Patrick Willis obviously listens to Kenny F*cking Powers.

Kenny Powers isn’t perfect. I know, I spit out my Mountain Dew and bourbon when I wrote that, too. But it’s true. He’s a man who has made mistakes after tasting legend status, and he’s paid the greatest price for his arrogance in taking his God-given talent for granted. America, though, is about second chances and stories of redemption. That’s why when some people see Kenny as a man who hates foreigners, the truth is that he just loves American and feels “that America is the best country and the other countries aren’t as good.” Patriotism, indeed.

As Kenny continues his baseball renaissance and his climb back to the top, where he will wear the Scream mask all he wants, he has been given the unbelievable honor of becoming the first ever Mother F*cking CEO of K-Swiss. And his appointment is already changing the lives of thousands of professional athletes and millions of aspiring athletes. For once, thanks to Kenny Powers, his incredible motivational speaking ability and his opus, K-Swiss Blades – you’re f*cking in.

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Last week we shared with you the news that turd-mouthed ex-ballplayer Lenny Dykstra would be taking the place of White House party crasher Tareq Salahi in an upcoming Celebrity Boxing match with Jose Canseco. “Canseco ruined my career by spreading lies,” said Dykstra in a statement. “I called Tareq and begged him to let me take his place in the upcoming fight against Canseco.”

Well, as it turns out, Canseco wasn’t the only person spreading lies. Somewhere between that statement and last night’s “Battle of the Baseball Bad Boys” (their name, not mine) Dykstra pulled out of the fight, and he might’ve pocketed $5,000 of the promoter’s cash before doing so. This is where the story gets very Sports By Brooks, so try to stay with me. From the Philadelphia Inquirer, by way of The Hall Of Very Good:

(Fight promoter Damon) Feldman said moments ago that he and main promoter Alki David met Dykstra on Thursday and paid him cash. The former Phillies star was to receive another $10,000 after the fight but informed promoters around 6 EST tonight that he would not show up.

Dan Herman, who until severing ties tonight with Dykstra had served as a manager for him, arranged Dykstra’s participation in the bout and confirmed that Dykstra was paid a portion of his purse in advance and has pulled out of the fight. “I grew up idolizing Lenny Dykstra but it was all a lie,” Herman said.

That makes both Canseco and Dykstra liars, for the record. But who can show up to call the promoter a liar? Why, a local weatherman, of course!

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If you’ve ever wanted to see two desperate-for-fame baseball players from the 1980s sadly destroying each other while an Octomom and possibly an also-ran Kardashian cheer them on, this is the story for you — embattled former slugger and mouth-haver Lenny Dykstra has been named a replacement opponent for Jose Canseco’s upcoming Foxy Celebrity Boxing match. He’s got a great reason for doing it, too, that has nothing to do with money or people looking at him through cameras!

Via the press release, by way of Market Watch:

Alki David, founder and CEO of FilmOn.com Networks, announced today that he has approved the last minute change in the upcoming title fight between controversial baseball player Jose Canseco and Tareq Salahi, the White House Party Crasher.

“Canseco ruined my career by spreading lies. I called Tareq and begged him to let me take his place in the upcoming fight against Canseco,” said Dykstra in a statement.

I want to see Canseco punch him in the jaw and cause the left side of his face to explode like a tobacco-filled pimple.

The press release then quickly jumps to explaining what “virtual cable television” is and spends seven paragraphs explaining how it works. Here’s the gist: You can watch television on the Internet, and on one of that television’s channels is a title fight (not sure which title, possibly “most depressing person”) between a 48-year old convict in physical and emotional shambles and a 47-year old who once fought Danny Bonaduce to a draw. Oh, and that 48-year old had to beg a guy who got temporarily famous for sneaking into parties to get his spot. On a different channel you can watch somebody catch and gut a fish, which should be a more humane and competitive thing.

Perhaps the saddest celebrity boxing news is that Tila Tequila is still scheduled to fight “TBA”. Can’t we find a ballplayer to fill in? How about Milton Bradley? I bet he’d kill her.

Additional advice: If Lenny Dykstra contacts you on Craiglist Los Angeles and wants you to come over to his house and be his “personal assistant”, don’t do it, it’s a trap.

According to the L.A. City Attorney, Lenny allegedly went to Craigslist and posted ads for a personal assistant or housekeeping services … but when the women arrived, Dykstra would “inform the women that the job also required them to give a massage and would expose himself to them.”

Officials say Dykstra pulled the XXX bait and switch at least 6 times.

I feel like it shouldn’t be too hard to say “Lenny Dykstra offered me a job at his house, let me Google Lenny Dykstra and make sure he’s not a lunatic”, but then again I’m the guy who thinks you shouldn’t use Craigslist for anything more personal than selling a futon. The second red flag should’ve been when you knocked on the door and it was answered by a C.H.U.D. businessman with a grapefruit-sized clod of refuse dirt in his mouth.

If convicted (and come on, of course he will be) Dykstra faces more jail time being tacked on to the time he’s already spending. TMZ’s excellent and informative reporting says he’s “already in custody in L.A. on a MYRIAD of federal and state charges for allegedly doing all sorts of other bad stuff” (myriad is their capitalization, not mine), and their inability to click their own “Lenny Dykstra” tag and tell you he’s a drug dealer, car thief and friend of Charlie Sheen makes me wish they ran a formal sports blog.

“Derek Jeter has BRUTALLY BROKEN up with Minka Kelly. Jeter, the HANDSOME BEAU famous for doing things, said things.”

Maybe TMZ needs an assistant. I did go to massage therapy school, after all.

Who knew that a guy who committed bankruptcy fraud, got arrested for 23 drug-related felonies and spent 12 years playing pro baseball with a fist-sized sh*t-clod in his mouth would have so many problems? Enter: Lenny Dykstra, who has taken the Pete Rose route to forgiveness by admitting his problem and requesting rehab instead of prison way, way after anyone would take it seriously.

According to reports from TMZ, Dykstra entered a Not Guilty plea on the 16th for all 25 criminal charges he’s facing (including auto theft, identity theft, and possession of cocaine and ecstasy) and even brought along his bail money, but was denied and sent back to prison. Now (the 17th, if you’re keeping track) he’s saying he does have a problem with substance abuse and needs help, but can’t get that in jail. So what exactly was he not guilty of? Doing drugs, but not having them? I guess it boils down to the semantics of what constitutes “possessing” drugs. If you eat it the second you see it, did you really “possess” a cupcake? If you see a pitcher’s mound-size heap of cocaine and slide headfirst into it, did you really possess that cocaine?

Regardless, nothing seems to be working, and Dykstra is still stuck in the joint, sneaking in contraband for the other high-profile prisoners in that tanuki nutsack he calls a face. I’ll be sure to update you on Monday, when Dykstra pleads remorseful bankruptcy-related drug insanity.

Former MLB superstar and current friend of Charlie Sheen Lenny Dykstra was interviewed and asked about Sheen’s recent batsh:t media blitz. And Lenny somehow manages to not fall out of his chair for the duration of the interview. Good work, Len.

Personally, I just love how Dykstra dresses like a color-blind 80-year-old. I guess that jacket was on sale.

Via NBC New York.