This week has already been highlighted by “news” that includes people accusing Beyonce of treason for lip-syncing the National Anthem, Manti Te’o playing the “What would you do?” game with Katie Couric, and Sheryl Crow, of all people, being dragged through the mud over Lance Armstrong admitting that he used PEDs, so I think it’s safe to say that this is quite the slow news week. But then, that’s what happens when you let those lazy football players take an extra week off before the Super Bowl.

Speaking of slow news and football players, I’m sure you’ve already read Wes Welker’s wife Anna’s less-than-favorable comments about Ray Lewis after the AFC Championship Game, in which she encouraged people to check out his lesser moments on his Wikipedia page. Of course, Anna (maiden name Burns, which means “fiery when drunk” in Irish) has since apologized, and we’ve heard very little from Lewis himself, making this almost a complete non-story.

That is, unless… yes, I think that’s… OH MAH GAWD, THAT’S LINDA HOGAN’S MUSIC!

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Back in August, Linda Hogan went on just about every hacky radio show that would listen to her about her book, “Wrestling the Hulk: My Life Against the Ropes”, and eventually that took her to Matty P’s Happy Hour, which is a show that has featured such celebrities as Pedro from Napoleon Dynamite and that swastika-tattooed girl that Jesse James slept with. A “caller” asked Linda if it was true that her ex-husband, Hulk Hogan, and Brutus “The Barber” Beefcake had a homosexual relationship, and she was totally surprised that someone asked her about something she wrote about in her book that she was promoting. So of course she said yes, while trying to be coy about it so she didn’t “end up getting a lawsuit.”

*record scratch*

As reported earlier, the wrestling icon, 58, filed court papers last week accusing his ex, 52, of defamation, after she accused him of brutal physical abuse and cheating on her with a male wrestler.

Clarified Hogan about Linda’s charge that he had a sexual relationship with fellow wrestler Brutus Beefcake: “If any of that was true, I would admit it, and I was a homosexual I would embrace it. It’s just so crazy to hear, so I have a real problem with it….If you’re going to say I’m something that I’m not to try to ruin my career and my livelihood….I have to answer her back.”

(Via MSNBC)

It is being reported that Brutus (real name: Edward Leslie) is also suing Linda for defamation, and I’m quite eager to see the judge’s response to a man who spent the 80s dressed as a flamboyant, shirtless barber in a bowtie, with the last name Beefcake. But damn straight, pun mildly intended, that’ll show the woman who just took 70% of everything Hogan had. Now he can get some of that money back and spend the rest of his life trying to get this picture off the Internet…

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We’ve obviously known for quite some time that Hulk Hogan and his wife, Linda, had gone through a nasty divorce in 2009. But a few weeks ago, the St. Petersburg Times finally revealed the details of that divorce and holy hell Hogan got suplexed.

Details from the settlement show Linda Bollea received $7.44 million of the couple’s $10.41 million that was held in bank and investment accounts. Terry Bollea got the remaining $2.97 million.

They also agreed to sell all of their properties and Linda receives $3 million of all property sales first, and then they’ll split all profits after that. Additionally, Linda took a bunch of Hulk’s cars and she gets a nice chunk of his personal brand earnings. This deal is so bad that even the NBA owners are like, “Dammmmmmmmmn.”

And now the news gets even worse for the Hogan family, who are no strangers to courtrooms after they eventually settled with the family of John Graziano – the former marine who will spend the rest of his life being treated by nurses because Nick drives like an asshole – for what is rumored to be $5 million. So it’s only fitting that Nick is in trouble again because of his driving. A woman is suing Hogan because of injuries she incurred when the two were involved in a car accident two years ago. God, I hate when those injuries just sneak up on you.

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A ton of stuff happens in the sports world each week and there are only two of us here to try to scoop up as much as we can and shove into all into your eyeballs like an ocular smoothie of awesome. So of course we’re bound to miss a few things here or there. For instance, did you know former WWE diva and current George Clooney love interest Stacy Keibler went golfing on her vacation from standing still and looking hot? See, this is the kind of stuff we shouldn’t be missing out on.

Thankfully, I keep a few hundred folders of random sports photos on my computer to cover up my incredible collection of adult anime stills, and I figured that we could clear a few of them out with this new weekly feature, the Wednesday Wild Card. Today we’ll pay a visit to New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady and see what he did to prepare for his loss to the New York Giants, while David Beckham signs some autographs, Kim Kardashian and Matt Millen cry, and the World Series of Poker pays out again.

Please hold your applause until the end.

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"BUY THIS HOUSE, BROTHER!"

Back in 2007, it was revealed that Hulk Hogan had cheated on his wife, Linda, with a 33-year old woman who worked on Brooke Hogan’s album in 2006. It was also back in 2006 when Hogan’s family showed the first sign of crumbling, when their huge Belleair (before you get excited that’s in Clearwater, FL) mansion hit the market for a whopping $25 million. In retrospect, it made sense because Linda took the Hulkster to the cleaners in their divorce settlement. Well, she didn’t get the house, so that money belongs to Hulk.

You know, when he actually sells it.

According to published reports, Hogan tried selling the 17,145-square-foot home in 2006 for $25 million. Then the asking price was cut to $13.9 million. This past February, it was slashed to $10.9 million.

The property appraiser’s officer says the market value is $5.4 million.

The house at 130 Willadel Drive has five bedrooms, eight bathrooms and three half-bathrooms, according to a listing by Coldwell Banker Residential Real Estate.

(Via Tampa Bay Online)

Oof, that’s a hell of a drop off, brother. While I’m not a real estate agent, I did once sublet my house to a hipster couple on Craigslist so I feel like I’m qualified enough to offer the Hulkster some advice – burn it down and collect the insurance money. Hold on, I’m getting a call on the Uproxx hotline from Danger Guerrero… apparently my suggestion is illegal. OK, idea No. 2 – sell it to me for $5.

Ever since the E! network allegedly paid for a 20-carat engagement ring and gave it to New Jersey Nets forward Kris Humphries to give to Kim Kardashian, it’s been a nonstop whirlwind of marriage preparation for the talentless giant ass and the guy she’ll probably leave at the altar. But of course all that preparation will focus on her ass, because why shouldn’t it?

After a recent filming of Project Runway, for which Kardashian was a special guest judge with all of her fashion expertise, host Heidi Klum went for a jog with Kardashian to help her get in wedding shape.

She is set to wed NBA player Kris Humphries later this year and has vowed to ‘slim down’ before the big day.

‘I want to really get in fab shape!’ she has said.

She has been has been hitting regularly, some times managing multiple workouts a day.

Meanwhile, the star went out of her way to prove that her curves are all natural in teh latest episode of Keeping Up With The Kardashians. (Daily Mail)

(It’s a banner day for tabloid “journalism” when writers are misspelling “the”. I’m hardly Hunter S. Hemingway, but come on. The British have lost the right to question our academic system for the next 24 hours.)

You know, they say the camera adds 10 pounds, which means that bridesmaid Khloe Kardashian will be wearing something from the Barnum & Bailey collection. As for Kim, a virginal bride should traditionally wear white on her wedding day, which has limited her color selection to “burnt match”.

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