockey player reflex when someone on your team gets rocked) and started jumping on any Los Angeles player near them.

Hall, who looks like a douche from his roster picture, gets up after the hit, shoves a guy once, then stands there, probably with tears streaming down his face that we can’t see. It’s absolutely precious for a kid whose middle name is Strba (that’s not a name, that’s a bunch of random letters). At the two-minute mark is the greatest replay of Doughty’s crushing check, because it’s in SLOOOWWWWW MOTIOOONNNNN, the greatest invention for sports ever. Seriously, show me a person who doesn’t like slow-motion replays, and I’ll kill him. Simple as that.

Commenter/wet blanket Jim Jones was nice enough to take a break from picking up guys outside the free health clinic to send along this video (also available at Fan IQ) from Saturday night's Kings-Avalanche game.  Avs forward Ryan Smyth had just scored his second goal of the game when Jack Johnson took him hard into the boards by the Colorado bench.  Smyth lay unconscious on the ground for several minutes before getting up, but he's out indefinitely until the team's medical staff performs more tests.  When asked to comment, Johnson said, "No, I won't play 'Bubble Toes'! That's the OTHER Jack Johnson!"  You just know everyone was disappointed to learn that.

What with all the cool things happening in interesting sports this weekend, I barely noticed that the NHL kicked off its season in London.  The Ducks and Kings ended up splitting the first two games of the season, with the Ducks regaining their championship form in last night's 4-1 win.  Not surprisingly, Londoners were mostly ambivalent, getting excited only when players (like Scott Thornton and George Parros, pictured) dropped their gloves and beat the crap out of each other.

I think it's a great idea for the NHL to branch out to other countries.  I mean, hockey's insanely high level of popularity in America has reached a critical mass; it only makes sense to branch out to other nations now that it's conquered the good ol' U.S. of A.  In fact, I say move the whole NHL to Europe.  I think I could appreciate it more from afar.  I mean, I'd appreciate it if someone made it farther away.  

It's nothing personal.  I don't dislike hockey.  I even understand and respect that a lot of people really love it.  I just don't want it living in my neighborhood, driving down property values and taking our jobs.