Happy Columbus Day, everybody. I’m going to celebrate by going into my friend’s house, telling him I live there now, then giving him a terminal disease. And then I’m going to try to sell all of my brown-skinned friends. Columbus!

Links

Changes In The UPROXX Media Network’s Commenting System Are A-Comin’ - Rating systems, posting incentives and more are heading your way, and two weeks after they arrive I’ll figure out how to leave comments again and thank you for supporting UPROXX© brand media. [UPROXX]

Worst UFC Cake Ever - This is what happens when you spend too much time on the cage and not enough time on the fighters. The line between “MMA guys” and “gay gentlemen watching the clouds” is razor thin. [The Fight Nerd]

Jeremy Bridges Pooped His Pants - His punishment should be never wearing those white uniforms again. Sometimes they just knock the sh*t out of you, I guess. [Kissing Suzy Kolber]

Real Steel Review: A Terrifying Commercial For A Dystopian Future - They totally skip over the 100 years or so when people go THIS IS FAKE, ROBOTS AIN’T EVEN REALLY PEOPLE. Also, I don’t ever want to see a commercial for this f**king movie ever again. [Film Drunk]

The Problem With ‘Terra Nova’: Boring Characters - The other problem is Transformers disease: if you make a show about battling space robots, have the space robots battle each other, don’t show me what Average White American thinks about it. [Gamma Squad]

Lil Wayne Delivers 30-Minute PSA On His Legacy And Steve Jobs - He admired Steve Jobs’ poppin’ bottles and dipping just as much as Steve admired bartending and stripping. [Smoking Section]

Trailer for Reincarnated ‘Beavis & Butt-Head’ - So good. Now bring back Dog Boy! [Warming Glow]

10 Famous People Without Their Famous Facial Hair - See what Brian Wilson looked like before he started trying too hard! Also, Ron Swanson sans mustache is still the weirdest thing ever. He looks like a pug. [Buzzfeed]

The Most Banned Horror Movies in History - I miss the 70s, where you could just rip a turtle apart on film and rape somebody and it was considered a classic. [Moviefone]

Ben & Jerry’s Supports Occupy Wall Street - I bet the hard-assed Republicans at Rice Dream think otherwise. [The Daily What]

The Ten Best Cartoons From The 80s - Normally this kind of thing doesn’t bother me, but I want to know who at Unreality Mag decided “cartoons I remember from the 80s” was a good and unique idea in goddamned 2011 on the Internet. That list was played out back when we were starting X-Entertainment in like 1999. [Unreality]

Links

The 15 Most Absurd Lyrics from Lil Wayne’s Tha Carter IV - My favorite link of the day. I love it when we can take a step back and say “wait a minute, ‘hey fat fellow with the hair colored yellow’ is a terrible song lyric, why do I like this song?” Bar-tennen an shreppin babeh! [Smoking Section]

Football Guys - Mr. Jon Bois picks up our Deadspin feature from years ago and does something productive (arguably) with it. I am absolutely going to write one of these soon, per the terms of our licensing deal. Also included in the deal: I get Jon’s Sega Genesis. [SBN]

This Week in Movie Posters: Sean Astin Is Doin Great - I wanted to write that there is no movie in the world I’d like to see less than Three Musketeers, but then I got to the Puss In Boots 3D poster. Buzz, your Every Movie Being Released … woof. [Film Drunk]

The Best and Worst of WWE Raw 8/29 - Included here to make sure you read it before The Best And Worst of WWE Super Smackdown Live goes up a little later. Beth Phoenix in a corset top is in the header, so at least click the link and see what that’s about. [With Leather]

Costco Sells 14 Pounds of Guy Fieri’s Meat - I don’t think Guy Fieri has a single bodypart that weighs less than 14 pounds, and that includes his sunglasses. He’s probably the pleeb leaving me “you like vegan cookies ew gross” comments. [Warming Glow]

That $25 Computer Can Run Quake III - This seems impressive at first, but yeah, even calculators these days come loaded up with Angry Birds. My picture frame can play Excitebike, who cares? [Gamma Squad]

Iron Maiden Frontman Flying People Stranded by Irene Out of NYC - with SINISTER MOTIVES, no doubt. If the guy from Iron Maiden called me up and offered me a plane ticket, my first 300 questions would be “why are you calling me”. [UPROXX]

HIV Case Shuts Down Porn Industry - In a related story, does anybody personally know Allie Sin? If porno is gonna have a lockout, I uh, want to hire her as my housekeeper. [Film Drunk]

The 12 Most Annoying Types of College Students - #13, “all college students”. I hated college students when I was in college. [Buzzfeed]

Great Bands That Overcame Crappy Debut Albums - Even more impressive is Incubus, who have survived despite releasing seven crappy albums. [FARK]

10 Professions Tim Tebow Should Consider Instead of Football - Tim Tebow is going to end up running for President one day, isn’t he? There you go, calling it right now. President Tebow is going to happen, and OH MAN are the abortion jokes going to be non-stop. The Smoking Jacket]

Daryl Hannah Got Arrested at the White House - Obama should’ve slammed her face into the toilet and squished her eyeball with his foot. [Moviefone]

5 DC Comics Characters That Would Be Awesome on the Small Screen - As dorky as I am, part of me wants comic book people to spend the next 20 years making comic books good again so when we make movies and TV shows about them they don’t have to be terrible. Like, imagine how good Captain America would’ve been if Cap had been cool since like 1986? [AOL TV]

Hey! It’ that Woman from that Show! You Know the One. Her. Yeah! Her! - Did you know that actresses often appear in more than one thing? I didn’t, so this was especially eye-opening to me. [Pajiba]

