No, seriously, meet FLiZ. MEET IT.

Ever wish you could do less riding and more running on your daily bicycle commute? Neither have we. But that seems to be the idea behind the German-designed FLIZ, a new concept velocipede that nixes the pedaling and suspends its rider runner from a harness. (via The Atlantic)

If you haven’t said “haha what the shit it is” out-loud yet, let me help you by asking you to remember that episode of ‘South Park’ where Mr. Garrison creates a giant wheel you drive by fellating a knob and letting it f**k you in the ass for a quick compare/contrast.

I guess the basic idea was to create a scooter apparatus to take your body weight out of the running motion. That’d be easier on your knees and maybe allow you to run farther and faster without getting tired. The rub here is that to scooter-run you’d have to remove the scooter from your feet area, and also apparently crush your ribcage in the process. The best part is that the guy isn’t wearing a helmet. If that thing hit a rock and flipped you over, it’s pretty much designed to DDT you to death.

Ugh, look at the still photos of this thing. It looks like the Cloverfield monster:

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We’ve already shared a gallery of depressing pictures from Thursday’s Browns/Steelers game and an even more depressing set about their fans, so it’s no surprise that game’s head-to-softer-head collision that concussed Browns quarterback Colt McCoy would lead somewhere depressing, no matter what side you’re on — the league has decided to celebrate James Harrison’s fifth illegal hit against a quarterback in the past three seasons by making him the first player suspended for helmet-to-helmet since the rule’s emphasis.

“We’re disappointed, we’re disappointed for James,” Steelers coach Mike Tomlin said Monday. “Because we know, quite frankly, how hard he’s worked to play within the rules. He’s worked extremely hard to adjust his game. Unfortunately, the incident did happen, it was a penalty, we have to be accountable for that. He has to be accountable for that.”

The suspension is effective immediately, but Harrison has requested an expedited hearing and they’ve set a date for his appeal. Oh, and in case you wonder how he feels about the whole thing:

I guess rolling on the floor would’ve been seen as insincere.

If you missed the hit, you can check out the video below.

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Links

LOLNFL2011: Week 12 - I hope Tim Tebow wins the Super Bowl. There, I said it! [Kissing Suzy Kolber]

Watch A Bunch Of Dogs Experience Sunlight And Grass For The First Time - Cried about this all day yesterday. People keep saying “so cute!” but no, not “cute” as much as “depressing as hell because I’m part of the species that does this to things”. [UPROXX]

Scene Breakdown: ‘Karate Dog’ - Still sad I wasn’t on the think-tank for this (I’ve got the DVD right here) but now I’m following Danger Guerrero @dangerguerrero so I won’t miss out on those opportunities again! [Film Drunk]

40 Awesome Straight-Up Nerdy Christmas Ornaments - The best is the guy who took a picture of the Spider-Man ornament while it was still hanging up at the Hallmark store. SMDH @ you, nerd. [Gamma Squad]

R.I.P. Patrice O’Neal - And yet Carlos Mencia has a new special on Comedy Central this week. Life has never been fair. [Warming Glow]

The Best And Worst Of WWE Raw 11/28: Get On Your Vegan High Horse And Ride - If you haven’t read this yet, you should. I make a comparison with The Miz that will destroy your ability to watch wrestling forever. [With Leather]

The Bottom Line? Five Classic Moments Missing From WWE’s New Stone Cold Steve Austin Documentary - See, I’m not the only UPROXX satellite that writes about wrestling. I would buy this DVD if I didn’t already own f**king three other Stone Cold Steve Austin DVDs. [Smoking Section]

The 20 Finest Fake Criterions For Really Sh*tty Movies - I love these and would buy almost all of them (especially Air Bud), but in what universe is Bill And Ted’s Bogus Journey a “really sh*tty movie”? You’re watching movies wrong. [UPROXX]

Lady Gaga Totally Looks Like These Pigeons - And her last album is still terrible! Put the old people back in charge of you before I stop liking you forever, Gaga. [Buzzfeed]

‘A Dangerous Method’ and the Most Freudian Movies Ever - Does Bill And Ted’s Excellent Adventure count? He’s holding a corn dog when they’re at the mall. [Moviefone]

This Is the Stupidest, Most Brilliant Knockout Kick We’ve Ever Seen - That’s not Eddy Gordo, guys, that’s a motherf**king Koppu Kick. Jushin Thunder Liger would’ve lit this guy up. [Cage Potato]

Sports

LOLNFL: Preseason 2011 Week 1 - The reasonable adult approach to professional sports is to wait for the pictures to go up and put a bunch of block letter words over them. It helps you cope with things like “collusion” and “being a Dolphins fan”. I had to make a fake AIM chatroom about baseball before I could handle it again. [Kissing Suzy Kolber]

When Football Let Us Down: The Most Depressing NFL Eras Of Our Lives - The wistful counterpoint to LOLNFL, the guys at SB Nation recap their worst experiences as football fans. Mine is still “Sterling Sharpe got hurt, Dan Marino retired and I didn’t have anybody else to like”. [SBN]

Five Ways For Jon Fitch To Get Another Title Shot - Man, I don’t know how people get title shots in legitimate sports. I wanted to add a sixth one but the best I could muster was “attack the champion with a weapon from behind so when he recovers he’ll want revenge”. Does MMA have a Royal Rumble? [Cage Potato]

Steve Spurrier Has His Own Wine - So does Tim Tebow, but they’re totally different. [Dr. Saturday]

With Leather

Miley Cyrus: Bowling Legend - The next morning I’m wishing I’d gone with the headline BOWLING PARTY IN THE USA. Burnsy has started a Tumblr account to make things come out of Miley Cyrus’ vagina, so click this and see where it all began. I’m going to make a Tumblr about things going INTO Miley’s vagina. Wait, E! already does that. |With Leather]

The Dugout: Thome At 600 - Milestone Dugouts are always the hardest to write. When Manny quit and fled the country I couldn’t come up with anything poignant to say. I need more players to get Crohn’s Disease. [The Dugout]

The Best of the First Annual Los Angeles Beard and Mustache Championships - They should give a supplementary award to the “Most Likely To Be A Member Of Kings Of Leon”. [With Leather]

You Can’t Spell F*cked Without The U - Pretty soon we’re going to find out college football is fixed, and all those fumbles were done on purpose. If this scandal can somehow stop Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson from being a thing, I’m all for it. [With Leather]

Not Sports

This Week in Posters: Baby Goose Gets Top Billing - Amanda Seyfried with black hair is one small step toward the perfect woman. Justin Timberlake holding a gun and showing up in every movie is a giant leap backwards. I guess we have to put up with these things until he figures out another way to sing “ooh baby”. [Film Drunk]

Meme Watch: Friend Zone Fiona Is Someone We All Know and Love - Hilarious and spot-on. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been rejected and had to sit through an hour-long explanation as to why I’m such a great and awesome friend. [UPROXX]

Marvel’s Sexy Pajamas Turn Real Women into Fantasies - I will buy these for my girlfriend on two conditions. One, they stop putting dumb phrases on the thigh. Two, they make one for Dazzler. [Gamma Squad]

WZUP: 5 Unforgettable Martin Characters - I went through a phase where I mentioned Martin in every Dugout, and this is a good explanation why. Bruh-Man is still my favorite, and right behind Peter Brady and Chicken Boo on my list of the best TV characters ever. [Smoking Section]

Most of you know Unsilent Majority from his work on Kissing Suzy Kolber, but today he brings his own brand of ‘LOL’ business to With Leather. Enjoy his takes on recent World Cup action after the jump. Read the rest of this entry »