Get your “I thought he already announced his retirement, when he decided to play MLS” jokes ready. David Beckham has retired.

The 38-year-old Beckham, who recently won a league title in a fourth country with Paris Saint-Germain, said Thursday he will retire at the end of the season.

“I’m thankful to PSG for giving me the opportunity to continue but I feel now is the right time to finish my career, playing at the highest level,” the former England captain said in a statement.

“If you had told me as a young boy I would have played for and won trophies with my boyhood club Manchester United, proudly captained and played for my country over one hundred times and lined up for some of the biggest clubs in the world, I would have told you it was a fantasy,” Beckham said. “I’m fortunate to have realized those dreams.” (via Sports Illustrated)

David Beckham has given us YEARS of fun at With Leather, whether he’s trying to sue tabloids for saying he railed prostitutes, making people uncomfortable with his underpants Super Bowl ads, forcing people to accept his children as fashion models or wandering around Los Angeles bulge-first. Becks, we thank you for that. We also wish you the best in your future endeavors, which we can only assume are “being poor” and “not being a famous celebrity.”

With more on David Beckham’s retirement, here’s TMZ. Wait, sorry, here’s actually David Beckham.

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By all accounts, 2011 was a fantastic year for David Beckham. Granted, it doesn’t take much for Beckham to have a great year, other than just waking up and collecting whatever random amount of money is being thrown at him and his wife, Ginger Scary Sporty Baby Posh Victoria, that day. But last year he was fortunate enough to get the albatross off his back in helping the L.A. Galaxy win the MLS Cup, and unless I missed someone throwing a pot of boiling water at his face, he’s still David-f*cking-Beckham.

Momentum already seems to be carrying over into 2012 for Becks as well, because word is he’s already being heavily considered to be the captain of Great Britain’s soccer team at the Olympics in London, and he’s returning to the Galaxy for two more seasons, as some people assume he’ll eventually make a push to buy the team. But before any of that happens, he has one tiny little thing that he wants to take care of – he really wants to sue In Touch Weekly and prostitute Irma Nici for claiming that he slept with her 5 times to the tune of $10,000 a pop in 2007.

The problem is a judge already said he can’t.

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When it comes to Major League Soccer, the Los Angeles Galaxy have been the equivalent of the New York Yankees, displaying no shame in paying top dollar to bring in the biggest soccer players in the game. In the past 5 years, the Galaxy have shelled out big bucks for Robbie Keane, David Beckham and America’s favorite balding baller, Landon Donovan. Combined, the three stars make a ridiculous $12.2 million.

*checks numbers again, slides beads on abacus, punches “80085” on Texas Instruments graphing calculator*

Yup, a whopping $12.2 million between the three of them. Way to break the bank, Steinbrenner.

Regardless, the Galaxy have been criticized for essentially trying to buy a title, and good for them because it finally paid off. Led by their Big 3, the Galaxy defeated the Houston Dynamo by a ridiculous 1-0 to win the MLS Cup, as millions of Americans finally caved and bowed down to their new soccer gods. Or they probably watched “Family Guy.” One or the other.

But the big winner was David Beckham, who came to the U.S. as a poor, unknown British man looking to make it in America and fulfill his dream of being a footballer on the world’s biggest stage. Accompanied by his demure, modest wife, Victoria, David has been the epitome of hard work and perseverance as he has shied away from the public spotlight and simply been a man of the people.

Life has been very tough for David Beckham, which is why we are happy to honor him today as a champion. For the first time in his life, Beckham knows success.

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David Beckham and his son Brooklyn, who probably already has a line of groupies as long as the Autobahn what with his lavish birthday parties at Harry Potter’s castle, hit the beach in Malibu last week and, well, there’s not much you can really say about Beckham that hasn’t been said before. Despite having a voice that could shatter diamonds, Becks is considered pretty fun to look at by the ladies, so I thought we’d take a trip out to Malibu to please our lady girls.

I’m not sure I really understand the hat in the water look, as water tends to shrink and warp hats, but I suppose when you’re worth more money than whatever god they worship in England, you probably have a separate bank account just for hats. Either that or he’s going bald. In fact, if I were bitter and self-conscious, I would totally start a rumor that Becks is not only going bald, but it’s because he has to take excessive amounts of testosterone on a daily basis to battle his body’s naturally high estrogen level. Also, he pays homeless men to wrestle him in grease and they yank it out a lot.

You know, if I were bitter. But since I’m not, let’s see what was going on at the beach with Becks and the kids.

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