Meet the Girl Who Only Cosplays Zelda Characters - Or, “get excited about this girl who probably wouldn’t be cute if I didn’t want to put it in Saria so bad”. Tell her to dress like Ganon and we’ll talk. [Pajiba]

Links

25 Idiots Who Blamed Hurricane Irene on Gay Marriage - The only gay person responsible for a hurricane is Pat Patterson. Hopefully one day we’ll decide that disasters are caused by things that happen, not things we hate. [Buzzfeed]

Supercut: Stephen Colbert Dancing - Something to make you feel better on a Monday morning. Considerably better dancing than hurricane-causing Ellen. [Warming Glow]

31 Movie Teens You Wish You’d Actually Gone to High School With - Lauren Ambrose circa Can’t Hardly Wait. Next. [FARK]

A Compendium of Cool Comics Cosplay - This week’s gallery is especially strong, thanks to appearances from Arcade AND Forbush Man. Cosplay is awesome when you do it right. [Gamma Squad]

Lil Wayne Takes a Shot at Jay-Z - Jay-Z is gonna be mad when he finds out Wayne said he never figured out how to love, thanks to all those crooks who kept trying to steal his heart. [Smoking Section]

6 Reason It’s OK to Like MTV’s Jersey Shore - Reason 1: Snooki did that Oompa Loompa cartwheel back elbow thing at Wrestlemania, and it was better than anyone assumed she could do. Reasons 2-6: unknown. [The Smoking Jacket]

The Venture Bros.’ 9 Most Musical Moments - What’s with everybody who makes good cartoons at Adult Swim deciding they also need to be rock stars? And furthermore, where is the Xavier double album? [Adult Swim]

The Best Fake Fast Food Chains - Does Arby’s count? [UGO]

The 10 Best Musical Performances of Late Night with Jimmy Fallon - I honestly believe that Jimmy Fallon as Neil Young is a better musical act than most of the musical acts. Although I really like Neil Young. [Pajiba]

A Virtual Tour of Curb Your Enthusiasm Locations - Not exactly the world of the Na’vi, but still worth a look. Every location is better if you bring along an orchestra to play Wagner. [AOL TV]

Sara Jean Underwood Cosplays at Anime Expo - Seriously, why isn’t Morgan Webb doing things in her underwear anymore? Did she turn 30 and get Logan’s Run’d? I AM TIRED OF COMPLAINING ABOUT THIS. [G4TV]

The Terrific Adventures of White Mike Vick - Possibly our best feature from last week, read Burnsy’s hilarious work while I spend 20 minutes a day filtering out all the hateful comments both for and against. [With Leather]

On Saturday, L.A. Times columnist and Around the Horn regular Bill Plaschke asked NBA fans, “How dare you? How dare you hate the Miami Heat?” The guy who regularly makes Woody Paige look intelligent shook his ham fist at the heavens and pondered for 1,000 words why sports fans could hate the Heat, and what LeBron James, Dwyane Wade and Chris Bosh have done to deserve the scorn and ire of the majority of fans not living in Miami (or pretending they live there, for that matter). And even though Plaschke’s argument makes very little sense, uses poor franchise comparisons and contradicts itself, I thought the idea of this “hate” issue should finally be addressed.

Since “The Decision” aired on ESPN and from the day that James, Wade and Bosh were introduced in some sort of nightclub/man orgy celebration in Miami, it’s been a case of us and them. Us – the anti-Miami, the fans of so-called fairness, balance and order, those of us who despised the grandstanding and boasting before the season even began – against the idea that two superstars and Bosh could do something unprecedented to establish a dynasty and people should just be expected to love the Heat for that. Unfortunately, that’s not how it works.

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Why, they have all attended the NBA Finals, of course! Originally, this post was titled, “Hey, Did Kelly Clarkson Get Hot Again?” but then I saw a story in the Dallas Voice about the Westboro Baptist protesting the NBA Finals in Dallas because the NBA had the nerve to fine Kobe Bryant and Joakim Noah for using “f*ggot” as an insult in two different games this season, and I wanted to point out that the WBC seriously sucks.

From the WBC’s batsh*t crazy ramblings press release:

WBC will picket the NBA game between the Dallas Mavericks and the Miami Heat to warn this nation that they need to tear down their idols and worship only the true God, Jesus Christ. The people of Doomed america set up these spoiled, rebellious basketball players and other celebrities as little gods that they emulate then curse the real God, Jesus Christ because He does not supprt their vile sins.

Of course I didn’t edit that for them, they’ll learn to spell when they get to the third grade. I’m mostly upset that their presence briefly took my attention away from the lack of star power at this year’s Finals. Granted Justin Bieber and Lil Wayne pack some major celeb cred, but ABC hasn’t even been filling the stands with the cast of Rookie Blue. The least they could do is put Sofia Vergara and Julie Bowen courtside and maybe have them pudding wrestle Elisha Cuthbert. It’s called marketing, damn it.

Regardless, there have been a few famous faces in the crowd, so we should enjoy what we have.

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Rapper Lil Wayne – or Lil Weezy, as I call him when we’re knitting – is the latest person to jump on the Wiz Khalifa “Black and Yellow” rewrite bandwagon. This time, Weezy changed the song to “Green and Yellow” in support of the Green Bay Packers. While it’s no “Purple and White” and Weezy is certainly no Chet Haze, he does manage some solid lyrics into the routine, including:

Long hair, don’t care, Clay Matthews.
We sh*tting on these fools, no bathroom.

Take that, Ben Roethlisberger! I think. Actually, I’m not sure if that’s a rip on Big Ben or if it’s just a statement about not needing a bathroom to figuratively defecate on the Pittsburgh Steelers. In retrospect, I think my confusion explains why I never made it as a rapper. Well, that and my inability to rhyme “cock gobbler”. Video after the jump.

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