If you’re a fan of the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim, now’s the time to start flapping your arms.

The Angels signed reliever LaTroy Hawkins on a one-year, $3-million deal on Wednesday night, then looked at each other, shrugged and said “ah f**k it, let’s sign everybody”. They suddenly emerged as the frontrunner in deals for C.J. Wilson and Albert freaking Pujols, and according to the report directly to the right of this paragraph and everyone freaking out across the sports world, it looks like the AL West squad landed the biggest and best free agent of the off-season, and possibly ever.

From the L.A. Times:

One day after appearing to have no interest in Pujols, the Angels are believed to have offered the three-time National League most valuable player a 10-year deal for at least $210 million.

It appeared Pujols would be heading back to St. Louis after the Miami Marlins pulled their 10-year, $220-million offer to the slugger earlier Wednesday. The Cardinals have offered Pujols nine years and more than $200 million.

So Pujols gets the ten years he was looking for, the Angels are instantly playoff contenders again and Mel Clark can pitch tired as much as he wants.

Somebody get the Indians to bring in a bunch of guys from obscurity and jail so we can live out our movie in real life, please.

Last month, I introduced you to Celebrity Guest Dugout Week, a week full of Dugouts written by the biggest and brightest names in sports journalism. Well, there ended up only being one, by Bill Simmons of Grantland.com.

I was disappointed in the turnout (Peter Gammons didn’t return my calls, the guy who runs Bleacher Report just snail mailed me a box of crayon drawings and Spiffy Sean Styles of Lethal Entertainment is horrible), so I called Simmons up and asked him to find me another guest writer. After a four hour phone conversation wherein he compared his wife and kids to Kevin McHale, we found our next author — American poet and novelist Charles Bukowski. His unique brand of transgressive fiction and dirty realism is perfect for my webcomic about baseball players cursing, and here we are.

Today’s Dugout follows. People are finally going to start taking us seriously.

[editors note: Today's Dugout is actually guest written by a good friend of mine, Mr. William Hanstock of Progressive Boink and Baseball Feelings fame. Be sure to follow him on Twitter, or at least let him know what you think.]

[secondary editor's note: Today's Dugout about how nobody talks about the Angels was written before the Angels decided to pitch a g.d. no hitter.]

Read the rest of this entry »

Change the name of the team to the “Los Angeles Puffins of Anaheim”. F**k you, I watched that show.

Sports

With Leather & Draftstreet are Giving Away Money - In case you missed yesterday’s most important post (no, not the one about the Texas Rangers wearing sunglasses), we’re having another fantasy game on Friday, and this time everybody’s playing. Jump over to The Smoking Section and take Gotty’s™ word for it, then follow his link to Free Money On The Internet. [Smoking Section]

Biggie Smalls Lives Through a Lacrosse Announcer - While you’re there, make sure to watch this video of a guy who has heard the greatest hits of the Notorious B.I.G. and wants to tell you about it. I need to start podcasting so you guys can find out how many rap lyrics I know. (spoiler: a lot) [Smoking Section]

The Dugout: Old Man and The Sea - Best and Worst of Fake Underwear Fighting takes a lot of time to produce, so I’m thinking “Wednesday, Thursday, Friday” as the weekly Dugout schedule. Sound good? Comment on this and I’ll make it happen. [The Dugout]

Keyboard Warriors #3: The Ream - After you’ve satiated my need for instant, constant feedback, check out the only officially licensed branch of people ripping off The Dugout. Read it, then read any of the site’s comments sections for continued hilarity. [Cage Potato]

Not Sports

The Ten Worst Answers for Best Show on Television - I legitimately feel sorry for someone who thinks “Chuck” is the best show on television, bless their heart. There are a lot of good shows on television, but the very best one stars April motherf**king Ludgate. If she tried to rape meh, I would not fight back. [Warming Glow]

Futurama Returns Tonight - What’s On Tonight: one of my favorite shows of all time (because my favorite part of any Simpsons episode is the physics jokes) returns with new episodes. If it’s like any other season of Futurama, it will start off shifty, then get amazing. [Comedy Central]

Keanu Reeves Cashing In On Sad Keanu Meme - The quickest way to create your own Sad Keanu meme: watch Much Ado About Nothing. I appreciate a bad Keanu Reeves performance as much as the next guy, but holy sh** dude, what were you thinking? [Uproxx]

The Best of 60s Spider-Man Meme - Fun Fact: Though I wasn’t alive to watch it when it aired, the 1960s Spider-Man cartoon is one of the funniest things in history to me. I think it has something to do with him having no web lines on his chest, and how I’ve never done drugs, but the show makes me feel like I have. [Gamma Squad]

Fantasy baseball alert! Are you familiar with first baseman Kendry Morales of the Los Angeles Angels? Well, there’s something you should know about him now. His name is actually Kendrys Morales by birth, so factor that into your mock drafts this season. Suck it, Matthew Berry. I’m better than you!

On Wednesday the Angels’ communication office released the a statement to the media saying that the official spelling of the player’s name is Kendrys Morales.

According to the statement, Morales’ first name has been inaccurately spelled without the ‘S’ since he came to the United States. -FOXSports.

Enough about that. On to the video! Below is the thing that Morales is probably best remembered for: the grand-slam broken leg extravaganza. Skip to about the one-minute mark to see a combination of celebration and pain all in one event. That’s also the description I put for my flyers when I have my “confetti orgies.” If you’re interested, I’ll put you on the mailing list. Just let me know, dude.