Hoo Boy, The Internet Really, Really Hates Miami Marlins Owner Jeffrey Loria

Written by Ashley Burns / 11.14.12

If you didn’t see enough of it last night as the news initially broke, you’re going to see plenty of columns, editorials and fiery rants today about how Miami Marlins owner Jeffrey Loria is a scumbag because he is willingly killing his second baseball franchise because he’s horrible at what he does. And many of them will be great – I like this effort by Yahoo!’s Jeff Passan and this more subtle rundown by Deadspin – because as much as writers, analysts and experts love to argue about every little meaningless thing in sports, hatred for Loria runs deep within the majority. Jeffrey Loria destroyed the Montreal Expos and now he is destroying the Miami Marlins. That’s pretty much all you need to know.

So why? Why did the Marlins trade Jose Reyes, Josh Johnson, John Buck, Emilio Bonifacio and Mark Buehrle to the Toronto Blue Jays for Yunel Escobar and several prospects that don’t even include Toronto’s best? Was it a brilliant move to clear money? Was it an admittance of mistakes in even signing Reyes and Buehrle in the first place? Was it just the same old fire sale that we’ve come to expect from the Marlins? Or is it more likely the story of a man under investigation by the SEC for allegedly fleecing the city of Miami in the construction of a new baseball stadium that he couldn’t even fill with a stable of stars because he already created a product so tainted within the community that people refuse to buy in until his stink is washed away?

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If You Bash Kate Upton To Draw Attention To Your Website, Beware The Internet’s Rage

Written by Ashley Burns / 07.10.12

I have a confession, and you may want to take a seat, because this is going to blow your minds. Websites like to post blogs about Kate Upton, because they’re great for traffic. I know, right? Who would have thought that attractive super models with large breasts would draw significant readers? Simply mind-boggling.

What about the opposite, though? Imagine someone writing something incredibly mean about Upton. Perhaps that she’s a disgusting, fat cow, who is committing cannibalism by eating hamburgers in Carls Jr. commercials. That would draw a lot of traffic, too, right? You bet. Just ask “Skinny Gurl” at Skinny Gossip, a site that promotes the idea that only skinny is beautiful, as runway models should be drinking straws with nipples.

Back in June, this crusader for the thin opined that Upton is everything that is wrong with America. Buckle up, it’s about to get psychotic in here.

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Kate Upton’s Nipples: A Great New Reason To Say F**k Kellan Lutz

Written by Brandon Stroud / 01.24.12

kate-upton-nipples-kellan-lutz

Previous reasons to say f**k “Kellan Lutz” include:

1. His role as Emmett Cullen in Twilight
2. His role as Emmett Cullen in The Twilight Saga: New Moon
3. His role as Emmett Cullen in The Twilight Saga: Eclipse
4. His role as Emmett Cullen in The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Parts I, II, and IIb
5. His role as Indistinguishable Muscular Hunk on the least cared about show on television, other

That’s his entire filmography. Well, that and Lax Bros: The Movie. Anyway, you probably haven’t read this far, but that’s him in the above image standing beside Kate Upton and Kate Upton’s nipples. If you click it it gets bigger. The bigger image is courtesy of The Superficial and/or what I’m imagining in secret whenever Twilight is on.

As if a person who is not me Burnsy? you standing next to a braless Kate Upton isn’t enough, it gets worse: this is a candid taken during a commercial shoot for Kellan Lutz’s clothing line, Abbott +. No, I don’t know why Kellan Lutz has a clothing line. I don’t know why his clothing line has a plus sign in it, either. I would’ve called it “Clothez”.

Unfortunately, people snapping candids at Kellan Lutz commercial shoots are only concerned with Kellan Lutz, so all the photos are of him just sorta smiling in sunglasses while Kate stands around in the partial background. We will, of course, update with photos and video as it develops. If they made her change clothes, so help me God.

Additionally:

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THERE IS NO GOD

Written by Matt / 05.17.07

I'll say two things about the Spurs' win last night: (1) Phoenix played the kind of gutsy game that made me like the team even more, and (2) if the Spurs win this series, these NBA Playoffs are dead to me.  Period.  I will refuse to write another word about them.  Fuck, I'll switch to hockey.  Choke on some cock, David Stern.

In NBA games I'm willing to talk about, the Nets were eliminated in Game 5 against the Cavs last night after scoring only six points in the fourth quarter.  Wait, what?  They won?  They scored six points in the final quarter of a win-or-go-home playoff game, and they won.  Huh.  Ladies and gentlemen, the Eastern Conference.

"The fourth quarter wasn't pretty," [Nets guard Jason] Kidd said. "Both teams were on fire defensively, not on the offensive side."

So… it was the Cavs' defense that made him miss five free throws in the final minute?  Interesting.  Show of hands: who wants the rest of the playoffs canceled while the Suns and Spurs play best-of-seventeen?

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